ʀ ᴇ ᴄ ᴏ ʟ ʟ ᴇ ᴄ ᴛ ɪ ᴏ ɴ s

[Raelyn Deactivated]

A journal for my random thoughts and sometimes, shenanigans. 
I would appreciate it if comments were not made here just to keep things clean and organized. 
Thank you for reading.

[Raelyn Deactivated]

001. The Hate I Love to Give

 

I’m not afraid to express antipathy towards the things and people I loathe. The mask I wear when approaching these insignificant individuals is called being “civil”. But I will never be civil towards those who intentionally hurt my friends and family. I only wish for the most gruesome and torturous death upon them, and pray that their souls rot beyond the rot in Hell.

My thoughts have become increasingly tainted in a short period of time. This hatred I hold like a precious diamond has become my weakness. It burdens me. But it also feels wonderful.

In actuality, I’m a masochist. Bearing physical and mental pain excites me. There are rare days where the mental strain overwhelms me, and I fall into a depression so grand that I can’t help but to prolong the feeling with melancholy songs and intrusive thoughts. It makes me feel alive. I don’t fall into depression easily, but when I do, I make sure to make it worthwhile. As for the physical pain? Why, the bedroom is where it feels the most magnificent.

Growing up, I was always the “good girl”. I present myself that way in real life to this day. It’s not a facade. It is part of who I really am. At least, that’s what I like to tell myself. To those who don’t know me well, the “good girl” is all they will ever see. Once you get to know me, once you dive into my depraved mind, you’ll see me for who I really am. You should feel flattered once that happens. That means I like you enough to reveal my true form to you. I’m one of those people off the street where you’d think, “Hmm, she’s a cute one. So bubbly and kind. She must have a mind that’s pure of heart”.

Imbeciles. Haven’t people learned that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover?

There is so much hate in my heart, but it’s compounded by so much love. Maybe that’s why I haven’t given in to my more deadly instincts. Some days, I think I should give in, but I’m not prepared to face the consequences…just yet.

[Raelyn Deactivated]

002. Escaping Is Not Cowardly

 

I feel guilty. Some days more than others. Still, it doesn’t prevent me from doing the things that I do, or thinking the way that I do. It’s interesting how our minds evolve the older we become. The morals we once held to the highest degree reduce to nothing more than a fleeting notion.

Lately, I’ve had the powerful urge to run away. It nags at my mind often these days. What if I just packed a duffel bag with the bare necessities and left everything and everyone I know behind? Starting a new life some place where no one knows who I am, I can’t help but wonder how liberating it would feel. I’d be leaving behind those who love me dearly, and those who are dependent on me. There are many who will be hurt by my actions.

And still, I wonder. I yearn for it.

I don’t have a tragic life. Compared to those who are actually suffering the most heinous abuse and transgressions, I’m just a tiny ant on their Mount Everest.

I just want to be free.

These thoughts continue to invade my state of mind like a thick fog blanketing a dying woodland. Stories of people going missing only to be discovered years later living a life that is unfamiliar to the loving families they left behind, it makes sense to me. I truly understand why they would commit such a selfish act.

I would be hated. I would most-likely be despised and shunned. But would I care? Would I be able to survive the repercussions of my actions in the end? I think I’m selfish enough to believe that with time, I would be able to thrive anywhere I go. Even if it meant dying alone. But let’s face it. We all die alone. 

Heavy chains bind me to this life and they’re restricting my airways, but these chains are getting rusty. It’s taking all of my strength not to break them before they turn to dust.

Our ties to those we’ve shared our entire lives with secures our place on this planet. Without these relationships, we’ll progressively go insane. They play a significant role in our reason to live.

And still, I wonder. 

[Raelyn Deactivated]

003. Porcelain

 

It’s unnerving teetering on the edge like this.

I’m like porcelain, more durable than glass but still delicate enough to shatter.

I’ve been chipped for a while now. Jagged cracks continuously stretch across my flawed surface from the slightest whip of the breeze. Sometimes, there is no breeze. Just warm and tranquil air.

I’m afraid to fall, but more than that, I’m afraid to leap. Both are causes for ruination. These considerations are bringing forth a desolation so fantastic, it feels overwhelmingly wonderful yet disastrously traumatic.

If my body hits the solid ground, will I shatter? I hope I shatter. I deserve the pain and suffering.

What’s even more frightening is something breaking my fall. I’d be able to pick myself up in one piece and walk away with no injuries. Not even a tiny scratch. That truly would be the most frightening thing…

But I’ll remain here on this edge, unmoving like a porcelain statue. I refuse to take another step. My stubbornness usually outweighs my passing inclinations. That is, until it doesn’t.

I’ll only wonder what it will feel like to fall and break into several pieces.

I’ll only wonder what it will feel like to fall and get back up unscathed.

[Raelyn Deactivated]

004. Mood

 

A tarnished heart and soul…

Blood in lieu of tears…

Only time will tell.

ꕤ Artwork by yours truly