Was I wrong for this?

[Ponderer]

Hiya. It’s 3 AM over here and my insomniac mind is fully awake currently, so I decided to finally release some information that I have been holding close to my chest for I think 7 or 6 years now. 

A little background for the story: I was a young idiot. I had never touched a girl intimately before, much less had full blown sex. I was very horny. 
 

I used to go to a Youth Group class everyday in Friday after school. The pastor who was a close family friend was very kind and drove me and a bunch of other kids with him back to the building to learn some Christian values (whatever that means, lol.) 

One day, a girl that went to the Bible camp last year with me decided to start attending. I do not know her race, but she struck me as a Mexican or at least someone with some Mexican heritage. To a horny, slightly chubby geek like me, she was utterly gorgeous. 

She was very quiet during the van ride but once we made a stop at another kid’s home, she started speaking to me and showed me a Key and Peele sketch (she was the one to actually introduce me to them, which I am forever thankful for.)

A few more times of attending the Youth Group together made us start to develop a fondness that quickly went over to the sexual side. That was at least what happened to me; I am not sure if she had any sort of feeling like that, but I do know that she reciprocated all of the stuff I said and did.

One day, I was just blankly staring at a poster on the church wall before she came to my side. She watched it with me and we spoke. I don’t remember what we spoke about—all I remember was the utter tremor I felt in my chest as my heart beat out of it as I contemplated doing what I eventually would do. I turned to her, grabbed her shoulders, and kissed her. Mind you, there were the teacher and the other students in the room at the back, but my list was far too strong to care about that.

The kids didn’t stop and quickly drew in intensity and passion before we snuck to the bathroom. We kept making out before I kissed down her neck and reached for her shirt; I lifted it past her chest before latching myself onto one of her breasts before I began to undress. Right before I took off my underwear, I asked her, “are you okay with this?” She proceeded to nod before I drew off my underwear. 

She gave me a blowjob but it wasn’t something you could write about due to her occasionally scraping her teeth around by shaft. It didn’t matter to myself back then because it was the only head I ever got from a girl. My idiotic self didn’t know the first thing about actual sex, so I just emulated what I saw and porn and bent her over in the doggy position before pumping a few times into her. It didn’t lead to any climax, so she went back to sucking before I jerked off into her mouth. After that, we had sex one more time before our ‘relationship’ slowly dissipated. 

The issue I have with this and the reason it has remained so hard in my mind, is if I was wrong for just having sex with her and not really filling my role as a ‘boyfriend.’ After we fucked, she asked me if we were a thing. Me being a lonely fatty said “of course.” 

I never acted as a boyfriend though. I didn’t ask her about what she liked, disliked or what was on her mind. I never brought her any gifts or give her any sort of soothing gesture that would cause her to be at ease around him as her boyfriend. I just liked sex and was always wondering when we could do it again. 

She lived with a divorced mom that seemed to be not the greatest parent. I had no idea about her home life, but she was not well. I say this because I saw cut marks on her wrists this one time we were alone. That was the moment I tried to talk and act like her man, but it was just a shocked reaction and a gentle reprimand that I could barely muster. 

Since then, I got paralyzed from the chest down in a car accident and I haven’t had any sex or even been with a woman since they mishap in 2019. I sometimes think it’s a funny way of God punishing me for my sins of the past, lol. 

Anyways, I don’t want to ramble any more than I already have. What do you think after reading this? 
 

Speak the truth. 

[Pixel]

I'm not gonna lie my dude this just sounds like average horny teenage behavior. You're not the first one that urges have taken control of and you won't be the last. It's okay to have regret about it, but it was a consensual thing and many of us have experienced similar things when we're young, or sometimes even after growing up (hopefully not because that shit doesn't work in the adult world.). We call these "flings".

Neither of you really knew what you were doing, by the sounds of it, if you were as young as it sounds, you were likely just feeling good with someone and wanted to chase the feeling and probably didn't know how to make a functional relationship work at that age (most everyone doesn't. We just always pretended we did.). It's a very common thing, and it's also common for people, friends, flames and partners to come and go out of our lives. We grow, we learn and that process never stops.

She was your first, as they say you always remember your first. I definitely remember mine and often used to wonder what ifs myself, but I don't really think much about her anymore after she used to haunt me like a ghost. Obviously this is a memory and thoughts that mean something to you, so saying "don't sweat it" will probably mean very little, but...

Don't sweat it. You had a perfectly normal experience.

[Ponderer]

I had a feeling this was the response I would receive, which I am very happy to see, lol. I try not to guilt myself for that shit, but it’s a bit hard just because of the situation and some other factors. Last I hear was that she was married and had a kid. She was a year younger than me, so she was very young mom. Haven’t spoken to her since high school, but I hope she is doing much better.

Thank you for the message. I really needed it, brother