YIELD

[IsabellaRose]

YIELD

a story about a girl letting go and finding herself

 

I. Introduction

My freshman year was quiet, just me studying, practicing, and a handful of pretty forgettable boyfriends. I had a party girl roommate, Sharon, and when she was out, I was home studying. I slept when I could, sometimes on a couch down in the lounge when she decided to bring home some random guy to scream out the loudest orgasms in the world with in our tiny room. She was literally my polar opposite. I got along with sober Sharon just fine. She was fun, funny, and loved horror movies. We were close to the same size, and she borrowed my shoes too often for my liking, but she let me borrow her strappy heels when I wanted to dress up, so I was happy to trade every now and then. Still, she was... extra.

The aforementioned boyfriends were... well, they're ex's now, so that should tell you something. Most of them were typical college boys and really only wanted sex. I wasn't very interested in sex. I'd done it already, with Kirk Landon in high school, and the experience wasn't anything to write home about. My best friend in high school, Tina, had insisted I try it a few more times, because everyone knew the first time sucked. Kirk hadn't impressed me, so I tried it with another muscle guy, Trent, who also failed to impress. Determined to learn from my mistakes, I dated a theater guy named Evan, thinking maybe I needed someone sensitive to get the full effect. He wasn't done in thirty seconds like the other two, but he just... made it so much. I wasn't in love with him... I mean, he was nice, and handsome, and super sweet, but... he tried to make it all romantic. I just wanted a good fuck, but he went all romance novel and honestly, I got bored. So I decided maybe sex just wasn't my thing.

I wasn't even planning on dating in college, to be honest. But guys talked to me, invited me out, and for every ten times I said no, one would catch me in just the right mood or say just the right thing and next thing I knew, I'd be out on a date. They didn't all go somewhere, but several guys ended up sticking around regularly enough through my freshman and part of my sophomore year to be considered boyfriends, I guess. I even slept with a few of them, but none of them changed my opinion of sex as a waste of time. But then I met Marcus.

[IsabellaRose]

II. The Boys Before: Blake

Blake and me

 

Before I tell you about Marcus, let me tell you about the boys I dated before him. The first was Blake. I know, the name should have tipped me off.

Where those high school boys had been all muscles or earnestness, Blake was everything I thought I wanted in a boyfriend. He was a top student, polite, from a well-to-do family, attentive, doting, and he showered me with gifts. I should have loved that. But it all felt... I don't know. Fake? I didn't feel like he cared about me as much as he went through the motions of doing all the things he was supposed to do for his girlfriend. First date at an expensive restaurant to show he had taste - check. Second date at the theater to show he appreciated the arts - check. Third date at the carnival to show he could have fun - check. I just felt like everything was on his checklist, including our first kiss. Like it was timed out and precise, this was when we should kiss, this was when I should let him touch my breast, this was when we should sleep together. It didn't help that I saw pictures of his ex-girlfriends and realized that if we all stood together we'd look like some kind of pro-diversity poster. After that, I felt like I was the trophy Asian girlfriend, like he was trying to get one of each flavor before he settled down with his perfect blonde Stepford Wife. 

  

I had fun with him, but it all felt manufactured, like we were models posing for photos with no real substance behind them. I wanted to like him, and he treated me very well. But in the end, he wanted to sleep with an Asian girl and I wanted more than to be his conquest. I never slept with, despite many, many attempts to direct us toward nudity and dark bedrooms. I think that was why he eventually just stopped calling. Sharon said she saw him dating some other Asian girl a few months later, so maybe he finally checked that off his bucket list. Either way, I don't feel like I missed anything there. 

[IsabellaRose]

III. The Boys From Before - Dylan

Dylan was a step up from and two boyfriends after Blake. He was just as good to me, but it felt natural with him, not forced. His smiles were genuine, his laugh was infectious, and when he touched me... goosebumps. Where I resisted Bake's scheduled dating template advances because they felt forced, Dylan just made things feel natural. I slept with him after our second date. He made me feel things.

 

He made me feel something in bed, too. For the first time, sex was actually enjoyable. I'd never been brought to orgasm by vaginal sex, never by a penis at all. The closest I came was some heavy petting, rubbing against each other with our clothes on, a penis pressing against my clitoris through layers of clothing. It felt good and I almost got there, but then it turned into clothes coming off and parts being inserted and he got off but I didn't. 

But Dylan tried to satisfy me before he satisfied himself. He put in effort. He moved right, touched right, adjusted, asked questions. I liked that. It was like an experiment, trial and error, and he found a spot I really liked. I gave him a lot of chances to get me there, even if he did end up wearing himself out trying. For the first time, I wanted to have sex, and we did. We had a lot of sex.

  

But ultimately, he didn't give me that big O I knew was possible, and I had to give it to myself with my fingertips on my clit. I'd been built up, brought close, but in the end, I'd been let down again. But the worst part was, now I knew it was out there, I knew it was possible to get that same feeling from sex. I broke things off with him. I told him it just wasn't working, and I told myself I didn't need a boyfriend, that it was getting in the way of my studies. But the truth was, I wanted to find a man who could give me what none so far had been able to give me.

[IsabellaRose]

IV The Boys Before: All The Others

I dated a lot then, and slept with a lot of guys. I thought maybe an older experienced guy might be what I needed. Maybe an active guy was what I needed. I thought big muscles might do it. I thought a big cock might be the answer. I tried them all, with increasingly lower standards for what it took to go to bed with a guy. 

       

 

I searched for something in a lot of beds and back rooms, but I didn't find it. I ended up using my own fingers more often, or just ended up unsatisfied, waiting for them to finish. It was disappointing, and I began to lose interest in sex. I started to think that I was never going to find what I wanted. I tried, but I spent more time fingering myself or growing bored while some guy pumped ineffectually into me. He got off, I did not. Bleh.

    

It wasn't working, and it wasn't worth it. I'd let myself get caught up in... whatever weird fantasy I'd been caught up in. I needed to focus on my studies. I gave up.

Edited March 20 by IsabellaRose