Clarity

[Aura]

Image credit: Monobe (pixiv)

This user is blocked. [Hide messages]

One week ago

10:03 AM

blocked_user: Hey

10:12 AM

You: How the hell are you messaging me? You're supposed to be in prison.

blocked_user: Ha, I'm out now. Only 5 years, remember?

10:29 AM

You: I have nothing to say to you.

blocked_user: You sure about that?

11:00 AM

blocked_user: I don't think that's true.

You: The hell do you know?

blocked_user: I know you more than you think.

You: Like hell.

blocked_user: I never left your mind.

You: Fuck off, stop messaging me.

blocked_user: You want me to stay.

You: I said fuck off.

blocked_user: You know as well as I do you can easily stop me.

You: I want you to fuck off.

blocked_user: You don't want me to go. Otherwise you'd just block me. You can do that, you know.

11:10 AM

You: I don't block people.

blocked_user: Then I can be your first again.

11:27 AM

You: Shut the fuck up and don't message me again.

blocked_user: You want me to stay.

12:00 AM

blocked_user: No response?

12:10 AM

blocked_user: Looks like I'm still not blocked.

You: What the hell do you want from me?

blocked_user: Ha, it's not what I want, babygirl.

12:13 AM

You: Don't call me that.

blocked_user: You used to love it.

You: That was before you fucking raped me, asshole.

blocked_user: That wasn't rape and you know it.

You: Fuck. You.

blocked_user: I know you better than you think. You pressed charges because you felt ashamed. But you know you wanted every second of it.

12:42 AM

blocked_user: You're thinking of me now, aren't you?

blocked_user: I'm aaall you can think about right now.

blocked_user: You remember that night. You remember calling me daddy.

You: Choke on a knife and die.

blocked_user: You remember how it felt. You remember the way your virgin little cunt gripped my cock and wouldn't let go.

blocked_user: You remember moaning, begging for more.

You: I never asked for it.

blocked_user: You didn't say it, but it was clear as day. The court didn't know it, but you do.

1:15 PM

blocked_user: Don't worry, I forgive you. It was only five years and I'm out now.

blocked_user: And it was worth every moment.

blocked_user: You've gone silent but you still haven't blocked me.

blocked_user: I know you're just on invisible. You're online, aren't you?

blocked_user: You're reading these messages?

blocked_user: Of course you are, but you're going to pretend you're not online.

blocked_user: I know what you want, babygirl. Nobody has to know.

blocked_user: [Content hidden]

blocked_user: [Content hidden]

blocked_user: [Content hidden]

blocked_user: This could be you, you know.

blocked_user: Pinned down, all helpless, screaming for more as I tear your body up from the inside out all over again.

blocked_user: You were drooling, do you remember?

blocked_user: I'd never seen you so turned on. Your heart had to have been pounding out of your chest. You were begging me to let you finish.

3:42 PM

You: Fuck you. None of that is true, I don't want anything to do with you and you're a fucking asshole, you ruined my life! Now stop messaging me.

blocked_user: Who ruined your life? You were thanking me back then.

You: I didn't know any better.

blocked_user: Your friends didn't know. You knew more than you're willing to admit now.

You: I was just a kid.

blocked_user: So was I.

You: You were an adult.

blocked_user: I was 18 and you were 17. And we were dating.

You: You knew what you were doing.

blocked_user: I did, and you loved me for it.

blocked_user: What did you do when you read those messages, huh?

You: I was trying to ignore them.

blocked_user: You took a long time to reply.

blocked_user: You were looking for a private place, weren't you?

blocked_user: That was it, isn't it? You had to rush home to masturbate to me, huh?

You: You don't fucking know me at all!

blocked_user: Haha, I fucking knew it. You haven't changed one bit.

blocked_user: You were masturbating to me.

blocked_user: But I can do so much more than get you to masturbate. I'll go to jail all over again. We can turn this into a game.

blocked_user: And I know you're all flustered now. Maybe I should give you a call?

You: Stop it.

blocked_user: You're turned on by this. All of this.

You: I'm not.

blocked_user: That's why you're replying with short messages. You wanna see what I'll say. You wanna be convinced.

You: I want you to die.

blocked_user: Maybe I'll come back anyway and bite your neck~

You: Leave me alone, I hate you!

blocked_user: Yet I'm still not blocked.

blocked_user: See, that's how I know you're into this shit.

blocked_user: You're a twisted little girl and I love that about you.

blocked_user: You love a man to take you without consent. You'd never admit to it.

blocked_user: You'd never give consent to a man like me. You want it to be taken. That's just the way you are.

blocked_user: I know you're touching yourself again.

You: I'm flicking not!

You: I'm fucking not!

blocked_user: Typing with sticky fingers and getting autocorrected now?

You: Shut the hell up!

blocked_user: You don't have to admit to it. I can just keep on filling in the blanks for you.

blocked_user: You're probably sitting right there at your computer. Probably bent over your bed, rubbing yourself and imagining me standing over you.

blocked_user: You're remembering all the details about my cock. It's probably not even been that long ago since you thought about it. You remember every detail.

blocked_user: You're addicted to this feeling. It's a problem to you. You think you're broken.

You: You're fucking sick.

blocked_user: You want it to happen again so badly.

blocked_user: [Content hidden]

You: Stop sending me porn!

blocked_user: That's what you want me to do to you. Arm around your neck, whispering into your ear. Calling me daddy and begging for my cock.

blocked_user: Just like last time.

blocked_user: You've never fucked a guy like me since.

blocked_user: Normal sex just doesn't do it for you.

blocked_user: You really are a broken fuck toy.

blocked_user: I broke you.

blocked_user: I can break you again.

blocked_user: And I absolutely will.

blocked_user: I bet you've cum by now. I bet you're actually offline this time and freaking out. Yet I'm still not blocked.

blocked_user: You want to come back to more of this, don't you?

blocked_user: [Content hidden]

blocked_user: [Content hidden]

blocked_user: You know I could make you belong to me.

blocked_user: I could be your daddy, babygirl.

blocked_user: You wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again.

blocked_user: Just wear sexy outfits like those and I'll tear them off of you.

blocked_user: You'd look real cute in that red one, hm?

blocked_user: How about that collar? You've always wanted to be walked on a leash~

blocked_user: You want to submit to me.

blocked_user: You'll never admit it, and that's what makes you fun to play with.

6 days ago

10:04 AM

blocked_user: Good morning, babygirl.

blocked_user: How hard did you cum when you read those messages last night?

blocked_user: Why don't you come outside and see my surprise for you?

10:16 AM

blocked_user: Haha, I had you panicking again, didn't I?

blocked_user: And you know what's even hotter?

blocked_user: The fact that I bet you went outside.

You: Why are you doing this?

blocked_user: Because it's what you want.

You: Stop saying that, I don't want this!

blocked_user: You're addicted to me.

You: I'm not addicted to you, I want nothing to do with you!

blocked_user: I want you in my bed.

You: Leave me the fuck alone!

11:23 AM

You: You're such an asshole. I can't believe you. You fucking raped me. You took me when I didn't fully understand what was happening. I wasn't comfortable at any point, I didn't enjoy it, I wanted to fucking scream! I was completely fucking stiff and you just fucked me like some sort of sex toy! You used me, destroyed my confidence, stole years of my life from me, and I'll never be the fucking same all because of you! I fucking hate you and I genuinely want you to fucking kill yourself!

You: You want to know what I'm so afraid of admitting to you? I'm fucking terrified of you. I don't know what to do if I ever see you again. You should be in jail for the rest of your life. You should have been given the fucking death penalty. I'll only be comfortable with you when you're dead. Get the fuck out of here and stop talking to me.

You: This whole thing is a fucking game to you but it's a goddamn nightmare to me.

blocked_user: And yet you were touching yourself to me just last night.

You: I can't fucking believe you.

blocked_user: Still not denying it, huh?

blocked_user: You are still into it. I told you, I know you better than you think. I know you better than you want me to.

You: Please, just leave me alone.

blocked_user: Good girl to ask nicely.

You: What do you want?

blocked_user: I thought you wanted me to leave you alone.

You: I want to know why you're messaging me.

blocked_user: You know.

You: I don't.

blocked_user: You just want me to say it.

blocked_user: I want to fuck you again. I want to make you feel it all all over again. I want to break into your bedroom, bend you over that bed, and take you. I want to devour that slutty body of yours. I want to reveal the goddamn animal you are all over again and I want to hear you beg for it all over again.

blocked_user: That's what you want me to say, right?

5 days ago

1:02 AM

You: Look, okay, I just want to put this behind me, okay? I'm not the person I was back then. I'm 22 now. I'm in college, I have work. I don't want you constantly harassing me for my attention. Maybe I was turned on by it, maybe I even still am. Maybe it's a kink of mine, maybe you really do know me as well as you think you do, but that still doesn't make what you did okay.

You: These are things I can never explore in a healthy way again because of the trauma you've given me. I can't trust men anymore. I've never been able to have normal sex and I've even lost a really good boyfriend because of it. I'm just too afraid of what they'll do to me. My only experience was you and it's probably the only experience I'll ever have and that fucking hurts to think about.

blocked_user: You're realizing it now.

You: Realizing what?

blocked_user: That you're just rape meat.

You: Why are you like this?

blocked_user: I'm all you'll ever get. Because it's all you'll ever want.

You: You're fucking terrible.

blocked_user: You need relief. You can use the rape excuse all you want. I'll be right over~

You: What? No, don't you dare!

You: You're not serious, right?

You: Please, just leave me alone.

You: Don't do this.

4:02 AM

You: You're not going to come to my place, are you?

You: Listen, for the love of God, just don't ever talk to me again.

You: If there's something you want from me, I'll do it. I'll send you money to help you get back on track after prison or whatever. Don't do this to me.

You: I'll call you daddy, I'll send you nudes, whatever you want, but I never want to see you again. Please don't come here.

10:00 AM

blocked_user: How adorable my babygirl is. You actually thought I'd come over when I don't even know your address anymore.

blocked_user: You're really searching for excuses now. Even offered to send me nudes I never even asked for.

blocked_user: You pretend to be scared but you were actually wet as hell aren't you? You've been fantasizing about me all night. I bet you got yourself all dolled up, too.

blocked_user: You couldn't get any sleep at all last night, expecting me to break through that door and take you any second.

You: I hate this so much...

blocked_user: You know, it wouldn't be hard to find your address, actually.

blocked_user: Did you know that your voters' registry is publicly available? I can find your address just by googling your name.

You: You don't think I fucking know that!?

blocked_user: You know you can have it removed on request? But you're not going to, are you?

You: ...

blocked_user: I could manage another sentence, you know.

blocked_user: I could do it.

blocked_user: But I think it would just be so much fun to get you to admit that you want it this time.

blocked_user: Tell me you want it and I'll be right over.

You: I don't want it.

blocked_user: You don't want to want it.

You: I DON'T want it.

blocked_user: Haha, okay babygirl. But just know that any second of any day I could barge right into that front door of yours and take that cute, squirming body all over again. I'll make you scream my name and I know you won't press charges again unless somebody finds out. But you'll make it a point to keep it secret, won't you?

blocked_user: Because you're a good girl.

blocked_user: Just like how you haven't shown these messages to anyone but yourself, right?

You: Nobody's seen them...

blocked_user: Good girl.

6:43 PM

You: Okay, just one time. And we never mention this again.

blocked_user: One time for what?

You: You know.

blocked_user: I don't.

You: Don't pull that shit.

blocked_user: I want you to say it.

You: Whatever.

7:02 PM

You: I want you to fuck me. Are you happy?

blocked_user: Drop the attitude.

You: ...

blocked_user: Drop it or I won't do anything.

You: I want you to fuck me.

blocked_user: haha, you could be a little nicer with that.

You: Shut the hell up.

blocked_user: I know that's not how you'll be talking to me when I'm there.

You: I don't care.

8:04 PM

blocked_user: Why don't you come outside and see my surprise for you, babygirl?

image credit: トミヤ (Tomiya; Pixiv)

Every time I re-read the chat log, it just drains me. It makes my blood boil. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to cry, it makes me feel so ashamed... I'm so pissed at him, but I'm even more pissed at myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing he said was false no matter how much I wanted to deny it. I'm livid that he knows me so much. But I'm even angrier that I gave in. I never should've. But he knows my addictions, he knows everything about me. Honestly, he could ruin me so much more than he already has. I'm honestly terrified he'll turn around and blackmail me or something, but I don't think he would... because even though he raped me, I still feel like I know him enough to know the things he wouldn't do. In some twisted way, he thinks he was justified in what he did and it's against his moral boundaries to go further now that I've blocked him.

But even blocking him, I hate myself for. Because in some twisted warped logic, I felt that leaving him unblocked meant I was the only one who had to deal with him. Even though that doesn't make any sense, he just as easily could've been sending the same messages to so many other girls tormenting them in the same way as me, but... I just have the feeling he was fixated on me. I'm terrified that he'll just move on to some other girl now... If he hurts another girl the way he hurt me, I don't know if I could live with myself... Even if he got into a normal, healthy relationship with another girl I still don't know if I could stomach it. I hate the fact that he destroyed so much about me and is just off casually living his own life after having conquered mine. I absolutely hate that he's all I've ever been able to think about, even when dating other guys myself. I hate that I've gotten addicted to this sort of thing, I hate that I've started seeking it out, I absolutely hate that this addiction runs so deep in me that I literally couldn't say no even if I knew it would be a bad idea.

I can't go to anyone for help with this, this time he even had consent. He's already done time for the last time. He may be a registered sex offender now, but that's hardly a fair exchange for having trampled all over my life and shoving me down a hill on a dangerous path that I can't escape from... my pictures are already out there, I can never get them back. So many men, just like him, want to tear me apart... why am I like this? Why do I want to dig this hole deeper? Why does it turn me on? It's fucking destroying me! Our relationship was a totally normal one. We explored fairly heavy kinks and had a lot of sex, sure, but something changed. I'd sit in his lap while we played video games together, we'd watch videos together, we'd go on dates, we'd make out in the movies... all that stupid teenager stuff. Where did things go wrong? When did he decide he no longer needed consent? Where did I fuck up? What could I have done differently? I can't do any of that stuff anymore without remembering him... that night where he took everything from me and changed my life forever...

I don't want it... I didn't want it... I never wanted it... I still don't...

So why?

Why... do I feel like I do?