Valadrass

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and that was maybe two weeks ago, I think? What is your favourite concert you've been to? And if you haven't been to one, who would you love to go and see?

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this as well, but I'm really glad you've found something to help you. I have actually tried adult colouring books before, but I've been into art since I was little and went to college for it and everything, so I've developed a bit of a complex relationship with art that ends up causing more harm than good if I'm not in the right headspace. I've done something recently which has seemed to help drastically, which is just trying to doodle instead of trying to seriously sit down and draw something. Some dark and horrific things started coming out of that, but it allowed me to give my emotions a physical form that didn't have to make sense to anyone but me and slowly the little pictures and lyrics I was scribbling down became more and more positive and I feel just refreshed after getting it all out there. But thank you so much for your help and concern!

If I could find someone online who was reliable, qualified and free, then absolutely. But that is just so unbelievably unreasonable in my head, I don't think it's possible. Please don't be sorry! This is just how difficult it is to deal with my shitty situation. I'm so thankful that you replied in the first place and tried to help, it really means a lot to me and I'm sorry for not expressing that earlier.

If only it were that easy. Where I live, you can only get access to professional mental health help through a referral by a GP, which means I have to go out to my local doctors' and have a preliminary assessment for them to decide what the best course of action is, if they believe I even need help. Every professional I've seen has been through this process and the last method I was referred to was a weekly group workshop that only ran for eight weeks about two years ago and that only worsened my anxiety in the long run. But even then, talking to a stranger on the phone is just as terrifying, if not more so, than going outside. If I could text or email somebody, that would be perfect, but our healthcare system doesn't work that way and the only thing I've found that even remotely uses that form of communication is a Samaritans helpline - but they aren't professionals, they're just interchangeable volunteers there to listen and aren't qualified to give out any advice. And I know calling them interchangeable may sound horrible, but I've used them on multiple occasions and the people you talk to never give out any name to call them by and half way through a few conversations I've had, I'll find out I'm suddenly talking to a completely different person.

Hello again Manni I know, I know I need to speak to someone who's been trained to deal with this, but in my experience no one ever has been. I've been like this for over a decade, over half my life, in varying degrees of severity and I've been to doctors, counselors, psychologists, therapists, pharmacists, group sessions - the whole works since I began highschool, and no one I've seen has ever known how to deal with me. A few of the 'professionals' I've seen eventually just got too frustrated and gave up, granted I was difficult to work with and I know I was. I didn't know how to articulate everything I was feeling and I had this issue of only being able to give very specific and limited answers to questions: things like 'what's made you come here?' were far too broad and made me panic so I'd only answer the specific singular event that brought me to them, like 'I self harm' or 'because I had an anxiety attack', so they only have one fact to focus on and so only get one aspect of the struggles I have. So for them to understand me fully, they needed to have been a mind reader to know exactly the right questions to ask for me to tell them everything. I think I've gotten past that now, I know the full spectrum of what I feel and what I struggle with, so it may work out now but there are other problems I have with going to see a professional: like for one struggling to leave the house. Then neither me or my fiance drive, my parents who do drive both work full time and I have very, very bad feelings towards public transport so making my way to these places - which are most of the time towns away - becomes impossible, and then I'm just afraid of the only way anyone can think of to help me is to put me on medication again and I don't want that at all. Don't worry, it's not mean it's true. But it's more than just listening to and believing a little voice in my head, it's also something physical that I feel so deeply that, no matter what my mind is saying if I'm telling myself my thoughts are wrong, I can't ignore what's physically happening to my body. It's like I'm being weighted down with just this pure resentment and hopelessness sucking all of the want and will out of me, or like this heavy dense gas in filling up my insides and just keeps expanding, suffocating me from within and building up so much pressure that it feels like I need to release it somehow or it's going to kill me. And I know, logically, nothing is wrong with me physically and this is all absolutely coming from my head, but when I'm there in those states, I forget all sense of logic and words and rational thinking become meaningless; the only thing that's real is what's happening to my body and in that state I'm susceptible to anything my mind is telling me to explain what's going on. See, this comes from a place where, like I said, I don't work. I have no income at all and I'm living with my fiance in my parents' home. So I convince myself in these moods that I need to dedicate everything into resolving that and actually starting to exist as a functioning member of society and anything that doesn't aid towards that goal is just more proof to me that I'm a worthless leech, whether that is the case or not.

I don’t know where to go with all of this. I don’t know who would even care, but I need to get this out there before I tear myself apart, probably literally. I always hear about how common depression and anxiety are. ‘Everyone goes through some depression at some point’ ‘it’s a natural part of life’ ‘anxiety is just your body’s natural reaction from back in our prehistoric days’. If all of that is true, I think my existence is a genetic defect. A failed experiment in evolution. I don’t deserve to exist. I’ve talked about having anxiety on here before, but it goes beyond some social awkwardness and nervousness about other people not liking what I put up. I fight constantly to convince my brain I’m not going to die, that some unlikely tragedy completely out of my control isn’t going to kill me or someone I depend on, or something else just as devastating, or that one of my small thoughtless actions isn’t going to cause a chain reaction that leads to some horrific accident. I don’t leave the house, I don’t work, I can’t keep any friendships except for the person who’s spent five years promising to spend the rest of his life with me and his best friend, who I barely feel able to talk to. And the depression stops me from distracting myself. I love writing, I love drawing, I love reading and watching anime and films and TV series and playing video games. But my mind and body will tell me that I hate it all because I’m not good enough at writing or drawing to make anything of myself and the rest are just pointless distractions that waste my life away. When I’m with my fiancé, it gets a little easier. He can motivate me to do the little things I enjoy like watching or playing something, but I can’t function without him most of the time. I do have rare moods where I feel empowered, like I’m capable of achieving anything I want and fuck my broken mind and the people who think I’m unlovable, I am the queen of my own destiny. But those moods don’t last long enough, and whatever I might create during that time becomes worthless to me after that high fades and it becomes more proof that I’m not actually capable. I am myself worthless and stupid and arrogant for ever thinking otherwise. I’m trapped in my own mind and the air’s running out. I don’t know what to do. I know I need help, but I feel like what’s wrong with me is beyond any help anyone can give. But I need to keep trying.

When I'm not roleplaying, my time splits between video games, watching (films and TV shows on Netflix/YouTube/anime), drawing, D&D sessions with friends (rarely, considering they're all awkward bastards who can never get the same time free anymore ) and reading sometimes when I have enough time to myself and actually remember I have unfinished books.

Good to know!

Phew! I was really worried I was going to scare you off or offend you. But I'm really glad to find someone who views this topic anywhere near as strongly as I do. I don't get to share these opinions a lot and be taken seriously, so thank you.

It's horrible, isn't it? Having our minds fight against us so much when this is something we love to do. Pushing back against that is so exhausting, for me at least, but I think worth it if I find the right person or thing to validate or inspire me. Yes! I would go as far to say 'if you're offended, go and educate yourself'. All four of these 'authors' romanticize abuse in so many forms and three of them target their work towards young people. Especially PC and Kristen Cast - they are the worst of them. Their 'bestselling series' is basically just: 'overpowered Mary Sue bitches and shames everything in the world the authors have a personal prejudice against while gathering a harem of two-dimensional offensive stereotypes to praise every individual dump she takes so she can masturbate to her own self importance. And if anyone dare to try and rival her power or treat people in the exact same way she does, they are disgusting villainous sluts until they submit to her baseless superiority. And oh look! That man's a rapist, and him too! Aren't they sexy and prime love interests to cheat on my boyfriend with?' can you tell I hate them yet? What's even worse is that PC Cast is an English teacher. She genuinely shapes children's minds through literature - and that is the type of content that comes from her and her daughter's own minds. I know nothing about their other works and frankly I don't want to, that may be detrimental to my argument but I've seen enough to know how horrible their attitudes are. E.L. James isn't much better but at least her target audience is mature women and it's simply to live out a fucked up porn fantasy while pretending they aren't 'depraved lifeless scumbags' because it's in book format and not video. But still, she pushes a topic she knows nothing about in a very dangerous way with nonsensical characters and ideas. I was about to say Stephanie Meyer is a lot more forgivable, but no. Abusive behaviour is still abusive behaviour, and it was everywhere in the Twilight series, not to mention the creepy ending where the love interest who 'lost' falls in love with her infant child instead. Yes, I personally enjoy lolicon and shotacon stories but the context is far different in that I would never publish that out to the public as a 'good and cute ending'. And on top of it all, none of them are even written well. There are misspellings, grammatical errors, plot holes and nonsensical ideas rampant in all of them that show such a lack of care and love for their own creations. It's by far not the worst of their sins, but still begs the question about how in the hell have they received such success? I don't often discredit someone's opinions or personal tastes, but some standards need to be upheld and if anyone thinks the ideals they broadcast to the world through their writing are worth defending, my respect for their opinion is severely limited. This rant got way too long and aggressive and I am so sorry. I have very strong opinions on this...

He really really is, now if only I could get him to believe that... ^^; And thank you! Becoming an author is actually one of the biggest dreams I've had for the longest time. I already had my pen name planned out and authors to look up to with similar difficulties with their mental health. And It was one of, if not the reason my fiance and I grew close enough to go from being best friends to being together. He just walked up to me one morning in college and said something to the effect of "I just finished watching all of my favourite TV show and now I feel empty inside. I know you're really good at writing, so do you think we could write a book based off of it?" and then we would spend almost every hour of every day we had together working on getting this off the ground and just became so much closer from there. (Actually we're going to be meeting the actor of one of our favourite characters from that show on Saturday at Comic Con, and I feel like I'm going to cry when I think about it because of how much it and he mean to me for that very reason, but also because of how terrified I am of my anxiety freezing me up and making a fool of myself. ) But things just kept getting in the way, mostly me worrying about how people would perceive our ideas if we ever did get published so I just kept changing things to fit all of these strict guides about all of these do's and don't of writing and it stifled my creativity, so that project came to a standstill because of my stupid broken mind. We started up other projects after that to try and get something to go somewhere, but I always just started panicking about not being good enough or my ideas not being right or original or interesting enough so I ended up losing sight of that dream. I never really thought about it as an option since then, but maybe that could change now, especially if all goes well on here. Thank you. And besides, if Stephanie Meyer, E.L. James and the Cast duo can make something of their toxic bullshittery, I sure as hell should be able to. I really don't feel like anything about my story is as inspiring or heart-wrenching as you're making it sound, but then I suppose I'm not going to be the best judge of myself. I was about to go into this rant about how I've just been through average experiences and it's only my reactions that have made things difficult for me, but if someone can know my story and find some help or hope within it then that's all that really matters. So again, thank you for validating me and for offering me a new perspective.

Why did you come to Ecchidreams? I started roleplaying when I was really young (of course, not erotically - well, for the most part, but there are stories there that are irrelevant to the point and kids are stupid.), it being the best way I seemed to make more lasting friendships and just have something more personal as a creative outlet that wouldn't be judged by people in my outside world life (like my art was). I kept jumping from community to community as I grew older, then when I lost my longest and closest friend who'd grown up with me, roleplaying with and alongside me the entire time, I had no drive or confidence to continue in those communities on my own so just disappeared online altogether. By this time though I was with my fiance - then boyfriend - and roleplayed and wrote stories solely with him for a while. Then he encouraged me to try getting myself into online communities again after hearing about how much I loved it and how confident I was online back then, and he joined up with me to an absolutely horrible site that really didn't work out and I withdrew myself again. Recently we got to talking about that time again since my confidence and drive had been pretty low of late, and he encouraged me to try once more. We looked up sites together, found EcchiDreams after searching a while and decided it seemed like it ticked all of our boxes and we joined up together. So the TL;DR of that is: Roleplaying has always meant a lot to me. I stopped for a while for shitty reasons, then my fiance made me do it. Which kink or fetish do you enjoy while you RP? Anything and everything. - Within reason. What I mean by that is: if I can understand why someone would find it attractive and I feel I could believably write a character who would be one of those people, I enjoy writing it or can at least give it my best shot, even if that particular kink or fetish does nothing for me. That's why adult babies have made their way onto my 'no go' section in my preference sheet - it's not that I find it disgusting, I just don't personally get it so writing a character who does would be impossible and not fun for me. I do have a lot of dark and depraved and weird tastes that I myself find attractive and fun to play with in fiction - strictly, but that's besides the point. My biggest love and goal is to create interesting and dynamic stories, it just so happens the stories I find the most compelling have racier themes within them. Roleplaying something I can get off to is so low on my list of priorities, it's hardly ever something I consider.

Alright ^^ Well the obvious point to say is that I do really identify with being shy. I've actually been on medication for anxiety in the past, but that never actually made a difference so I don't know, maybe it's just not a chemical thing. From my activity here over the last few days since I joined, it doesn't really seem that way but I guess I was just riding the high of returning to something that used to be, essentially, my entire life when I was younger and having everyone be so welcoming and involved for a change. Now I'm kind of crashing back into my old habits of overanalyzing and internalizing every little thing against myself and it's really exhausting. So to answer the questions you've just raised: I actually used to be extremely confident when I was very little: I loved to be center stage, whether that be acting or dancing or singing, and I would just walk up to strangers and start a conversation or ask them if they'd like to be friends. One story I've heard from my parents was one time we were away on holiday when I was maybe like five or six years old and they'd gone to a bar with me. They'd lost track of me for a moment and when they looked around trying to find me, I'd somehow made my way up onto a table and was dancing in between and giggling with two drag artists. And those kinds of stories weren't rare, that was just one of the more outrageous examples. I don't know when that changed: it was just like one minute I was this tiny adorable little ball of social energy and pride, then the next thing I remember is just being jaded and antisocial and aggressive whenever anyone approached me, panicking at the idea of even walking out into a crowd, never mind being the focus. I honestly became a little asshole, but behind that was always fear and a need for control so that I wouldn't need to be afraid. I still tried to have friends but it seemed like no matter what I did or how I tried to be different and keep them close, there was always something that happened that felt like a betrayal and that just made me even angrier at the idea of trying to make friends and also scared that it was something about me that pushed them away. Then as I grew older, I slowly mellowed out until I wanted to speak to people again and be liked and have a constant support group around me, but my anxiety and self loathing was already pretty deep-set and it's fluctuated over time from improving dramatically to where it seems like I'm an actual functioning charismatic person, to points where it's far more severe than ever and I can't even leave my room, nevermind my house. I do also have a lot of issues with the way I look and that probably is a big defining factor: on top of finding it hard to trust and communicate with people, I was bullied a lot when I was younger - about my weight, medical conditions I had, being female, even more ridiculous things like getting a plain-ass haircut and having small ears. (Who? Who does that? Who mocks you for being a lesser person because your ears are small??) So my relationship with my looks and self worth has not exactly been the best for the vast majority of my life, and that's always on my mind still. And then there are other, more personal topics that affect it as well, but dark shit needs to be left in the dark corner. Even though I have an extremely loving fiance who is adamant I'm beautiful and talented and charming, and a few friends I have now that have backed that point up as well, it doesn't really make a difference to how I view myself. Wow, I have talked way too much about myself. I'm sorry. ^^; Something I also have a tendency to do because of my anxiety is either close off completely or overcompensate and ramble on with myself. Probably another thing that turns people off a lot...

It's not too late to join in the conversation, is it? I feel like it'd just be weird or disrespectful for me to just jump on in here when it seems like everybody else has built up a kind of rapport.

Thank you! Don't worry about it, I hope all's well