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Mr Silence


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So, some of this I've already wrote elsewhere on the site, decided to consolidate and elaborate on it here.  A summarized version of what makes me me.

Basically, I've been quiet and rather limited in social life/experiences my entire life or close to it.  My memory of these things goes back to at least 1st grade.  My memories before that are rather dim and fragmented, though my situation was at least a little more ordinary.  I remember interacting with if not being friends with a number of neighbor kids, though I only remember the name and much else about one of them.

In first grade I switched schools and it was then or around then we moved to a bigger house a few blocks away.  At this point I more or less loss contact with those previous kids, though I remember seeing the one I remember clearer at least a few more times.  Anyway, I found myself having an immense fear of interaction of any sort.  I never willingly talked with anyone in the school and only with great reluctance and pressure could they get me to do something like read aloud in class.  Even this stopped by probably 4th grade and the silence picked up.  The only people my age I could bring myself to speak with were my brother and a few new neighbor kids (mostly one, didn't interact nearly as much with the others) and the significantly older brother of the one neighbor kid (a teenager when we were kids, and a pain to deal with at the time but much less so after we all got older).

My ability to interact with the extended family has been poor too, uncles, aunts, cousins (though did a little with the 2 cousins around my age when we were kids), grandparents when they were alive, and more recently my sister-in-law, niece and nephew.  Nothing against any of them, but could never get that comfortable with them.

This continued into Middle School and High School.  Included a fun time when the homeroom teacher in Middle School made me stand in front of the class for a presentation and I put up a board for it but just stood there in silence for something like 15-20 minutes annoying everyone.  Even after the teacher had been warned about my silence by one of the two kids in the class I had been in elementary school with, but she did not really believe it until after that.  Fortunately things were made easier by the fact there was always at least one kid in class who had been in one with me previously and warned the teacher about it, usually in first day attendance as I remember.  Miserable as school was, there was at least never a repeat of that presentation experience.  In the end some were friendly with me, some indifferent and some who made me miserable at the time, but no one there I would consider a friend and I never experienced a number of the common school age experiences.

I suppose I was fortunate in timing.  Middle-school was when the early internet as we know it was just starting to grow in popularity and I was introduced to it in school.  It may have been primitive and painfully slow (and limited time due to dial up and only one phone line, then having to share it with my brother when we got a second line) but if I had been a few years older things might have turned out much worse.

Once I started to get in my early 20s I was lost as far as what to do next, but ended up at first in the local community college taking random classes without any ultimate goal.  At this point my lack of interaction with women was becoming far more troublesome and frustrating.  Tried a number of dating sites with no success, eventually though put a profile up on a smaller site that no longer exists and since they were less strict with content, I basically begged a girl to help me lose my virginity.  Surprisingly there was someone interested in helping, she was not quite as close as would have been ideal (2 or 3 hour drive).  We talked a bit online and she agreed to come over.

At this point I should explain that then and still now, I am not especially appealing to women in general.  In addition to the social issues, I have never moved out on my own or got a car/license, this was bad enough in the early 20s but even worse now.  It probably helped that the girl was half in my situation, not having moved out either.  Anyway she came over, we found an isolated place and did it right away.  She hung around for about a year after that.  Looking back I'm not sure if girlfriend or sex friend described her better, as we spent at least 90% of our time together in bed but there was probably some degree of mutual feelings for each other beyond lust.  I've never been on a real date in the traditional sense.  I won't go into the details, but around a year later she called, said something had happened and we have not spoken since.  Now around 15 years later I would not have a way to contact her even if I wanted to and my attempts to make any progress with women since then have been a complete failure, though I don't hold it against them considering the circumstances.  I hope to find one again and hopefully in the fairly near future but it will have to likely be a fairly special girl to even consider it and be close enough to go through with it.

After college I was lucky enough to have a family connection that got me a job, which I still have now.  My silence continued for my early years there but eventually management pressured/eased me into breaking through it to a degree, still very quiet but not comparable to before.  But my interaction is essentially limited to coworkers (mostly online since the pandemic, with me working from home) and my parents.  My contact with my bother became much more infrequent when he surprised everyone by joining the army shortly after turning 18 and then complicated by his wife and kids.  The old neighbors had money/health issues and were forced to move and have not heard from them since, plus we moved one more time since then, mostly to be much closer to work.

So there I am.  My crippling lack of social life in more detail.  Most of it does not really bother me too much, though the lack of any progress with women can be frustrating.  It doesn't have much impact on me here other than I don't really do ecchichat sort of communications.

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