A personal story, which needs to be told

[maid lover]

People of Ecchidreams, I have a secret I want to tell all of you, something important happened in my life not too long ago, and I want to tell people about it, even if it might make me look like a douchebag. But PLEASE, before you jump to conclusions, read the full story, otherwise stop looking at this post right now and go on with your day, I will try my best to be as humble and objective possible, leaving any kind of personal judgment aside and just focussing on the fact. If you think, after having read all of this, that I'm nothing short of an asshole, then you are very free to write such a thing under the comments.

I apologize for writing a long essay, but I genuinely feel like there are a lot of things that need to be addressed, because I want to tell the full version of the story.

So, as some of you may know, I had some terrible and incredibly fucked up experiences with people of the opposite sex, which really scarred me, creating psychological block that I'm still going through, and trying to overcome.

I'm talking about bullying, those looks of shame and disgust, and being used as a disposable tool to feel prettier, and/or making someone else jealous. To make it short, I'm scared of girls, especially if they look pretty: I got my heart broken, I've been humiliated and been told I'm less than a man a shit ton of times, to the point where I started believing that it was true.
I have a lot of stories regarding this, and I've really been through a lot, I even had a stalker at some point.

This is actually the reason why, even when it comes to roleplay, I genuinely struggle at finding a suitable partner.
Because some of this experiences include some deranged individuals who deliberately took the thing way too far, to the point where it felt uncomfortable, and quite frankly wrong even reaching a point where they actively wanted to control my daily life, meaning giving me order or tasks that I had to perform for them. I'm of course not talking about shit like "blue whale challenge" or things like that, but still, shit got crazy real quick, and it took me a long while to cut them off my life, and I still haven't completely gotten over this.

 

But enough backstories... this is what happened to me some weeks ago.

I went to Zurich, to frequent a German language course, which I needed for university. I'm not going to tell you how anxious I was about this whole thing and how badly I didn't want to go there, but ended up going anyway, since I knew, I would have most certainly needed that.

After a stressful day, I finally attended class and well... I saw a cute girl giving me a look I've never, ever seen before in my life, and well, of course, I immediately panicked. What else did you expect?
I tried my best to keep my guard up, trying to avoid being seduced or anything close to that, but she didn't flinch, not even for a second. Her eyes kept looking at me over and over with a look I couldn't decipher, and I genuinely could not understand what the hell was going on, since as I've said before, I've cut ties with people of the opposite sex, which were attractive for quite a while, because I absolutely didn't want to get involved in that sort of things ever again, fearing I could get badly hurt once again.
But this girl just wouldn't stop looking at me every single second of the lesson.

At that point I started feeling so uncofortable, that I decided to pretend she didn't exist, and I focussed solely on the lesson, ignoring my classmates entirely; so I started talking only to my teacher, which was actually helpful to learn the language better and faster. After some minutes I completely forgot about her, until the teacher put us in small groups to make some excercises, and of course, I was with her.

I was literally going crazy, and couldn't endure the tension anymore, so I did something I never managed to do before, which was... just letting it go. So I tried my best to bring out all of my confidence and said: "Hi, I'm ... and your name is?". And Just like that, somehow, I was able to start a conversation with her, and things were pretty smoothly. We did everyrhing we had to do, and things were alright. After lesson she kept looking for me and we talked for a while about nothing incredibly important, and for some reason, I dumbly asked for her number, in the dumbest way possible, such as: "Ssooo, umm... so see you tomorrow, I think that now I should ask you for your number, I guess?". Why? Why did I say it like this? it was so genuinely stupid and cringe of me, and on top of that, why was I hitting on her? Wasn't I supposed to push her back as always? But things were moving fast, and before I could understand what was going on I just got her phone number before I could say anything.

So, after all that, and wondering what the hell was going on, and how I did that, I went to sleep, quite confused and anxious, since I've never had a happy story in my life when it came to romance.
Things moved very fast with her, before I knew it we were spending lots of time togheter, but she was not invasive at the same time, leaving me some space and time for myself, and she also worried about me, and took care of me, something that nobody has ever done to me before.
Eventually after spending some time with her, I caught some feelings, which weren't obviously that strong, but they were feelings nonetheless.

Then, one evening, she skipped her dinnerentirely, and I brought some cookies to her room, just to make sure she would eat something.
I had a period in my life where I simply didn't touch food for days, at all. I was depressed and spent days crying, feeling empty inside, and quite frankly, food was the least of my concerns.
This went on for something like a week, in which I just skipped all of my meals, eating some sweets every now and then, but at the end of the week, I was so hungry that I felt like fainting whenever I would try to stand, so I got my shit together and fixed myself. But I completely understand what it means to skip meals, and it's something nobody should ever do, which is why I was so genuinely worried about her.

So after bringing her some food, she asked for me to stay. In her room. Quite frankly, I wanted to avoid that, because well, I was terrified. But then again, my instincts took over my brain and ended up saying yes. So just like that, we were sat on two different beds, and after a while, she came to me and started snuggling up to me. My heart was racing, because once again, I happen to be terrified of women that attract me, so I was honestly unbearably tense and nervous. But then, out of nowhere, she started giving me some soft and generous headpats, which happen to be my biggest weakness.
For those of you who don't know, some pats on the head could get you anything you could ever want from me. I love them, they make me relax and vanquish my stress, but at the same time, they are one of my biggest turn ons. So after a pat and another, she was looking down on me while I had a more than ecstatic look on the face. After some time, my body moved on my own and I tried to kiss her, but she pulled back with a shocked look on the face.

I was honestly devastated, because this thing had already happened to me, twice, to be exact. So I apologized and act like nothing happened, and after a while, picked up my things and left.
Fast foward a day. We were having dinner together, and she was leaving the following day. Quite frankly I was a bit sad, but wanted to leave a good impression of me until the very end, because I always try to treat people I care about the best way I can. So I payed for the dinner, and we left. I wasn't sure what to do, say or think because of what happened the previous day, but she seemed to be weirdly cheerful and clingy. When we got back to the hotel-school, she invited me in her room, and I was really hesitant, but she seemed like she really cared about it so I wanted to make her happy, and accepted.

Nothing was happening and we were on her bed, but I couldn't keep eye contact at all, I was way too uncomfortable. I told her I was sorry for the day before and I apologized once again, and then I stopped talking and desperately wanted to leave; I didn't belong there, I was stressed and quite frankly terrified, I just wanted to get out of that damn room, I hated that situation. But then she started getting a bit physical, touching me and cuddling me, and then patting me continuosly, until I was at my limit. While I was thinking about getting the hell out of there she started covering me in compliments over and over again, while I started getting seriously embarassed and flustered. I felt dizzy because she was hitting every single one of my right spots, since I am quite the attention whore, and LOVE being spoiled just like she was doing, and after some time my brain was just wasted, and I could not think straight anymore. I told her that I never did anything at all with a girl, and that I really wanted to kiss her, but didn't know how she felt about that. And just like that, before I could finish my sentence she just made her move on me, but I immediately panicked, and started hyperventilating. I was not having a good time, but she was so incredibly comprehensive and supportive with me, helping me calming me down until everything was okay.

Honestly, at that point my mind was just a mess of emotions and I couldn't understand what was going on, but I was very happy about it. So that was the story behind my first kiss. I guess I was a very late bloomer, but it happened at some point, and honestly, waiting for someone like her was hell, but I'm glad I did, because she was such a good fit for me, since she instinctively knew how to handle me with utmost care and perfection.

 

What happened after that? Well... I guess I can reveal something. 

Neither of us, at any point, removed a piece of clothing, and we didn't do anything besides kissing. That being said, after she had been tutoring me for a few minutes, she told me I was getting better, until she seriously started getting into it, and began to scratch my neck. I never reveal this side of me because it's always misunderstood, but I'm quite the masochist, or well, more like, soft masochist. So at that point, no matter how badly I tried to resist, my moans were pretty much forced out of me, and while I wasn't the only one doing such sounds, mine were definetly wilder, since she seemed to know exactly where to touch me. After a while I confessed on my little secret, and she started getting rougher with me, getting on top of me and pinning me down as I begged her to go rougher on me. I've never, ever felt something as pleasurable in my life and was absolutely delighted, and she seemed to enjoy that side of me quite a lot. 

But... since I believe in the law of equivalent exchange (Fullmetal alchemist gang rise up!) I decided to turn the tables on her, and well, I'm almost certain that she really appreciated that, although probably, not as much as I did.

Overall, I can finally confirm that I am indeed a switch, since I LOVE whenever a girl takes the lead and gets a bit rough, but then... I love to take a little bit of revenge once I'm satisfied.

I'm really thankful to this person because she was really comprehensive and understanding, and helped me to eliminate a part of a huge psychological wall of mine, which however, is still there, and it's not completely gone. But really, she treated me so well and made me feel special and desired, something I haven't felt like for quite a long while. I wouldn't say that I'm a new person now, but well... that was indeed something that changed me, or even better, re-defined me.

That being said, I don't have strong feelings for her, and I guess they will fade away over time, BUT, she happen to live kind of close to me, so we may encounter again. The problem is, an outside source told me that she has a boyfriend, but I have no idea if it's true or not, because the girl in question denied that, after I explicitely asked, more than once.

So right now, I don't know what to do. My gut feeling tells me to well... do that... because I have a feeling that it would be a very fun experience to try with her, seeing how we clicked so well togheter on a physical level, but at the same time, the whole situation is kind of weird.

 

There is actually a sequel to this story, which takes place in the same aforementioned holiday. But that will be for another time.

Anyway, I would be glad to hear opinions about this, specifically on what should I do now. I'm quite puzzled at the moment, so any help will do