The WetNoodle Experience

[WetNoodle]

This is something I've been pondering whether I should write or not. But, you know... what the hell? As some of you may or may not know, YA BOI NOODS used to be an avid user of... *looks around* ...drugs! And I have a lot of funny, sad... or at least interesting stories to go along with that. I've even wanted to chronicle my experiences of what sex is like while on different drugs... which.. if you want a quick list, I can just make it. But I figured they'd all come up *lenny* eventually if I keep telling these stories anyway. And if anyone's worried, know that I have been pretty much clean for the past several years. I'll drink on occasion and if weed gets legalized in my state I'll be all over that, but I'm pretty.. mostly... positive... I'll never touch any hard stuff again. I think. Maybe.

I should also make a disclaimer that I'm not trying to promote drug use. I'm just telling about my experiences with them. My advice is think for yourself, but be aware of the risks involved. Research beforehand. And jail isn't very fun.

So like it is said at the beginning of White Zombie's 2000 album; Astro Creep 2000 during the song "Electric Head Pt. 1 (The Agony)" .... Perhaps I'd better start at the beginning.

The year is... well, I don't remember the year. It's sometime in the late 90's and a 15 year old edgy Noods is cruising around with his native buddy... "Billy". There's usually very little to do in this small, midwestern town that I grew up in but drive around. It was the cool thing to do. And if you were REALLY cool, you pimped out your car with Rockford Fosgate subwoofers and drove around blasting your angst to everyone within a six block radius. But Billy and I were pretty bored of driving and he informs me that one of his older friends' parents are out of town and he wants to party up. Billy also informs me that this guy... "Travis" loves to smoke weed and even likes to drop acid! He lives by the creek and likes to trip out and wander around. I admit, I was scared. Acid. That's some heavy stuff. You've all heard the stories about people losing their minds... seeing monsters and freaking out. True, through all my experiences, I've seen plenty of monsters. But I've never freaked out.

We pull up to Travis' place which isn't far from where I lived and go inside. The recently released self-titled album from Godsmack is blasting on his stereo system. This ought to date it. And also was on repeat and ended up being the soundtrack for this entire night. So love it or hate it, that album still brings back memories...

Aside from Godsmack, the first thing I notice is a girl I kind of know... we'll call her... "Sheri". She was a grade ahead of me and also hung out with a lot of the "troubling" kids. I knew her because we were in the same gym class. During said class, I had broken my wrist playing soccer (I KNOW... "FOOTBALL" TO ALL NON 'MURICANS!) and had to sit out for a couple weeks. Sheri had also hurt her knee and was doing the same. So for a few weeks PE class just became hanging out with her in the bleachers or by the sidelines while everyone else had to do stuff that required effort.

Sheri and I immediately recognize each other with that "Hey, you're that person" look, and Travis is incredibly friendly and energetic. As far as I can tell, he's not tripping. But what did I know? There's a jug of Captain Morgan on the table and a couple cases of Budweiser in the fridge and tells me to help myself. I make a Capt & Coke, grab a beer do the best I ever did, do the best that I can, now go away. (That was a Godsmack reference.)

By this point, I didn't smoke.. haven't done any drugs, but I was a semi-regular drinker since I was about 12/13. You see... my parents really enjoyed their beer. They'd go through roughly a case of it a day. They kept their beer in the basement refrigerator, which was in the same room where all my videogame stuff was hooked up at. So, thinking I was being sneaky... I'd start taking one beer out of each case per day and stashing it. Thinking they wouldn't notice. Now, having been an avid beer drinker myself... they HAD to have noticed. You know when a beer is gone! Regardless, I'd save them up during the week and have roughly 4-6 room temperature Old Milwaukee's to consume on the weekend. Yeah. Gross. But you got to make due.

So we're just hanging out and drinking for awhile... having a good old time. I'm about 2 Capt's and 4 beers in and have a pretty good buzz going, then Travis disappears for a second and comes back out with a pipe. He loads it up and we pass it around. Maybe even twice, I don't remember. Now by this point, I'm definitely feeling... something. I'm sitting in a recliner, spaced out, trying to figure it out. I'm used to an alcohol buzz, this is my first weed buzz... I'm trying to differentiate the two and figure out whether or not I like it.

At some point during my mental thesis, Travis and Billy had disappeared. They just left. Nowhere in the house. Didn't see them again for the rest of the night. Did they drop acid and go wandering in the creek? The world may never know. Also at this point, Sheri was suddenly up on me. Literally. Right on my lap. You know what else angsty Noods hadn't done until that point? Yup. Get laid!

Talk about getting two birds stoned at once! But here's the thing... I'm way more interested in figuring out what this weed is doing to me than I am in Sheri's advances. This may become a common theme in these stories. You got to have your priorities. And once I figured out the drugs and alcohol make you feel good... those were always on the top of my list... even above getting laid. Call me weird. Call me crazy. Just don't call me late for dinner.

Now don't get me wrong, Sheri's pretty good looking, and also edgy and cool. Way too cool to pop the cherry of a piece of shit like yours truly. And I'm like... annoyed that she's trying to get on me. Because I was the one who was so far away when I felt the snakebite enter my veins. But I did remember why I came. (Another Godsmack reference... remember this album has been playing nonstop... the sun is going down... we've probably listened to it at LEAST five times by now...). I'm trying to focus on my high when I hear the distressing tone of mouth sounds in my ear... the warmth of her hot slobber on my cheek and the stench of Captain Morgan in my nostrils. To this day, I still get mild PTSD from mouth sounds and the smell of Captain, which sucks because it tends to be the favorite drink of almost EVERY SINGLE FEMALE!!

Despite all of this, Sheri in her short shorts, grinding away on my lap as she slobbers all over my face seems to be doing the trick anyway. Little Noods is awake and wondering what's going on! Once she feels that she starts messing with my pants and gets off of me long enough to shimmy out of her shorts. By the time the idea enters my mind to ask about condoms or anything like that... OOOOoookkkaayyy.... nevermind, then. We're already in there. She pulls my head into her tank-topped bosoms and rides away. At this point, I'm just a combination of confused... excited... "Oh god.. what the fuck.." is repeating in my mind over and over. I make a decent showing for my first time... I'm sure the combination of booze and weed helped... maybe? But this isn't an RP where we both reach screaming glorious climaxes at the same time!! Eventually... I did my thing. She kept going for a little bit, then eventually got off of me. Did she get there, too? I have no idea. Probably not. F.

There's a moment of silence as the CD restarts and Sully once again wants to take a trip to the moon, baby. (Yes.. another GS ref...). I put little Noods back in his cage and realize it's getting dark outside. There's still no one else to be found. I mumble something to Sheri about having to go home. Luckily it's not that far of a walk. And I stumble out the door and wander home.. which will be an upcoming trend of me wandering around while fucked up on something.

AAAAAaaaaaaaaand that's all, folks! For now. Stay tuned for more Tales from the Noodle, unless this somehow gets banned, but I don't think it will.

[Always Sunny Deactivated]

Weed sex is the best sex though. I'm more upset that she ruined captain mo's for you. Who does that to a person?