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[Pixel]

Note: This is not a post for attention, sympathy or anything of the sort. This is a story about the attempts to overcome trauma and encourage working for personal growth, which I may or may not treat as a sort of journal as time goes on. Also note, I'm open to DMs and I can be found in the ecchidreams discord. I won't try to be your therapist, but I am open to anyone who may be struggling. I will listen.

Entry 1: Wounds, Old and New...

The past few months have been... Challenging. 

It started with the reopening of an old wound, one that has done lasting damage to me and has gotten in the way of many things. This is something that I will be returning to later in the post, as it will be the bulk of this story. I thought that the reopening of that old wound was unnecessary at first, but now I see how necessary it really was.

After that old wound was opened, I started to wake up with anxiety in the middle of the night, here and there. The person who caused most the trauma I suffer from is notorious for making rash decisions, leaping before looking, one might say, and that trigger from the past being brought back to the front of my mind made me begin to spiral. To imagine only worst case scenarios, which I knew were outlandish, but it didn't matter to my brain. Every worst possible outcome that could occur in the future, it played, over and over. It started to affect my work. It started to affect my life. I stopped doing much of anything and sort of just stayed in my room all day. I stopped using ED as much. 

But, one day, I met someone here. Someone who, at first I didn't think much of, just a new user that I welcomed and offered to help her learn to role play. But then, we started talking. If anyone I've ever interacted with here reads this, you know that my interactions with most people here are very minimal, both in and out of role play (which I'm terribly sorry about ), and are almost never personal, while I may be more friendly towards some of you than I am with others. The more we talked, and got to know each other, the more I saw we had in common. It was a scary amount, honestly, at some points it was like looking in a mirror.

Things we're going great. We moved conversation to discord. We grew closer. Intimate, even. We could talk and laugh about anything and my days were made that much better interacting with her. I even started to think about what I was going to buy her and her daughter for Christmas... Then, things took a turn for the worst.

She started going through problems. I started going through problems. I wanted to help her through her issues, but she was silent. Stress was building up on me. People we're coming at me with feelings that I was not ready for and didn't know how to handle. Work was getting intense, mostly due to an oncoming hurricane that was assured to devastate areas that were close to sea level, which I was, yet there were people here I couldn't leave in order to evacuate, so I stayed and had to think about what the actual fuck I was going to do if it became too late and I had to hunker down here. On top of that, my kid's mother (who I will get back to. Again, meat of the story) was freaking out even though she and, because he was with her much further inland, the boy, were both safe. She was panic purchasing, sending me message after  message about what to do and started having my kid call me to tell me to leave when I told him that I was going to be fine and not to worry, but she was perpetuating worry for me in his head and it was causing me a great deal of stress.

And back to the person I met here. On top of all of this, she finally said something. Something that, in the moment, I found very upsetting because I took it as an implication that we were not as close as I believed. I have issues of my own that began to resurface, which only added to the stress I already had, and it overwhelmed me. I acted out. I said things that I did not mean, or really want to say but did anyways. I projected damage onto her that she had nothing to do with, and it was unfair of me, and childish, whether I felt like I could help it in the moment or not, whether that's who I am or not.

The bottom line was, I hurt her. I scared her. She left. It's been eating me alive ever since.

The storm passed and we were VERY fortunate here. Not too far south, they were not so fortunate and I pray that lives were not ruined as much as news footage made it seem, and that everyone was as safe as they could be. I returned to ED, as I had some replies I needed to get out, joined the discord as I didn't use it much before talking to the person I met and started using it more after I started talking to them and wanted to join for a stream that a user I happen to be fond of was doing. I've had a good time there, for the most part. 

And then, drama. I still don't know what it was, but what happened between me and that person followed me. For some reason, drama perpetuated. I thought it was funny, at first, because it was so unfounded and ridiculous, but then some demented freak decided they were going to take a situation that should have long since simmered and dial it up to 11, for absolutely no reason other than to stir the pot. Wild accusations were made of me, when nothing of them could have been further from the truth, context was removed from where it should have been and stuck wherever they needed it to fit their twisted narrative to make me look like some sort of corny daytime TV villain of the week. Other people were dragged into it that weren't guilty of a thing other than existing and interacting with me, and they were made uncomfortable. I considered leaving ED for a time, because I wasn't trying to cause problems, especially not for anyone else, but I felt that was unfair to me. I know what I did do, I know what I didn't do and I know what I'm both doing and not doing, so I stayed. But the things they said about how I made this person, who I cared so much for, feel, tore me in two. I doubt this person will ever speak to me again, but I hope some day they understand that I never meant for any of it, I don't know if things I said or did were misinterpreted, or what happened. I hope they understand some day that I'm sorry for everything and never wanted to hurt them.

A short time prior, I saw another user begin to act out, and I watched it very carefully. It was a bit of an eye opener for me. Everyone, EVERYONE was trying to talk this user down. And this user is not a bad guy at all, in fact he can be very sweet and I doubt anyone genuinely dislikes him, but I do get the feeling that he is lonely, that he may not have many people to talk to and that was the cause of this issue. Similar triggers to me. It was like watching the worst in myself come out in a parallel, the irrational thoughts, the feeling of worthlessness that I felt from the things he said felt all too familiar, and it made me think about how watching this made me feel, watching everyone try to help and watching their words bounce off of him like bullets off of Superman. This is when I first began to consider that it was time for therapy. This user is okay now and he is happy and excited for his upcoming future, and everyone is happy to see him succeed.

And then, my son was formally diagnosed with level 1 autism. We were already sure that he had at least ADHD or something similar, due to his inability to pay attention, missing social cues and having little respect for boundaries. It didn't come as a surprise. His mother's anxiety issues started to pop up and, as usual, she became argumentative about how we were going to go about it, about getting him the help that he needed. She ignored all of my concerns and gave me basically "This is what we're doing whether you like it or not", which made those worthless, ignored feelings begin to surface again. That's when I decided that enough was enough. Enrollment for benefits had begun at work that week, I looked into mental health services covered and I signed up for therapy that day. Within the next few hours I was in contact with a therapist and scheduled by first session. It was time to do everything I could to put an end to the torment that I've been putting myself through for over a decade.

I completed a few assessments and answered some questions about what brought me there so he knew what he was working with and our first session was all about something I never thought about before. My self esteem being very, very low. He knew right away that I was carrying misplace blame for things in the past, that I let guilt overcome me and I allowed myself to wholeheartedly believe that I was the one at fault for every single thing that ever went wrong in my adult life leading up to now. My distress tolerance is low (which is no surprise given recent issues), I have difficulty fighting back negative thoughts and I have even more difficulty with forgiveness, particularly in myself.

Just the first session challenged perspectives that I've held onto for a very long time and forced me to look at things from another angle. Through the week, I've been completing exercises and practicing skills for managing stress and anxiety. But the last one would be the most difficult for me. Forgiveness. 

I put a lot of thought into it. I stayed awake for a good amount of time a few nights, thinking about what forgiveness actually was. Was it something that I gave to another person, or was it something that I gave to myself? And then, my mind went back to it. That old wound that was reopened. This is not something that I talk about, basically ever.

I've always had a complicated relationship with my kid's mom. Well, not always. In the beginning, it was actually very simple. We met at work (she was my boss ), she'd transferred here from up north in Ohio, all the way across the country. This was during a time where I had a bit of a drinking problem due to deoression. She was looking to start a new life with her friend, who also needed to escape the toxicity of their home town and they decided that they would pick a random spot on a map one day and just go. And here, they ended up. Immediately, I was drawn to her. The way she carried herself, her smile, her dorky laugh, the way she played with her hair when she got nervous, her energy, her curiousity for every little thing that was new to her, her enthusiasm for her new environment. Through her eyes, my home seemed exciting again even to me, so I took the time to get to know her. We spent night after night, from sundown to sun up, talking. And talking. And learning. We would lay in the grass and look at the stars while talking about our hopes and dreams, we would listen to music in the car while talking about our deepest fears and our darkest secrets, our traumas. We would get lost in downtown areas of nearby cities while exploring new places for her, we would miss turns on the GPS and end up in random places but not care, because we were together. We started growing intimate, we started having sex. We started spending as much time together as we possibly could, just because we couldn't get enough of one another.

I was falling deeply, deeply in love.

But.

There was this guy. Someone she talked about often. He was what she described as a father figure, who had a family of his own, a wife and three daughters who she, judging by how she talked about them, loved very dearly and would often talk about how they were her found family, the family she always wanted but never really had with her own. I didn't think much of it. Jealousy is not in my nature, for one, but I also didn't mind her talking about people who made a big impact on her life. 

Her friend that she moved here with basically abandoned her here and she had to move out of where they were living. I couldn't let her be homeless and living in her car, so I offered to put her up until she could get on her feet again, or whatever she decided to do. We got along great. We were in love. I didn't think things would be too rocky.

That's when shit got weird.

One day I was working and she came into the store, it was her day off and she seemed very excited about something. She loved music, so I thought maybe an artist she liked was going to be in town maybe, at first. But then she told me, "Joe is in town!". The guy she would talk about. From Ohio. Who had a wife and three daughters and had absolutely no business being all the was across the country. But, again, at the time I didn't think much of it. She said that he came down to check on her and make sure she was okay and his oldest daughter, who was her age that she got along very well with (who I have absolutely nothing bad to say about, I always liked her. She is a delightful person and I can not blame her for her father), came with him. She said they wanted to meet on the beach that night, and she was so excited for the two most important men in her life to meet.

"Sure.", I said. With a smile. - deep breath -

The moment I meet this guy, I felt negative vibes. The way he looked at me. The way he talked to me with this dismissive tone. I thought at the time that he was just protective of her, being that she saw him as a father figure and she'd been through her own share of issues, so again, I didn't think much of it. But then, things started happening. He started to say things. He started to do things. He lied to his wife about where he was and who he was with, in front of me and my future kid's mom. He mentioned to her that he told her to move here for a reason, after she told me that her moving here was a completely random choice. He would say things to her when he was talking to her on the phone and he didn't think I could hear, weird, dramatic shit that people don't say in real life, like "It's you. It's always been you.", which he was on speaker for and she was noticably made uncomfortable by. He started to pick apart my flaws and she started to see them, they started to gang up on me about the dumbest shit, which I don't think she knew was malicious, but he definitely did, the way he would stare daggers at me from across the table while spitting venom.

Then, the bomb dropped. I live with my brother and she was living with us. Joe and his daughter were going to spend her day off with her and she left the door unlocked for them while she was showering and getting ready for the day. I get a text from her while I'm working that says that she's freaked out and needs to talk. I go into the back room and call her and she says, "Joe caught your brother spying on me in the shower.". This was impossible. Not only would my brother never do any sort of thing, but at this time it was close to noon, he left the house at 9:30 to be at work by 10. I told her to call his job and he would be there. But she insisted, "But he saw, he saw". My brother's room door was right beside the bathroom door, when the door is ajar and the front door opens, air pressure would sometimes cause it to move and I was trying to explain that that is what they probably saw, not someone hurrying into the room when they heard the front door open, which NO ONE would have that sort of reaction time for, by the way. She continued to insist and I got upset and wondered by no one could prove anyone was in the house, why was there no conversation? Were they suggesting that there was an invader in the house, but didn't call the cops? And that's when I heard his voice, because she was on speaker. "Why are you upset?", He asked, "Why aren't you worried about her?". I told him that I was upset because he was insulting my family and accusing the person who taught me everything I know about being a person, the only person in the world that I trust with absolutely no condition of spying on my girlfriend while she was in the shower when it wasn't even possible that he was home.

Later that day, I told her that she could do what she wanted, but I was done with this guy. I didn't want to be anywhere near him. But, it would have meant so much to her, and it would make her so happy if we could get along and all hang out together. So, because it would make her happy, and I cared more about her happiness than my own peace of mind...

"Sure.", I said. With a smile.

It only got worse. It became very clear to me that this guy was going everything be could to drive a wedge between she and I. Whatever it is that be wanted, I knew that he wanted me out of the way and out of the picture. I was an obstacle standing between him and her.

One night, the last straw.

Every year in a city Central Park near here for Christmas, they decorate the entire park in lights, they have carnival ride and games, specialty hot cocoa and treats and I wanted to take her to it, because she loves festivities like it, fireworks, lights, anything flashy and grand. But she cancelled, because Joe wanted to talk to her about something. No problem, I thought. We could go another night. And then I waited for her to get home. And I waited. And I waited. I eventually fell asleep until she came home at 3am in tears and I mean absolutely fucking bawling. She jumped onto the bed and threw her arms around me. Naturally, I'm freaking out and wondering what in the actual fuck happened. When she calmed down, she told me that he loaded her up with sob stories and pity parties (my words, not hers) and then confessed his love for her. 

But wait. There's more.

He made her choose between me and him. 

You can understand how that might upset me just a little bit. And that's when I said, fuck this, and I broke this situation down. He followed a 19 year old down here AFTER TELLING HER to move here. He got a place here to keep tabs on her. He lied to his wife about where he was IN FRONT of that 19 year old. He was manipulating her, he was creating distance between she and I and he was whispering every single flaw about me in her ear. He lied about my brother spying on her in the shower and then gaslit me when I was pissed at him for it. He said creepy fucking things to her when he didn't think anyone else was around to pray on her naivety and vulnerability. This dude was grooming her. She didn't believe me. She still wanted us to get along. I was just misunderstanding. I didn't know how they actually were. I was being dramatic. I was stuck in highschool and needed to grow up. I needed to have "a grown up conversation" with him. This was the beginning of my issues being ignored and unheard. So, because when I looked into her eyes and only wanted to see her happy again...

"Sure.", I said. With a smile.

So, we met up at my house. He and I took a walk around the neighborhood. This guy opened with "Sorry about how you feel.". He didn't say he was sorry that he did something to make me feel how I felt and express interest in coming to an understanding. He said "sorry about how you feel.". And for the next hour or so, he proceeded to unload a whole case of bullshit on me about how, while I grew up idolizing superheroes, he grew up idolizing knights. Codes of honor. Respect. The man who lied to his wife about chasing a 19 year old across the country. I spent the entire night angier than I'd ever been, or have been since. I was trembling and crying out of pure fury for this guy and his lies, his fucking smug face, his matter of fact tone. 

Still, she wanted us to hang out. We would do nothing but stare daggers at each other and go after one another in any game we played, as board and card games were a popular group activity for us. I couldn't handle it anymore and I was ready to leave her, I just didn't know how.

New year's eve, we found out she was pregnant, after medically (due to several conditions and botched surgeries that left the lining of her uterus completely mangled) she should not have been able to be pregnant. She was a sex addict. We were reckless. And now, I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know how to take care of myself, let alone a kid with someone that I no longer felt like I trusted. 

But, just like that, as soon as she got the news, Joe was all but gone from her life. His daughter remained, however, and wanted to check up on her and make sure everything was going well. The poor girl...

So, I did what I thought was right. I thought we could come back from this. It wasn't her fault, she had this guy in her head and he was playing her and I couldn't blame her for being a victim. But this was an unresolved issue that I NEEDED closure on. I tried to talk to her about it. I was dismissed. I was dramatic. I was stuck in highschool. She did not understand how harshly this whole thing affected me and how much I was hurting from it, and it seemed like she didn't care. The issues being ignored and unheard grew worse.

And that continued. Any issue I brought up to her, anything I tried to say that was bothering me. "You're not saying it to me right. Say it like this.", "You're being dramatic.", "Yeah, well YOU did THIS", "Grow up". Eventually, I just stopped. If there was something bothering me, I would shut down. I would go catatonic. And then, I was the one who was blamed for being bad at communication. I was blamed for the relationship going sour. I was told I was worthless. Useless. Disgusting. I felt like I wasn't even worth being alive at one point.  

After the kid was born that didn't stop. She grew more selfish. She would do things like leave him at home with me during a power outage in the summer while she went to a friend's house who had power so she could play videogames and have working AC until ours was back on. She would talk about going to the beach with her mom (who came to live with us for a time), the kid would get excited about it, and she would leave without him and I would sit there with him while he cried and stared out the window while the car left, and then when she got back she blamed me for not taking him myself when I expressed how badly that hurt him and how upset I was over it. Then I started to understand that she was a narcissist. She could never be wrong. She could never apologize. She always had to be validated and this reflected in her dating life after we split. All anyone had to do was stroke her ego. Validate her every feeling. Tell her she's right, and she was putty in their hands. She would bring hard drug abusers around and suggest I let them babysit our son while her apartment had empty open beer cans around it. She would jump from guy to guy and introduce people into my son's life that weren't around for more than a month at a time, who would fight with her in front of him and I don't even know what else.

Eventually things calmed down. The boy was getting older, he was starting school and his mom was a little more mellow. She hadn't changed in terms of her selfishness and I still couldn't talk to her about problems. She wanted to be heard, she didn't want to listen. And the rest is history.

And then, recently, she decided to video call me and tell me, "Remember Joe?", To which I responded, "The guy who was grooming you and ruined our relationship? Yeah I remember him.". I wish I didn't. She said, "Yeah... You were right about him.".  Of all of the things that I needed, that was not it. All those old feelings of worthlessness came rushing back to me, especially with how she presented it, like it wasn't even anything. When it was everything to me. When I'd waited for closure for years. I'd waited years for her to bring it up, and say that she's sorry. Not for being a victim, but for what she put me through and how she made me feel when I was only trying to protect her from someone who did NOT have the best of intentions like he claimed to have with her. She found out that he'd been molesting his daughter that he brought down here with him for I don't know how long and a case was opened against him for it. He also had recently repeatedly tried to contact her, which she'd tried to ignore. And after that, I started to spiral.

Fast forward again to last night. Therapy, even with just one session and some exercises, really got my mind working. Forgiveness, I thought hard about and I realized that what I needed more than anything was to forgive myself. To stop beating myself up, especially now that it was in the open that she knew she was wrong about all of it, the event that lead me to believe everything that ever went wrong was my fault, that lead me to have anxiety and abandonment issues over being ignored and unheard. I could never let it go, but then I understood, and I saw my opportunity, and I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I typed up a long letter to her, explaining that this was not a dialogue to open a discussion. It was not an attack. It was not something meant to bring her down. It wasn't about her, it was about me, how I felt and what I felt I needed to do in order to start having a healthy mind again. This was not an opportunity for her to defend herself or explain herself. I was going to say what I needed to say and that's all there was to it, I needed to finally have the strength to do it after she made me believe I could never talk about my feelings, and at first I didn't think I could, but the more I wrote the more confident I felt.

For all the lies, abuse, gaslighting, shit she told people about how I felt about things that weren't true (such as telling people I wanted her to get an abortion when no such thing ever left my lips), telling people I abandoned her when she was pregnant (which everyone knows isn't true. I've also been the full time parent for my son from the day he was born), the negligence, telling me that I'm worthless and making me believe it, telling me I'm useless and making me feel like a waste of breath, I forgave her. 

For anything and everything I ever did or said that made her feel unloved, unwanted or any less than how I saw her at our best, I apologized. 

I told her that even though she believed I do, I do not hate her. 

Of course, she responded. I was fully prepared for a fight, as her typical responses are deflection, dismissal and narrative spinning. But not this time.

She told me that she was moved. That she talked about this exact event herself in her own therapy sessions often, and admitted that she did and said a lot of fucked up things in the past, regretted not seeing me and how I felt and not knowing how to communicate with me when I needed it. That she wished she was mature enough to understand what I was doing was for her benefit, because I cared, but she couldn't see it because she was too wrapped up in her own feelings. She understood why to this day I don't talk to her when I'm in a bad mood when it took her a long time to realize it, through her own therapist's help. Why she didn't bring it up to me that way, I do not know. And still, through everything she said, she still did not say the words "I'm sorry". 

But, the response was a lot more mature and heartfelt than I ever would have expected from her, so I'm taking it. We've got talked about it. I finally have closure on something that has caused me lasting damage for so, SO long and affected other parts of my life in negative ways, ruined things for me because I've been unable to let it go and grow past it. 

I feel like a chain has been removed from my mind. I woke up this morning and my heart didn't feel heavy. I could feel it beating in my chest. I can look at this situation now and not feel pain over it, and instead look at it with understanding that both she and I have regrets and that she understands the damage that has been done to me. Finally, I can let it go and I can work on learning to forgive myself. 

This is just the time after the FIRST session of therapy... What's going to happen next week?

[Pixel]

Entry 2: Acceptance...

The weekend was... Very peaceful. The house was quiet and empty. I miss my boy every minute he isn't home, but I need this time to myself and I've so seldomly done anything for myself since he's been born. I was able to review exercises and skill training for therapy, but I'm a little stuck on a sort of meditation. "Finding your happy place", basically. I can visualize it, layout and all from memory. I know the sights, the sounds, the scent in the air, the feelings of surfaces, the taste of cheap pizza and root beer, the excitement in my veins, but I can't quite place myself in the memory. I'll have to keep practicing.

Pokémon, one of my life's greatest comforts since it hit the states in 1998, kept me company all weekend with the max raid events, which will in turn help prepare for the Ultimate Finale online competition. Competitive Pokémon is always something that occupies my mind when I need it. 

I haven't spoken to my kid's mother since I sent her the messages and she gave a response. I'm not sure what more to say to her, but I know I don't really have to say anything at all and we don't exactly keep the closest of contact if it doesn't involve our son. Still, I've read over what she had to say many times and I've had a few days to think it over. I'm still unsure why it is that she didn't come to me with an apology if that's how she felt, but at the same time, I needed to find the strength to face her after all these years and tell her what's on my mind unimpeded. Having her tell me that she has regrets, that she knows now that I was only trying to help her, that my feelings are valid, when this is someone who never admits their faults or mistakes, means a great deal to me and I've had a sense of peace since, and it's allowed me to focus on some other issues. 

A long time friend that I had to turn down the feelings of when the hurricane was on the way reached out to me this morning for the first time since, so I'm glad that I'm still on speaking terms with her. I hope that she wasn't too hurt, because she's a great friend and I don't want to lose that.

My mind feels more clear than it does fuzzy for the first time in many years. There's still issues, and I'm sure that these specific issues will rear their heads again at some point, but for now, I'll take what I've got and use this knowledge moving forward. 

I actually feel sort of happy with myself, and I'm not sure what else to do other than take the feeling and run with it.

[Pixel]

Entry 3: Defense Mechanisms

Therapy this week was, I feel, productive. We really got into the meat of my issues, where I feel they started, why I feel they started and my history with a few things, which my therapist admitted was a lot for him to process and he would have to go over everything and think of a plan for me moving forward, along with a few mindfulness exercises and a chart to keep track of my mood/anxiety through the next seven days, to cut off any potential new issues if at all possible in case there's more going on than the feelings I've had since that old wound was reopened.

I feel better about that. I also feel better about my recent heartbreak, given new information about things.

Such as how, due to how I've been treated in the past, triggers a defense mechanism in me to try to prevent myself from being hurt by taking control of the situation in any way that I can. And it made perfect sense to me, honestly, my brain going into a fight or flight mode and choosing to fight tooth and nail to prevent furthering the damages that I've already sustained. But that's what the mindfulness exercises are for. I feel ignored, unheard, neglected and my brain immediately responds with "absolutely fucking not", and I need to reprogram it not to respond that way, and be mindful that not every person is THAT person and not every person is trying to do what that person did. Even though in the back of my mind, I know it. But in the moment, it doesn't matter to my brain. It just... Goes. 

Letting go of blame that I put on myself is going to be the next thing I have to work on. Even though I know that I'm not at fault for many things, I still hold onto blame that is placed in me, and I've never understood why other than being convinced that I'm the problem in situations where I most certainly am not, and I know I'm not. It's guilt that I've manufactured and produced in my own mind that has been rotting my headspace and self esteem for a very long time. 

This is working. I'm going to continue. 

[Pixel]

Entry 4: Memories of memories

I found myself thinking about her this morning.

Really thinking about her, for the first time in many years, and I don't know why.

By her, I mean my first love. Someone that I knew from childhood that I fought tooth and nail for for years. Someone that, by the end of our time together, was almost a completely different person from who I always thought I knew, who ultimately left me in shambles when I was entering the darkest period of my life. 

Elle.

Our history is far too long to explain in full, but I knew her from a very young age, probably sixth grade. She was a quiet girl. Shy, I thought at first, but then I saw how other people treated her for her size (she was VERY small for her age), for her looks, for the way she dressed and how her hair was naturally just messy and not straight and perfect, her alabaster complexion in a "beach bum" environment where having sun kissed skin was the thing. 

I thought she was perfect just as she was. I couldn't find a single flaw in her. She was nervous at first, but eventually she warmed up to me the more we got to talking, after being seated together or paired together for assignments. Just when we were really starting to get along, her parents decided to move up north to Virginia. I didn't know until the day she told me, but she gave me her email address so we could keep some sort of contact. I remember watching her walk away with her head hanging a bit as she went to meet her parents for pickup after school that day. It didn't feel right somehow.

And contact, we did keep. Closer and closer contact by the week, by the year. We moved into AOL instant messenger (if you can remember that ). Then, we realized that we were in love and we promised to each other that we would be together again some day. Real teenage romantic bullshit, but we believed it. We felt it. 

And when we were of age, years later, we made good on it. I made the space for her and she came back to live with me. 

For a while, everything was absolutely perfect, it was just like we imagined. My sweet, beautiful, smart, poetic Elle, pressed together every night while she held my hand as though she would fall of the earth if she let go, our hands together everywhere we went, breakfast together in the mornings, walks together at night, taking care of each other when we were sick or sad...

And then, things weren't so perfect. Elle was abused by her very Mormon parents her whole life, both physically and mentally. She never said anything because her father was a lawyer and didn't think she would ever get anywhere with it, so she stayed silent. She had damage, but parts of her began to surface that there were never even any signs of in the very long time that I knew her.

She became obsessive, watching my every move, going through my phone when I wasn't looking, accusing me of cheating if I was out of the house for even a short time longer than expected (so many times) to the point she started working where I was working and would only work the same shifts with me, and would otherwise sort of loiter around the plaza when I worked while she was off to keep an eye on me. She became hateful of everyone, rude even, when she was always so sweet and gentle. She encouraged that hate in me as well, she started to show hints of racism in things she would say and how she would behave around certain people, she started to act like she was superior both morally and intellectually to everyone around her, including me. In short - she was beginning to act like her parents. 

I would lay in our room while she played the same videogame over, and over, and over, and wait for her to be done with it every day so I could have time with her, but it got to the point where she only wanted my attention when she felt my attention was being given elsewhere. 

When my mom died, when I needed Elle the most, she left. She went back to Virginia to live with her abusive parents, and to this day, I'm not sure why, or where things went wrong.

It was months of heartache, close to a year I think, before one day I woke up and thought about her and noticed that the pain wasn't there anymore. I still thought about her, but it didn't hurt.

Over time, I found myself thinking about her less and less to the point I only thought about her when I was reminded by something. Games she played, movies we liked, places we liked to eat, etc. Fast forward to today, I don't know why, but this morning she was the first thing on my mind and wouldn't leave. Maybe it's because I've been taking so much time and effort into clearing my head of issues from the last, letting things go, and maybe it's just her turn, even though I feel like I let her go a long time ago.

Even so, here I sit, outside, my feet in my pool, watching the reflection of the rising morning sun against the water, sipping my hot coffee. It's quiet. My son isn't awake yet, and I can reflect. 

Even with all the pain I endured, all I can think about is the good times. Her stormy blue eyes looking up at me, her perfect pink lips parted as she held her arms tight around my neck while we were connected. The feeling of her flawless, soft, pale skin that she took very good care of while my hand would stroke her side at night. The way she would sing, or hum so beautifully to me when I couldn't sleep or I was feeling sick. Her laugh. Her beautiful smile. The relaxed, blissful look on her face when I would wash her hair in the shower for her.  The way that she used to look at me, like I was the only thing that would ever mean anything to her ever again. The way she would sit in my lap on the step my feet now rest on in the pool as we talked about getting married. The way she loved music and would rent different instruments to learn them. Little drawings she would make on whatever scraps of paper she could find to make me laugh. The way she would squeal and pull herself into me when I would randomly twirl her. The way she would whisper "I love you", and not a single part of me had a doubt about it. Watching the joy on her face when she played with puppies at the pet store. Seeing her in the morning climb out of bed, her perfect bare ass exposed until she pulled the shirt she wore down to cover up (one of mine, usually. Huge on her lol). The way her favorite shirt was a Jack and Sally shirt that said "I dig scrawny pale guys", which was my description. The way we basically had our own language, just for one another and we would often speak in code, and perfectly understand each other. The look on her face when she had her first shot of tequila. Waking up in the morning to see he beside me, and her face light up now that I was awake with her...

I decided to check on her, which is usually a mistake, but I was curious and looked through Facebook for her.

She's as beautiful as I remember. She's married, she's been to different places around the world like she always dreamed of doing. She seems happy, and weirdly, that thought makes me happy. I hope that she's found peace with herself.

Now, I think about her and all I can do is smile.

I'm glad you're happy, Elle. 

I love you.

[Pixel]

Entry 5: Forgive and (Never) Forget

Forgiveness and apology are both subjects that have been weighing heavily on my mind the past few weeks. As my perspectives are challenged and I begin to look at things from new angles, and am asked the question "Why not?" in regards to things I've never asked myself, I've watched some conflicts unfold and asked myself, "Why?".

It took life finally bringing me to my knees and watching me finally be overrun by my demons for me to plead for it to stop. For no more. And finally seek answers.

We, as humans, are fuck ups by nature. Not a single one of us is infallible, even if we try to make ourselves out to be. We fake. We lie. We do what we can to fit in. We change our personalities to suit our surroundings.  And then we wonder why things go wrong when people don't like the person of our invention. 

We can be cruel. We can be confrontational. We can be territorial and lash out at others for the most meaningless things. We accuse. We deny. We do almost everything that we can to avoid the accountability of our own actions. We are quick to judge when situations are rarely black and white, we know the full truth is rarely ever told and there are two sides to every coin. We do it anyways.

We a carry damage, some more than others. We all carry pain. We all carry memories that come back when backed into a corner and we fight for control of situations that we shouldn't really be fighting for, so we can feel some sense of grounding, so we can feel like we're in control of something.

The hardest thing for some one to do is to apologize, to admit their faults and mistakes to the people they wronged and swallow their pride to trying reconcile. Some people will never do it. Some people don't mean it.

And that brings me back to forgiveness. Being the person who was wronged. I was always taught growing up to "forgive and forget", and I always wondered why I couldn't forget. I always thought forgiving someone was letting bygones be bygones and acting like nothing ever happened. And I've never been able to do that, and I always thought I was wrong for it.

I'm not.

Forgiving and forgetting are separate concepts. Forgiveness is something you give to yourself more than anyone else, as a sort of promise to let go of those feelings for your own peace of mind, the apology is for the peace of mind of the offender. Whether or not they mean it is their problem. Some people would rather run from their issues and ignore them instead of trying to make things better. Some double down on their perspectives and dig their hole deeper.

I personally have trust issues. I have difficulty letting people in. The few people that I do, I hold very close, I will hold onto them for dear life, protect them, be there for them and support them always. But when someone breaks my trust, I've learned how to forgive, but I make it clear that I will most likely never trust them again. And I was recently asked by my therapist, "why not?". 

"Why not?". It's been swimming in my brain ever since. I'm putting effort in to make changes, atone for my own sins and find peace with myself. If I can change, why can't anyone else? I've always yearned for second chances in situations I know I can atone for and make up for, so why can't others?

They say hindsight is 20/20. Looking back at almost every problem we have, the solution ways seems so exceedingly simple, and we ask ourselves why we didn't just take that road, yet we still repeat many of our past mistakes. Take that moment, where you're going to say something out of emotion. Don't. Breathe, think, and then speak when your head feels clear.

Obviously depending on the offense that's up in the air, but I personally don't feel like something good, a friendship, a relationship, a partnership, etc. Is worth throwing away over one squabble, misunderstanding or fight. 

Forgive. But don't forget. 

[Pixel]

Entry 6: The Negotiator 

I have this problem, I've realized. 

I see an issue, I want to help, but somehow, I always end up hurting people and hurting myself in the process. 

It's happened more than once in the past few months. 

Therapy couldn't have come a moment sooner than it did last night, to get this out of my head during my session. As I explained what I knew and what happened to my therapist, he nodded and took notes on the situation on key things that I said about how I felt and then when I was done, he looked up at me, leaned back on his couch with his arm over the back and sighed. 

"Have you ever seen Star Wars?", He asked. I was surprised by the question and interested to see where it was going, so I told him yes, it's probably the closest thing that I have to a religion. He nodded, "It was, episode three, I think. Revenge of the Sith. Near the end, when Anakin turned and Obi-Wan went to him to confront him. He tried to talk to him, he tried to pull him back to the light, but Anakin responded with, 'If you're not with me, then you're my enemy'. Some people, they just have that mindset, they've learned the mentality over their life, maybe it was trauma, maybe it was abuse, maybe just a feeling of powerlessness. There's no gray area, it's that black and white for them. And then, Obi-Wan said, 'You're dealing in absolutes'. And at that point, he had to fight, because no matter how much he cared about Anakin, he was already lost to the dark side. And you're Obi-Wan, here, saying 'I have failed you'. That isn't true.".

I could not believe how much sense that actually made to me, with such a simple, but to me, meaningful analogy. 

He went on to say, "Through all of our sessions, the situations you've been in and just the way you talk about things, I know one thing for sure. You're a fixer, a problem solver. You see a situation that you think is wrong, you care about it and you want to make it right. But, (Pixel), you're still putting all that weight on your shoulders that we talked about in our first session. You can't always blame yourself. Maybe things haven't gone well when you try to be that problem solver, but you tried. Some people can't be helped. Some people, like that girl you told me about a while back, don't want to be helped. You can't put that on you, people are gonna do what they're gonna do, and that's always how it's gonna be. What you have to remember is that you do what you think is right, but even though you want to save the world, you can't put the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time when you know you're powerless.".

My next session I'll have to bring up how I have difficulty letting my guard down for people. But when I do, when I let someone in, when I care about someone, I hold onto them for dear life with everything that I have. And when I lose them, it destroys me. 

I have a lot to think about today, because I know that he's right, but I still do not feel okay. I've taken the day off of work.

I don't like the feeling of wanting to help and only doing harm. I don't know why it always happens.

I have to figure that out. I can't always be General Kenobi, the Negotiator. But when I care about something or someone, the hardest thing there is for me to do is let go when they're in pain. 

I have to square with that.