My Never Ending Ex

[Quotation]

When I was... Younger... Not too young, but young enough to be foolish. Only a few years ago, I had myself... A girlfriend. 

Now let me tell you what. She was a complete sweetheart. A cute, loving, and downright thoughtful girl who'd always call me the kindest things. Senpai, babe, you name it... But even now, when I've gotten over our bad, our rotten, our completely asinine relationship. Why does she keep coming back to my head? We were so nice in the beginning, as simple roleplayers. We started out in the very early days of Discord. I was in a nice little hentai server back then, full of nice and toxic free people. Surprising for a hentai server back in the day, hehe...

She had made a request, "Does anyone wanna roleplay"  she said. As the little hormonal me had stumbled upon her, I took advantage quickly, asking her if I could be her partner. She accepted, and we got started. Our first roleplay. It was nice, a simple and decent roleplay  (At the time). I liked it, and I liked how she was actually... Well, a girl that I was roleplaying with. It's a lot more special to me when the opposite gender roleplays with me, it's just very heartwarming for me. I don't know why. 

But anyway, she wanted to do another. And I thought WOW. She really enjoyed that! GREAT!  So we did another one. And this was something that she foreshadowed to me, she was... A lolicon fan. I didn't know what to think to myself at the time. I didn't want to be mean and say no to her ideas, but I knew that it was wrong to do a lolicon roleplay. I have very strange tastes, but I just didn't like that. I went along anyway, trying to keep the fire going as they'd say. I didn't want to upset her, so we did it. 

After that one, we continued to do more... More and more and more. We had roleplayed several more times after that, and I thought... Man, I must be one lucky guy for a girl to enjoy roleplaying with me for such a long time.  Aaaaand oohhhhhhhhh do I wish I went into the past and just... SLAPPED myself in the face, multiple times. No, so many times that my cheeks would get bleeding red, but not from blushing. I wish I had-- scolded and degraded myself until I realized that it was a terrible idea to continue on with her. But unfortunately, no. Time travel isn't a thing yet, so of course I didn't listen to my mind and stop. 

I was such a... A simp back in the day. Kyeheheh...

Months went by, and we continued to roleplay. I was literally going on a vacation with my dear old family to the beach, and yet I'd be roleplaying with her whenever I'd be in my hotel room with my laptop. The same laptop I use to this day. Ugh... And it just so happened on that night of my vacation, after a roleplay of me being some... Sarcastic leech man thing that fell in love with a submarine mistress,  (My ideas aren't that good, even now)  she said,  "I love you! "   

I loved that moment. It was one of those moments where you don't need to think, but feel. Yet, it didn't seem like she was... Well, confessing. I just said the same thing back before we both went to bed. 

When I finally got home from my vacation. That night we roleplayed... Again. Everything was going smoothly, nothing seemed bad. That was until late at night, where I was just about to close Discord and sleep. I saw her typing. I wondered why she was up so late, and I saw it. She said the worst words I have ever felt upon my ear drums. The worst words that could... Make a man spiral into a big huggable toy that would never let go. Those words... They made me hate. Hate. Hate. HATE. Now I can't stand the sight of them, the mere thought of them made me HATE myself. My heart stops in embarrassment and anguish whenever I even subconsciously think about these terrible, frightening, trap setting words!

"I-I think I'm catching feelings for you.."  

No. No no no. That cannot BE. We were just roleplayers! That's what I thought, or what I SHOULD'VE THOUGHT before I asked,  "Wait, are you serious?"  How could I? How could I have been so... STUPID. So damn stupid to let that one phrase ruin my life. I told her so many nice things, I told her that I didn't want to sleep, because " talking " to her was better than dreaming. That she was a dream come true or something like that. She told me that she had fallen in love. 

I feel goosebumps rise from my skin when I remember that night. I feel... All the tingly hairs standing straight up like a sharp arrow when I remember that one, horrible night. I called her honey, honey bunches, sweetie... No no NO YOU IDIOT!

We continued roleplaying, but it was... No longer fun. It lost all the excitement and care because she wanted things that she knew I did not enjoy. She had... An abuse fetish. An extreme one at that, she loved the times I described whenever she'd be choked or slapped in the face by a big tentacle monster. And at first I thought I liked it, but deep down... I couldn't stand it. I don't hate a bit of masochism here and there, but straight up abuse? I mean you do you, but she never told me prior, and ordered me to make these type of descriptions for her. 

Every night, and I mean every. Single. God. Damn. Night. We'd finish roleplaying, and when I am just SO desperate to go to sleep, to rest my eyes, to take a 5 minute long break... She'd want another. Not to roleplay another one, but she wanted me to make an at least paragraph long plot before we did go to bed. I hated it, because most of the time. It was what she wanted. Which at first made me happy, because she was thinking of herself. And that's always good in a relationship. To think about your loving partner, but also yourself. 

She wanted gore. She had an extreme gore fetish. 

That is where I draw the line. Unless it is a pivotal scene of like... I don't know, a fight scene or something, then that is fine. But she loved it in oral sex. Blood covered Himiko Toga fingers that caressed her chest. A full on school shooting. And even lolis getting tortured by mangled creatures that they called daddy. I had to make those plots for her so damn much. I was getting so sick of them, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her that. Coward... 

I still loved her, which was the worst part of it. In the morning she'd send me pictures of a pastel colored neko Rem whilst saying,  "Good morning senpai!~"  I loved it. I loved it soooooooo much. BUT WHY DID I HAVE TO? She'd also love to make me create roleplays that she knew I didn't like, like extremely violent yaoi roleplays. I don't mind yaoi, I've even drawn my own... Well... Arts of it, despite not actually being a homosexual. Yet she would NOT stop asking for them, and she knew I wasn't comfortable with it... She'd guilt trip me by saying things like,  sigh...   Which I couldn't stand I tell you.

I was becoming her bot. Her little automated roleplay bot, because I never talked back, I never said anything, I just did what she wanted me to. It was about her being happy, which is what I wanted. But her happiness costed me. I locked myself away from others just to not disappoint or upset her. And I later found out she had depression, making my situation even worse. Trapped I was. 

Until I decided we finally needed a break. I eventually told her straight up that we needed just ONE SINGLE DAMN day off. She sadly said okay. Good. Goody goody good!

Later, she called me a smart ass for telling her that I didn't like how she only did one liners  when I was being detailed just for her. The next day I broke up with her. Blocked her, texted her  (Since I was stupid and gave her my phone number) and she finally accepted it. Good, right? Enough of those sickening roleplays that kept me awake for hours every night. 

Valentines day was when she came back. She just so lovingly texted me back, saying happy Valentines and asked if I could unblock her. Mmmmmm... I was so stupid, because I did. And eventually, after a few more roleplays, after she asked me multiple times if we could get back together... I asked one thing, 

"I'm really sorry, but, haven't we done this roleplay three times already..?"  It was a terrible loli roleplay, a fire and ice queen that would go to war until they fell just so deeply in love with each other. Aww, ain't that just the sweetest? No, no it was not for me. Since we did variations of it two other times, and I hated... ALL OF THEM. SO MUCH. IT WAS LIKE LETTING FIRE ANTS RIP AND TEAR MY EYELIDS OUT UNTIL I GOT RED SORES ALL OVER MY EYES. 

She blocked me, and texted me that it felt like she could never speak her mind with me. But if only she knew, wait... No, she did know. God... I despise her now... I simply said,  "Well, if you don't like talking to me, you don't have to."  And she said,  "Great!"  I did NOT respond. My friends cheered me on for finally getting rid of her. Yet even now, I keep thinking about everything she did to me. Everything that kept me awake and made me sacrifice time with my family just to be WITH HER. 

I didn't even care that she sent me a nude picture of herself that I didn't ask for, and her asking me for them too when I TOLD HER NO.. That meant NOTHING to the amount of Stockholm syndrome I got from her. But why, why does she keep coming back to my head? I just want to forget her... Just one thing in my life that'll let me feel a tiny bit better about myself, not remembering my past with her. What she did to me... WHAT SHE DID TO ME. 

Thankfully, Ecchidreams lets me momentarily forget. Even if I'm not an expert at using this site, I can at least get with experienced people to make my life just a tad better. Those little things can go a long for me, or for all of us, I should say. 

Thank you for listening to my personal story. 

[Sunstone]

I read your story. I thought it was an interesting story that addressed some strong negatives and positives, and, seeing that things appear to have gotten better for you in the aftermath of all of that is a good sign. It sucks that you had to go through that, and, I can sort of understand what you went through, which the way you described it sounded like a case of "seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses". Everything can seem magical and perfect in the heat of the moment when you feel you are in love with someone... being lovestruck is a powerful emotion. Love itself is powerful. Sadly, it's very easy to get ahead of yourself and fall into minefields without realising it when you think you have found the perfect partner, and you have to exercise caution - especially online. You never know for sure who's on the other end behind the screen, and chances are, more often than not, people IRL are quite different from who they present themselves as online.

I get that you were younger and naive, and I think most people, especially in their younger years, have experienced deep infatuation for someone who turned out to not be who they are looking for. I'd say probably one of the biggest morals of this story is that you should never be subservient to others, especially in a relationship. I'm aware that I probably come off as hypocritical to those who know me well, as I myself have been subservient to others before to the point where my own necessities and needs have been neglected. You're a person to, who has as much equal right as everyone else to accept or decline wanting to do something or spend time with someone else. They shouldn't control you, or otherwise guilt you into being a certain way or doing certain things that appease them. In an ideal relationship, both partners would be able to come to an agreement on when and how they would be able to spend time together, and make time for each other and accept that they both may have various commitments and priorities.

All in all, I'm glad to hear that you cut ties with that person. Obviously I don't the know the full extent of your relation to her but judging from what I read in your post, I'd say she is a toxic person who only sees you as someone who can entertain her, and nothing else. Even if it seemed as though there was more to it than that, I very much believe she's been pulling you along. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but, that's honestly the way I see it, and in saying that, it makes me all the more glad to hear that you are keeping your distance from her now.
 

Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it, and, I hope things go more smoothly for you from here on out. She may have been a bag egg, but there's still plenty of good eggs out there in wild! It just takes time to find the right one.