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Took a break from here after losing my brother


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I lost my brother over the summer. As I got the news, it upset me and I was depressed for a long while. When I lost my brother to suicide, it made me feel as if I needed to isolate myself from the world because I didn't think anyone would truly understand. For many years I was deeply depressed after being in a domestic violence relationship, which I got out of a few years ago. He used to abuse me everyday and I finally took the strength to get out of it. Didn't leave for so long because my life was threatened and I was deeply afraid of him. There came a point in my life where I wanted to end my own life because I lost many friends and didn't feel as if anyone could understand. I know this is all very upsetting for everyone to hear, but I was down on my luck. Once I lost my brother, I completely lost myself and didn't know what to do. Everything drained me and it took me a lot of courage to even get out of bed. Thankfully I got myself a therapist and I still continue to go. It helps me a lot. This is all so much to take in and I know this, but this is how depressed I got and I knew I needed help. It all starts with me to love myself first and to allow other people in eventually. It was very hard for me to allow anyone in because I was so scared of things and because I suffer with PTSD. All during the summer, I kept blaming myself over my brother's death because he hugged me goodbye and told me to take care of myself. As I thought back, I cried and wish I could have paid attention to the warning signs. I'm still hurting over this, but I eventually had to forgive myself and to stop blaming myself for everything. Anytime I tried to reach out to anyone, it seemed as if they were avoiding me and not wanting to speak to me, this depressed me even more. All I wanted was a true friend and for someone to talk to me, not ignore me and accept me for who I am. The more friends I lost, I became more depressed and just wishing I could speak to them one last time. So I took a break off of here because I didn't think anyone would truly understand or want to be my friend. Inside my head, I honestly thought everyone hated me and nobody wanted me around. This is how much I hate myself and think badly of myself. 

I never fully admitted this until now, but yes I think very low of myself and truly believe that nobody likes me or wants to be my friend. I came to realize that the reason I think this is due to the abuse and low self esteem, which I have. My mind was so negative and brainwashed by my fiance that I began to truly believe that I was this ugly horrible person and that nobody would ever like me. He drank and did drugs, told me that nobody would like me and put me down everyday or manipulated me. Around the time my brother was getting worse with his depression, I couldn't notice his suffering. Over the summer when he did it, things got worse for me and I was close to wanting to do the same thing, but I am glad I didn't. In the end I got myself help and therapy because that's what I truly needed. I still have bad days and I still cry every so often, I am now learning on trying to learn to love myself and accept myself for who I am. Because for a long time I hated who I was and cried a lot. All I ever wanted was to be accepted by people and to be friends with people and for me to make friends and laugh with them. For once in my life all I want to do is smile, chat with them and talk about fun things. Having friends always makes me happy and I miss having people to talk with and getting messages from people. I know all of this is so hard for everyone to take in but I needed to get this out because I've been bottling this in for a very long time and I needed to get it out. If this isn't allowed, I will completely understand and I deeply apologize but I can't keep this in anymore and I hope everyone understands. 

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