I’m here for you all.

[Dark Soul Opera Deactivated]

Ok, so I didn’t know where else to put this, but it’s been on my mind lately and I really felt it was necessary to get this out there. I will want you right now that this story may be deeply upsetting to some people, and it touches on a pretty serious topic so if you’re really not looking to be bummed out turn back now, but to those of you who may need this right now I’ll leave it here.

 

A little over a year and a half ago a dear friend of mine went missing. She was my mentor for the theatre honors fraternity and a newly graduated alumni of my college. She and I had been decently close and I was even closer friends with her boyfriend, another member of the theatre program and another fellow classmate. Denise (my friend who went missing) was one of the kindest, happiest, and most helpful I have ever known. We had a drafting class together and our tables were next to each other and we grew close during her final semester of senior year. It was that following summer after graduation that she left us.

 

I heard about her disappearance as soon as it happened, my friends and I were all freaking out and several of them were driving multiple hours to where she lived to help search for her. I was unfortunately unable to accompany them. The hours turned into days and the days into a week, still no sign of her. Then, at the end of that week, she turned up. Her body was found near a river a few blocks from her house. We were all destroyed. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. None of us could wrap our heads around it and we all wanted answers as to what had happened to our dear friend, but when we got the news it hurt even more. Her cause of death was ruled a suicide by intentional drowning. I couldn’t believe it. I had seen her just two months prior and she seemed like everything was going her way and like she couldn’t be happier. I couldn’t accept it, it didn’t make sense. I refused to believe that was even possible, but as the months passed, I had to accept it was the truth, I had lost a friend to the beast that claims far too many today. Depression. 
 

I still think about Denise multiple times per week and I still tear up when I do, tonight was no exception, but tonight I was inspired, I decided I should share this story with you all and tell you that I, too have had my battle with depression. I just want to put this out there for anyone who might be struggling through hardships, battling depression or fighting with thoughts of taking their own lives. I am here. Please, please, don’t be afraid to reach out. If you’re contemplating suicide or just feel down and need a friend, I. AM. HERE. Message me, I’m always around to talk. I will never refuse an opportunity to help someone out any way that I can. I don’t care if I know you or not, I will be there for you.

 

TLDR: No matter what the situation, I am here for you all, and I love every one of you. You matter and you are loved. Remember that.

[Mysthero]

When I was in the Air Force I was an Intelligence Analyst. Next to traffic controller it is one of the single most mentally stressful jobs in the military ((According to our command's statistics which you know... they dont tell you how they collect that data)).

For the Air Force however it had the highest suicide rate back in 2012 which was when I was in.

During the stage we were in at the time which I'm not allowed to disclose but I can say we were not allowed to leave base for any reason. I had a friend who during this small period of time (about three months) had been divorced, lost his house, his car was totaled, he was reprimanded by command for drinking on his off duty hours, and his fucking dog died. I believe he had a lot more things going on mentally but this seemed like a lot to pile on someone in such a short time.

He hid his pain of the situation behind smiles and MLP fan fiction, and the occasional crude humor joke that we had come to love him for.

Then one day, his body was discovered outside the building... he had walked up to the roof and jumped off our six story building.

Naturally command which doesnt understand human emotion felt that the solution was to make everyone attend Suicide Prevention Training where they give you a bunch of help line phone numbers and feed you a bunch of statistics about suicide.

But those of us that were his friends felt deep seeded responsibility for what had happened. I'm sure you know all the questions and thoughts "If I had only been there..."  "If I just asked if he was okay..." "what if..." 

You look back and you try to remember if you saw any signs. If they tried to reach out and ask for help in some way we didnt understand. This wasnt my first brush with a friend dying, but it is one that I think about the most.

I also had my own demons to contend with... more than I care to really share right now.

Personal experiences aside, depression and anxiety are awful monsters that claim more and more the longer they feed off of someone. I'm sorry about your friend. It's hard losing someone like that. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope this helps anyone else who reads it. I'm also available to talk if anyone has the need to.

[Dark Soul Opera Deactivated]

I’m sorry to hear about your loss as well. My biggest hope with all of this and with a lot of things I’ve been doing in my life recently is just trying to raise awareness because the warning signs aren’t always obvious and I feel like I have a responsibility to help anyone in any way that I can with anyone going through a similar experience as I am or who is contemplating taking their own life. So I thank you for sharing your story as well 

[Dark Soul Opera Deactivated]

Whenever you’ve got some time and need to chat my dms are always open to all

[Eros Angel]

I have struggled with depression and suicidal feelings since I was little. We had less of a language for it in my time but I always felt like a boy and identified with "boy" interests and the like. Even up to my teen years I would dress only in "boy" clothes and my mothers treatment of me infuriated me. She would do things like pull off my cap when I was sitting down and tell me what a waste it was that I wouldn't clean up because there was such a pretty girl under there if I would just dress like my gender and wear my hair right etc.

To my mom I was just frustratingly rebellious etc, as if my identity wasn't real but just a show to spite her.

I tried to kill myself twice during my teenage years as that, and a host of other bullshit things in my life were dragging me past the point of despair.

I lived though and as an adult found a woman who would love me for me, I married her and we and our two children lived happily for seven years. I was completely cured of depression and life was bliss. Unfortunately due to a series of unfortunate happenings both our children passed and my wife was severely injured. She then passed away from an accidental overdose of doctor prescribed opiates.

So yeah, there I was left back in the darkest hell hole and I'm not even sure how I survived the first few years. I'm still not over it but I'm choosing life and really finding some joy again, though it has been a long hard road out of hell.

[Dark Soul Opera Deactivated]

I am heartbroken to hear you had to go through those things, but I’m glad you’re finding joy again and I appreciate you sharing your story, as hard as it may have been. I’m glad you’re still with us and my dms are always open if you feel you need someone to chat with.

[Eros Angel]

Thank you for your support.

[IsabellaRose]

I won't go into detail (anyone who has read my posts may need to be resuscitated after saying that), but depression has been a constant shadow looming over my life. I understand how it can affect you, and I, too, and here for anyone who needs to help. It's never easy. I don't think life in general is ever easy, but depression makes it all seem so much worse. 

I crawled back up out of self-destructive behavior and chose life over where I was headed. I think sometimes it just takes a friendly voice, a smile from another human being, words of encouragement telling you that you have value... something to help you reconnect. I don't know, but I'm always willing to help.

[IsabellaRose]

That being said, if anyone wants to trade sad stories, feel free to message me, too. I don't mind sharing, I just didn't want to bore or burden anyone when the gist was that I've been in a pretty dark place, made it out the other side, and am willing to help anyone else get back from there if possible.