Rucio, Emperor of Cheese

It's real, but the pay is so bad that after taxes, you end up owing money. I wish I had food.

Cock fight

Granted, but due to the definition of UFO, it will just be a giant anatomically correct penis with wings, and it's so big nobody can tell what it is. I wish you all a happy holidays.

Gargantuan balls

Granted, but it's only of your neighbors, and you can only paint them in your own blood, freshly extracted for that purpose. I wish I was dead. (Go ahead, corrupt that.)

Granted, but you are now required to speak 168 different languages a day and only play an unpatched, nonremastered version of Dark Souls. And you always get invaded. Even when you aren't human. I wish I had a penny.

Double Penetration

Oh dear, time to open up the box of absolutely terrible ideas. My roleplaying days actually started around when I was nine, right after I finally got my mitts on Pokemon Diamond. God, that game was amazing, and I liked it, but I was bad at it, oh well. That's not the point, though. The point is mainly Cynthia, the champion of Sinnoh. To say I liked Cynthia's design was an understatement. She was my first (I didn't know this was the word at the time) waifu, if you could call it that. Something I was really oblivious about, however, was the fact that those beads in her hair? Yeah, I thought those were cat ears. So my dumbass thought she had cat ears and nobody paid any attention to it. I was trying to find some way to make more interaction with the character, and I ended up writing the worst possible thing: a fanfiction. Dear god, I look back at that thing and actually retch, it was that bad. It wouldn't be for a few years later that actual roleplaying became a thing for me. Now, my first roleplay was based off of a video game, so that's the first hint. Most would have guessed Pokemon, or Final Fantasy, or an RPG. It wasn't an RPG. It wasn't a puzzle game with anime girls all over it. It wasn't a bullet hell game. No, of all the fucking series in the world, it was Dance Dance Revolution. Specifically SuperNOVA. You see, every few years, they change the design of the characters drastically, to the point you can't recognize them at all. Look at Emi from the DDRMAX/Extreme era and then see the SuperNOVA era Emi, and you'll see what I mean. I actually really liked her design, and wanted to see if anyone had made a story about her. Turns out there was something better: someone in an internet group I was in looking for someone to essentially write it with them. And thus began my first roleplay, a DDR roleplay in which Emi... Just lived a normal life. It wasn't anything crazy, to be honest, I had tried making a few characters show a romantic interest, but I didn't really understand how to show that at the time (and I can't say that I do now, if we're being honest). That died out quickly. Fun fact though: I still play DDR to this day, and at one point I was the best in my state. Also, hot damn, looking up these characters to remember their names also makes me realize how young they canonically are. I suppose it makes sense but then again... I wouldn't do any roleplaying again until about 3 years ago or so, when the awkward hentai phase began. I was trying to find sites to roleplay on that would allow roleplays of the sexual nature, and it was then I found the great cesspit that I will only refer to as "FCN". If you know what it is, it got a lot worse than you remember. The site had a lot of glaring issues, mainly the endless bots and people trying to get nudes of children (which quite frankly makes me wonder why the site is still up), as well as a lack of ability to save posts (once your browser closes, you can't see what you posted) and the character limit per post was abysmally short. Half decent replies would take a whole 3 posts to actually send in their entirety. However, in the mire of bots and pedophiles, there were some actually good roleplayers there, and I am ashamed to say I was not one of them by any standard. I made some good "friends" there, and I still hop on it once a month or so to see how they're doing. One of them, however, ended up showing me to a Discord server of all places, and I'm still quite active there to this day. It was where I came up with my roleplaying username. To no surprise, I use a separate username on the rest of the Internet than when I'm roleplaying. The name is actually from some obscure DS game, to the point that looking up the name won't show the game at all. As time went on, I wanted to find a new site, one that would fix the problems of FCN while still having an active community that I would grow to like. Then I found this one wierd site, I think it was called EcchiDreams or something? Eh, probably wasn't that big a site, I don't remember much about it. This was when I got really into roleplaying. My first roleplay here actually started on accident, while looking at EcchiChat. I was no longer in the awkward hentai phase (now it was just the hentai phase) and I was veey much into nekos at the time, and their username caught my eye. TimidNekomimi, I believe it was at the time. I speak, of course, of @Nyaa~Chan, and oh my, that roleplay took some very crazy twists and turns. It's since calmed down into what I like to think is a wholesome loving relationship between a neko and a human, but ever since she vanished, I've just been hoping she's alright. Since I've joined this site, a lot of the people I've roleplayed with have moved on, or become more busy, and I understand that. I just hope they come back once in a while, to check on their old friends they had made, and the worlds they helped to build, but at the same time... I want to keep building those worlds. Those worlds are what bring light into my life for the most part, and it really does make me realize how much I like roleplaying with this community. I may not always reply immediately, or within the same day, or even the same month sometimes, but I make sure it's worth the wait. I only hope it actually is. TL;DR: I started because Pokemon made me horny and write a fanfiction dear god.

Granted, but EcchiDreams crashes to the point of it being irreparable. I wish that doesn't happen.

Granted, but nobody is happy with literally anything, and this "world peace" is really just the entire planet bottling up it's hatred leading to a very violent explosion of emotions causing the third World War, and thus the end of all human life as we know it. I wish I had a girlfriend. There's an easy one to corrupt.

Granted, but it's a pool table. I wish I could be happy with my love life.

Granted, but they only type in octal. I wish I could get back to a state of good health.

Granted, but every single bit of energy, light and heat will go through your cranium, and anything in the way will be unaffected. AKA you literally will be a lightning magnet. I wish I had a single slice of Muenster cheese, cut right off a fresh block, in my right hand.

Granted, but they are literally the balls of various dragons, and they aren't very keen of having them removed. I wish I had a neko as a pet.

Ecchi Dreams

"H-Hey... Does this mean you plan on buying? If you're not, then t-this is as far as I'll let you go!" Alyssa would whimper after being groped by Hugh, legs firmly clamping down on his hand, failing to keep it stuck there. "I-I get like it randomly sometimes... It's been a problem since I was 14..." She would explain, blushing and looking away, already certain the problem was going to get worse. But she had to endure... Had to get him to cum from her somehow, enough to charge him a decent amount... "Well, Mr. Oberlin? Like what you see?"

Alyssa would step back, realizing she really wouldnt get much of a say from here on out. "Y-Yes, Mr. Oberlin..." She would say, unzipping her hoodie and letting her pants fall to the floor, revealing her lingerie that would be her uniform. She could feel her breasts beginning to grow erect at the idea of making money off the landlord, and she was thankful she got a sturdy bra to match the set. Now, if only it could manage the fact she was starting to feel wet. Did he want her to go completely nude?

Huh. She had assumed that he was going to blackmail her or demand a lower rate or something, solely due to the whole "I'm less nice when people lie" and his sheer musculature. Oh well, there was still time to recover from her awkwardness. "O-Okay, fair... Just, make sure you close and lock the door first. No funny stuff either, Hugh. I've heard enough stories about these sorts of things to not fully trust you right now." She would warn, waiting for him to close the door before she even thought about unzipping her hoodie. On the bright side, if she did well enough, she might just get herself a new regular client!

"U-Ummm... I'm still trying to come up with rates, if we're honest... I usually go with $50 for each time they cum on me, $60 for mouth and tits, $70 for the ass, $80 for the main dish with a condom, and $100 for cumming inside..." She would explain awkwardly. Her first customer was nice, paid 500 for 2 rounds with a condom, but she had the feeling Hugh would not be so generous. "Oh, you're interested? Maybe we can talk about the rates a bit, but I can't give you a huge discount... It's how I pay the bills and all that..."

Well, it was clear which of the three problems Hugh had. While Alyssa had made sure to avoid soliciting customers in the same apartment building due to possible awkwardness, it did inevitably happen from time to time. "Y-Yeah, once or twice here and there... Guessing you'd rather I do it somewhere else, or even better, not at all?" She would reply, stepping away from the tall, lean giant, "A-And even if I am... Doesn't give you the right to put your hands on me." She would add, hands balling into fists. The last thing she needed was to have to deal with a court case against her landlord, but for once, it would have been nice for Jonathan to get home early...

Intense Orgasm

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck. Hearing Hugh knocking on the door could only mean one of three things: There was a good reason to believe Hugh didn't want a prostitute in his apartment complex, which would explain it. Maybe Jonathan forgot to pay his half of the rent last Friday like he was supposed to. Or, most likely, Hugh was going to try and blackmail her into giving him a free service in exchange for rent, which would spiral downward like so many plots of hentai. "U-Um, sure, just a moment!" She would shout, hastily throwing her jeans and hoodie back on, kicking her shirt under the couch as she zipped up the hood, ensuring it covered all the goods. Peeking through the eyehole, it was certain that this was Hugh, not some impostor. Opening the door to her landlord, somewhat nervously, she would lean against the door frame, trying to act casual. "Yeah, what's up, Hugh? Don't usually see you in the building unless you're signing a new tenant. Wanna come in, have a seat and all that nonsense? Courtesy, or whatever? I dunno, Jon's usually the one here when you're around." She would ramble, not much of people person except in uniform. God, this was not going to go well.

Great Mating!

Alyssa let her outdoor clothes fall to the floor as she finally made it home, knowing for a fact Jonathan wasn't home. He was never home around 5:00 PM, he was still on the clock. Of course, she had a whole hour before her usual patrols, and she left her number all over for possible clients. If she was as lucky as her first night, she could probably pay this months rent fully within a week! As long as everyone was as nice or as gentle as that first guy... Alyssa waited silently for a caller, hoping there'd be a taker...