Where I've Been, Where I'll Be

[Aura]

Religion has always been a difficult subject for me. I've always looked at the state the world is in and said to myself that there couldn't possibly be a god that is omniscient, omnipotent, AND omnibenevolent. The lives the religious are expected to live always seemed painfully oppressive. I've always thought to myself that, if God really loved us and wanted us all in heaven, why would he give us free will to begin with? 

Life is a story of personal philosophy. You set your goals and achieve them one after another. Eventually, you run out of time and you can't meet those goals anymore. It's your philosophy, your beliefs in life, that dictates what you prioritized and where your story took you. Currently, I'm uncertain where my personal philosophy is going to take me, but things have definitely shifted, and one way or another, there are going to be drastic changes in the way I live my life going forward.

I recently made this status and got a lot of love and support from a lot of fantastic friends. But I don't think many of you realize just how serious this is, and probably for good reason. I didn't want to explain in detail because I didn't want to start a whole bunch of drama, but the truth is this simply is a dramatic and scary time of my life where I'm questioning the reason I was ever put on this earth. I think I owe all of you an explanation.

Monday, April 16th, a friend of mine passed away in a wreck. The next morning, I found out when I saw my best friend, his girlfriend, update her profile picture on Facebook in memoriam. That day, I spent the entire day trying to console two families and it was heartbreaking, to say the least, but I also found it to be enlightening, powerful. The reason I opened up with that statement about religion is that religion is a very prominent force in this story. Everyone was pulled so tightly together by their faith, and everyone supported each other. Even I was affected by it in so many mysterious ways. I stopped by the flower shop on my way to my best friend's house and just asked the cashier for something small. She offered me the cheapest bundle of flowers they had and I accepted them without much thought. When I got to her house, she told me they were his favorite color, purple. After talking to the family of my friend who passed away, I was heartbroken and realized just how badly a parent can be affected by this. By the time I got home, it was two in the morning, but I didn't care. I ran straight into my parents' room, hugged them, cried, and told them from the bottom of my heart how much I loved and appreciated them. I had never realized until now just what my mom meant when she told me that any time she hears an ambulance go by, she worries about me. 

The next day was when things hit my best friend the hardest. She had gotten past the initial shock and had suddenly come to realize what was missing. She was a wreck, so I dropped everything to come visit her. This was a Wednesday, so she had church that night. Having never been much of a religious person before, I had never set foot in her church, but I went with her that night.

Now, this isn't a typical church. This was a non-denominational church and it was unlike anything I had ever seen. It was strange, almost otherworldly, some might even describe it as cult-like. But one thing was for certain: the love in the air was undeniable. I had never seen such powerful support for someone in need. Within minutes of worship, watching my best friend crumple to her knees and listening to that powerful music, I was already crying uncontrollably. It wasn't just sorrow and despair. They were also tears of joy and love. Everyone huddled around the mourning families, prayed for them, sang for them, never in my life had I witnessed such an immense example of love between people who might not have even known each other. There was a man who put his hand on the stepfather of the friend who passed away and, in tears while sobbing, prayed for him in Spanish. I didn't know this man in the slightest, but I put my arm around him and hugged him. I didn't feel awkward or hesitant in the slightest. I may not seem like it on here, but in real life, I usually get very anxious when it comes to things like this. Anyway, since I had never been to the church, I mostly just followed my friend around to make sure she was okay. She went to the youth group and made the announcement to them along with a powerful speech that came straight from her heart. I have never been more proud of this girl in my life. 

After that night, things started to slow down and I gave her some time to herself. She'd been recovering pretty well and the time I've spent with her has been nothing but pleasant and welcoming. At this point, I truly feel like a part of her family. But this is where things start to get complicated when it comes to my future. The truth is, I've had undeniable feelings for this girl for years now. I've told myself I was over it, but I always knew inside my heart that was a lie to make me feel better about supporting her relationship. It was a beautiful one and I don't believe I would ever be able to give her the same level of love and happiness that he did. Part of the tragedy of this whole story was that the two were planning to get married this year. They had been together since 2014 and their love had never faded even slightly.

I've sworn that I wouldn't take advantage of this tragedy for my own selfish desires, but I also know that my feelings cannot be denied. I love this girl. She means more to me than almost anything else in my life for so many more reasons than I can list right now. I'm currently planning on asking her after she's recovered and back on her feet. Probably a day or so after she's started driving again (her parents currently aren't letting her drive anywhere on her own due to her mental instability). But what's important to note is that, if I do end up dating her, that will mean also submitting myself to God. No, I technically don't have to, but it would just be wrong of me to steer her away from God after she and her boyfriend built up so much around Him and not committing myself might only lead to temptation for her. 

Needless to say, if I do end up dating her, I might have to make a lot of sacrifices, including my prominence on sites like this one. I can't say for certain what is and isn't okay and I'm not going to listen to anyone else try to tell me. I will read the bible myself and pray for its meaning to be revealed to me by God alone. I think it's something that even a lot of religious people these days haven't done. I'm honestly afraid of what I'll find within the pages of that book, but I do believe it will better my life, even if I do have to drop so many things that I love. Maybe God will reveal that I don't actually have to drop as many things as I think. Only time will tell. 

Anyway, I hope this post wasn't too much of a bummer for any of you. I'm just trying to explore a new avenue I've never gone down and hoping for the best. I'm sure some of you have difficulty accepting religion and might even see this as a betrayal. I hope you can understand the sheer love and power I've felt recently that have convinced me that the bible isn't about hatred and discrimination like so many are led to believe. There are people out there with toxic mindsets, of course, but there are also just as many people who will accept you for who you are. I believe that anyone can go to heaven so long as they allow God in their hearts and listen to his words. 

I'm not saying goodbye just yet, but it may come to a point where I will have to. I love all of you and appreciate all of the support I've been given! I wish the best for this site as well!

[Sunstone]

First and foremost, I offer my condolences to the tragic loss of your friend's partner, and I am deeply sorry for what you, and the families of everyone affected by this passing, are going through... I am serious and I cannot stress it enough; witnessing somebody else's death is horrible, moreso when said person who has died is someone who was close to you. Despite how traumatizing, distressing, and life-changing the sudden and unexpected death of another can be, I do want you to know a few things:

That you are incredibly thoughtful to commiserate those two families, as you said you did. You gave them a shoulder to lean on, and offered to give moral support even when you needed it as well. That, in itself, shows just how powerful love, be it loving others, or even loving yourself, can be. Give yourself a pat on the back for being there for others, because you proved to them just how much, on an emotional level, you truly do care for them.

It is absolutely okay for you to feel heartbroken at this time. It is also okay to feel nothing when someone dies too... sometimes the shock and emotional... "numbness", of something like this can have such a drastic effect on someone that they can absolutely feel this way (or for the purpose of what I am trying to explain, not feel anything at all). It's tricky to explain, but, bottom-line is; don't feel bad for the way you are feeling. Lots of people feel confused and a rush of all kind of different emotions when someone else passes away. As far as I'm concerned, it is very natural to feel confused, or lost, in the aftermath of something like this.

1 hour ago, Aurafox1 said:

I've sworn that I wouldn't take advantage of this tragedy for my own selfish desires, but I also know that my feelings cannot be denied. I love this girl. She means more to me than almost anything else in my life for so many more reasons than I can list right now. I'm currently planning on asking her after she's recovered and back on her feet. Probably a day or so after she's started driving again (her parents currently aren't letting her drive anywhere on her own due to her mental instability). But what's important to note is that, if I do end up dating her, that will mean also submitting myself to God. No, I technically don't have to, but it would just be wrong of me to steer her away from God after she and her boyfriend built up so much around Him and not committing myself might only lead to temptation for her. 

Regarding this... and just my personal thoughts on the matter; yes, I would wait a while before making any moves. I would also exercise caution, for if on the occasion that you ever did ask her out, or want to take things further with her. She might not ever be able to overcome the loss of her boyfriend, and, even if you two did decide to date, the looming thought of her having never had the chance to be with her boyfriend who died could make the relationship...difficult, in some ways. Of course, I'm not trying to stop you from offering to show your love for her, I'm just saying that it is something that you should keep in mind if you decide to date her.

 

1 hour ago, Aurafox1 said:

I'm sure some of you have difficulty accepting religion and might even see this as a betrayal. I hope you can understand the sheer love and power I've felt recently that have convinced me that the bible isn't about hatred and discrimination like so many are led to believe.

I would never see this as an act of betrayal. Real life matters always come first. Always. There's no shame in having to distance yourself from online communities, and, you are always welcome to return any time you please.

...

I don't think I have much more to say on this, but, I hope you feel better man. Life is a mixed bag of good and bad things; crazy things too. Try to cherish all of the good moments; because as scary and existential as it sounds, you never know when your time is up. It probably sounds cliché and has probably been said a million times over, but, Live your life to the fullest. Make your dreams come true. 

I offer my best wishes to you and everyone who is going through pain because of the loss of life. If you'd ever like to chat to me, shoot me an EcchiText any time, and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can. Take care Aura...stay strong. 

[NickWantsToRP]

As pathetically inadequate as my words seem, I wish you and the families affected all of my condolences and the best of luck going forward. As much as I am not a religious person, your story clearly demonstrates the beautiful side of religion that gets swept under the rug.

I'm sure you know this already, but give her time to heal. She needs to mourn and come to terms with the loss of her boyfriend before she can love again. Wait until she stops looking for him, and starts looking for love. No matter what, no one will ever be able to replace him, and she needs to accept this. Nothing would hurt more than being a "replacement". If she does love you, she'll love you for your kindness, your selflessness, your thoughtfulness, for being there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on, for putting her before your own needs, for putting her feelings before your own desires, for who you are, not who he was.

I wish you all the best. Do what you feel you must. We will all be behind you. Always.

Edited April 25, 2018 by NickWantsToRP

[Aura]

I really appreciate the love and support, guys.

I just want to say that I know to give her time to heal. That's why I swore not to take advantage of his tragedy and why I said I would wait until a day or so after she starts driving again, I think that will be a good indicator of her mental health returning. And @Sunstone you're right, she may never recover from this. You never get over death, especially of someone so close. My intentions are not to replace the one she lost, but to make her life easier along the way. My mission is to make sure she reaches heaven so she can spend eternity with her dearly departed. I already know those two are the epitome of love and I could never even dare to compete with what they shared. They've basically taught me everything I know about respecting others. I'm doing this because I just have this feeling that this is what God wants from me.

And God might be testing me still. Maybe this girl will date another man once again and I'll have to support her as only a friend. I think that's fine, so long as that man doesn't mistreat her, but there are some disgusting people out there who know exactly how to manipulate a woman to get what they want and I refuse to let anyone like that touch her. That's part of why I'm planning this so soon. I would like to have faith in humanity, but one man already tried to hit on her the day after so I have to be careful about how long I take. Not everyone is going to be so obvious about their intentions. It's a delicate balance that I can only hope I don't screw up.