What is your advice on how to avoid sounding like a creepy perv when meeting new roleplay partners?

[Pantasia]

Anything that makes a person sound like a redpill/incel is a huge warning bell to me: mentions of 'alpha males' (*shudder*) or other misogynistic rhetoric, even if it's mild -- when it's someone I don't know I'm going to assume that's who they are and move on. I have no problems with dom/sub stuff and can play either (though it's not a major kink for me), but men who dom because they, the player, genuinely have such beliefs (i.e. 'women should serve men' as a general statement, not as a part of an established SM relationship) are just turdbags, end of story.

Brief initial messages are also a warning bell to me, even if that's not always a solid indicator of who the person is. But if you don't even make an effort to come up with some ideas and just go "hey, wanna rp?", I just feel like there's something wrong. If you're super horny and just wanna get going, I'd rather get a spontaneous scenario presented to me. At least make the effort to write up some kind of starter, then add something like: [[if this isn't your thing, sorry for bothering you]] at the end? Even if you're horny and rearing to go, you should be able to summon the will to write coherently. I feel like that's the ground floor for this whole enterprise...

On the flip side, a good approach to me is coming in with an idea or two and being clear with what you do and don't want. And just, you know, act like a nice person. Listen to your partner. Ask questions about their preferences and desires, even if it feels like a stupid question. ("Does this seem okay to you?", "Is there anything you'd want to change about that?", etc.) Be ready to make compromises and build the scenario together.

That's another red flag to me: someone who wants to control the scenario and make all the decisions. If you try to run the setup like you're the one who gets to make all the calls, I'm backing out slowly with my hand on the pepper spray. (To be clear: this is for when someone contacts you through PM for the first time. It could be a dynamic that two people established and are okay with; that's fine. Or you might be running an RPG club and want it to be on your terms, which is of course also fine.)

Hitting on your partner? If someone starts out with that or does it early on, that's a pretty big red flag to me. But when we start to get to know each other, maybe. Most of the flirting I see as harmless fun. But if you're serious, it's important to remember that we can RP together for ages and not really know each other at all. (And yes, RP can definitely let you get to know a lot about a person, but there will be a lot left out.)

For example: I don't disclose my gender with this pseudonym. It's funny watching people paste their ideas of who they assume you are (or want you to be) onto the fairly empty template that is the person they know you as. I've met as many people who have been sure I've been a woman as people who have been sure I was a man. Not that I'm immune to this myself -- I think this building up of a larger-than-life version of people we like is completely normal, and something we do in the real world as well. But it's a good idea to be aware of it, particularly in this environment.

I could probably go on but in a classic me, I went and made a wall of text already. Hope someone finds it interesting/useful. Feel free to challenge my ideas. I'm always interested in open discussion.

[Pantasia]

Oh, here's another thing I discussed with a partner recently that's also a big warning sign: people who feel entitled to your time and attention. They think that you owe them replies, and may even demand them from you if they see you are online. This is unacceptable and, in my eyes, a sign of toxicity.

It's a good idea to chat a little bit about the frequency of posts before getting started, something I've been remiss to do in the past. Some of my partners are quite slow, but since we haven't agreed on anything, I wouldn't dream of pressuring them. If someone is gone for a long time, I might send them a message asking what's up, if they're ok, or if maybe they didn't notice my latest post (the messaging system is a bit annoying here because you can't mark something unread... if I read an RP post and don't reply, I stick a link to it in my bookmarks bar so I don't forget).

But I would never, ever, demand a reply from someone. It's just not something you do to a person you respect. And if someone does it to you, I suggest you either draw a line in the sand right then and there, saying that is unacceptable behaviour, or simply excuse yourself from that RP entirely.

[Pixel]

Here's a good one.

Don't ask what their panty color is and don't ask if you wish you were there with them. Because they don't. That's not charming, sexy or tantalizing. It's creepy and it's weird and you would much sooner scare someone off than you would have them respond positively.

[Seibunnin Deactivated]

Let me have a go at this...

What are some things you see in interest checks or request threads that throw up the creep red flag for you?

If they don't include any extra writing other than the default preferences choices it kinda shows me they're not that serious and while I won't completely ignore them, my hopes definitely aren't high. Or, if they are a lolicon. I have never met one that didn't have SOME kind of problem.

When you're chatting with a potential new partner, what are some comments or questions that start to make you uncomfortable?

Asking me OOC if I like what's going on in a sexual manner, asking me personal details about my appearance or what I'm wearing, telling me if they're turned on or wanking it- oh my God I don't care. Keep it to yourself if that's what's going on. I don't jack off during rp's and I don't care to know if my partners are either. Keep it all IC. And I'm an artist so an extra one is people trying to coerce or pressure me to draw their characters. Yeah I do it sometimes but, deifnitely if you're not gonna be annoying about it. And frankly, I don't do it for every Joe or Jane I rp with like I have to be INVESTED. So that annoys me pretty quickly.

What is your advice for the perfect way to approach a new partner without sounding creepy?

Three simple steps:

• Say Hello
• Point out something you noticed. (A plot/post they wrote, preferences they have, etc. I suggest this because anyone can say "Want to write with me?", you have to give a reason why you think you two would mesh well to get their interest.)
• "Would you like to write with me?"

What are some things that bother you, but you don't think bothers other people?

Some people have a beautifully written preferences list or post and when you talk to them it's like talking to a brick wall. Have seriously never understood how this happens.
Lolicons bother me, I've never had good experiences roleplaying with them and I am inherently creeped out.

Do you think flirting out of character with your partner is appropriate?

This is a slippery slope. If it's playful, sure. Over time if you become friends things like that will probably happen. Innocent affection is normal. However it's up to the partner to discuss their own boundaries and some things just aren't acceptable. Asking extensively about personal information and oversharing isn't 'flirting' it's being a creep.

Say you have had a partner for a long time, but suddenly their behavior started to creep you out. What started it and how do you think it could've been avoided?

Generally a creep is always gonna drop hints earlier on. It's gonna start small where they test your boundaries before they gradually start getting bolder and bolder. If you notice someone is making you arch an eyebrow more than once it might be time to either lay the law or just leave. In my personal experience I knew someone and roleplayed with them for eight years. There were tons of red flags but, I ignored them since we were friends for so long, since we were both young even. I had cut them off on two occasions and welcomed them back after they declared they were 'better' each time. The last time I accepted them things had been fine for years- but, they did something unforgivable to me and I had to get rid of them for good. I'd say it could have been avoided if I just didn't give second chances. So tbh, avoid those too. People rarely change for your benefit, only their own.

[Izzybabes Deactivated]

Fairly new here but I've run into a few issues with other people already. Especially with people who are perhaps a bit more selfish and lack any form of social grace and etiquette. I want to make it clear that this is the extreme minority of my interactions here.

What are some things you see in interest checks or request threads that throw up the creep red flag for you?

The thing is..... I'm not experienced with this kind of thing. It's what the person says and does in the EcchiTexts that start throwing up the creep red flag for me. There are a few things that I can say raise a red flag for me, all them I've experienced here. The problem here though is that this is all subjective but this is what does it for me. When the other person is:

• Too eager to role-play as children in sexual situations. Even if the person is "child like" I'm not buying it.
• Isn't reading your preferences and come to you proposing an idea that you actually outright state in your preferences that you won't do.
• Unwilling to compromise.
• Come steam rolling in, giving you a plot, story, and even a character (which they start role-playing for you to pick up from) - I will get back to this.
• Seems to have a controlling type of behaviour that in a relationship would be classed as abusive.
• Is unable to separate character from role-player.

When you're chatting with a potential new partner, what are some comments or questions that start to make you uncomfortable?

This can be split up into a couple of sections, and this is purely from personal experience.

The insistence that children has to be involved in some sexual capacity

I don't mean to kink-shame here... Actually yes I do. Bugger being polite. It's not fucking normal, and I won't be apart of it's normalisation, it is extreme. It's noncery that I want no part of and it's always this same type of person who can't accept this. If you're reading this and getting your panties in a twist over it, you're type that of person, and no I'm not sorry. It's like dude; you've clearly got paedophilic tendencies, why else would you sexualise children to this degree? For goodness sakes. Whilst I'd rather it be fictional than ever going into non-fictional, I still don't want to role-play it and I am sick and tired of saying this. Then to try and argue the piss with me over it and debate me on the matter, is frankly frustrating to say the least. I'm not in the least bit interested in debating the issue with you. It my preference, accept it. I don't force you, coerce you or try to debate you into role-playing by my preferences, so I don't see why I should be subjected to this level of unreasonableness. My preferences should be enough. I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself. It's gotten to the point where I've actually blocked people because of this. "But it's fictional!" Yes, I know it is, thanks for that, Einstein. It doesn't change anything I've said. 

Here you go, feeble woman. My cock is wanting. Do your duty and appease it!

Remember when I said "Come steam rolling in, giving you a plot, story, and even a character (which they start role-playing for you to pick up from)" well this happened to me, more than once, I dare say. Every time I've called them out on it they just leave the conversation without apologising. Like I'm the one in the wrong. So basically, you've learnt that you're incompatible with each other. That's fine. You tried to make compromises to suit them but nothing can be worked out and then you decided to part ways, you wish them well and all that, and as far as you're concerned, that's the end of it. Then they come out of nowhere with this for example:

Quote

It was the beginning of fall, the weather was not too hot but not chilling either, and leaves were beginning to turn all sorts of shades from red to yellow, some already falling from the trees and being swept into neat piles to keep the paths clear for any of the king's knights should they happen through the small village. 

 Amara was a young woman, though she looked a lot younger than she was, she would often be mistaken for a child. It irritated her how small and frail she was, surely no man would want such a pitiful creature she thought as she stared out her window, it was dusk and everything was quiet and peaceful, a little too quiet for this time of day. She got up and walked over to her bed, perhaps she would get a peaceful night's rest for once. She laid down and closed her eyes, drifting off into a light sleep.

 She woke to the sounds of screaming and panic, the village's warning bell ringing in her ears, the sound was almost deafening. She scrambled out of bed and to her window, houses were on fire and people were being trampled on the ground by the massive wave of villagers trying to find safety, if she went out there surely she'd be trampled like the others, her short stature making her nearly invisible to their panicked gaze. She could do nothing but wait at this point, till the crowd was gone and she could safely run towards freedom. She took this time to pack some of her belongings, only freezing when she heard the sounds of horses and shouts coming from outside, she grabbed her bag and ran back to the window, the crowd was being... herded? Anyone who tried to break away was shot with an arrow or sliced down by a sword, Amara ducked down under her window as one of the men scanned the area, she had no idea if they'd spotted her or not, nor what they'd do if they found her, she sucked in a quick breath and ran down to her mother's room, finding the room was empty, she sighed in relief remembering her parents were away on a merchant's errand. If she could just...her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone kicking in the door downstairs, she cursed silently and tried to find a place to hide. (I wrote this in amaras perspective, as I tend to only RP as a male if that's alright) I'll leave this starter here if and when your preferences change have a good day

This is utterly appalling etiquette and I am less than impressed, quite frankly. The fact that my preferences completely clash with this, such as I am absolutely uninterested in a medieval setting, absolutely uninterested in role-playing children (No matter how you dress it up) it's something that isn't going to change. This person said that they "tend to only RP as a male" and that it was a "starter" if and when my preferences change. Inferring that I would have to play this 'Amara' character they've cooked up. I don't role-play as females. I role-play as gay men.

So in a nutshell:

• Screw your preferences, we will do what I want. Fuck you, that's why.
• They've taken it upon themselves to decide for me what my character should be, thus robbing me of my creative freedom to design and build my character on my own. Dude... Not cool.
• They've also role-played as my supposed character, and set forth what kind of person she is. In role-play etiquette, this is not acceptable.
• This character is "Younger than she looks" and "Often mistaken for a child", so basically lolicon in all but age. Something I'm absolutely and categorically uninterested in.
• They also decided to take it upon themselves with out prompting: a plot, a story, a setting, characters, and damn good inference as to what's going to happen next - all without even consulting your supposed role-play partner. I had no say in this. This is completely what they want. Bugger what I want. There is no compromise, they've laid down what they want, and if I disagree with any part of it, I'm the one who's going to be the unreasonable one. That's not fair.

Even if my preferences were to change, the things I wouldn't role-play are clearly marked, and these are things that aren't going to change. This is a red flag to me.

It tells me that I am not a partner, I am there for their gratification. That's wrong. And the seriously fucked up thing with this? They don't think they're in the wrong. Of course; I'm the one who is in the wrong. Yeah, get fucked with that.

What is your advice for the perfect way to approach a new partner without sounding creepy?

• Be mindful of their preferences! Actually read what it says, and actually read what they're telling you. It beggars belief that people on a text based role-play site, can't bloody-well read! It's honestly quite a remarkable thing to behold.
• Sometimes you're going to need to be able to come to a compromise with people. Respect the boundaries and work around things that aren't a no-go. If you can't come to a compromise, then just don't. Kindly part ways and fuck off from each other. I hate to quote the Panty-Guy but if the chemistry isn't there. Don't bother.
• On that note: Don't start asking me questions like what kind of panties am I wearing. None of your bloody business. (No he hasn't asked me yet, but it is good advice)
• Learn to separate role-play from reality.
• Don't be so cavalier about dropping extreme subjects expecting the person you're talking to, to be fully on board with it.

What are some things that bother you, but you don't think bothers other people?

Probably everything I've said above. This is the problem with things like this, it's highly subjective and differs from person to person. I fear I might have turned this into a rant rather than anything useful. But it's been so damn frustrating here. I'm new this, I became 18 years old 15 days before I registered here. This is really my first experience on a site like this and it's certainly been... unforgettable. I will stress again: the overwhelming majority of my interactions have been positive, there are really good people here. But there are really bad people here and I fear the kind of damage they're doing by acting the way they're acting. But again that's just to my accepted standards of what I consider decent. Which isn't going to be the same to everyone else.

TLDR: This is the problem with things like this, it's highly subjective and differs from person to person.

Do you think flirting out of character with your partner is appropriate?

Personally? No. It is not, but that's my rule for me, not one I force on everyone else and their interactions. There are a lot of people who cannot differentiate between fiction and non-fiction, and I feel that in erotic/sexual role-playing, this is only going to blur those lines. Speaking of blurred lines, what one considers friendly another might consider flirting, and likewise the other way around. If someone starts flirting with me and I pick up on it, I will kindly tell them not to. If it becomes a problem that they repeatedly do it, I will get more forceful.

Overtly asking me if I am getting off on it though... Just... Get some help.

Say you have had a partner for a long time, but suddenly their behavior started to creep you out. What started it and how do you think it could've been avoided?

I'm only 18 at this point, so I have no experience here. The role-plays I have done on here, haven't really gotten to the point of being "a long time". I have played DnD for years, but I've never experienced this. The only thing I'd say is don't bottle it up: Communicate. If this gets nowhere, deal with it as a case-by-case. Learn from it and grow from there.

Am I sorry if this is a rant or not what you're looking for. But it's how I feel at the moment.

[Pantasia]

Well put. I've updated my preferences four times now with increasingly stern wording and bigger demands on my potential partners. Because people do just waltz into my DMs and show me within a message or two that they have no interest in what I want or that they only eyed through my ad/prefs briefly. If I have it all in plain writing it makes it easier for me to dismiss them outright. And so far, every single time I have picked up a red flag early on but has given someone a second chance, it has turned out to be a mistake. So now I just say no right away.

My advice to everyone out there is: DON'T GIVE THESE PEOPLE ANY GROUND, EVER. The inability to conform to a person's written preferences -- particularly early on -- is a huge, huge red flag and should always mean the instant termination of your contact with that potential partner. If everyone did that, they would go away.

Yes, there's a tiny risk I get a false positive when I dismiss someone that quickly, but by my count it's unlikely to happen. And if so, I'll accept it so that I can dodge the creeps and control freaks. And it gives the serious people a reason to make an effort. Which they should have been in the first place...

Taboo Kinks

As for the more taboo kinks, particularly when it comes to loli/shota and rape, I used to give people the benefit of doubt, but those are just plain red flags for me these days. If you open with anything like that, I will never write with you. There is a big tendency for people in these communities to hide behind the umbrella of "don't kink-shame" when all they want to do is act out depraved, sick shit over and over. For example, I don't think the odds are high that some guy (it's always a guy) who presents me with a dozen carefully planned rape/humiliation scenarios (where they "would prefer" I play a child) is going to be a healthy, well-adjusted individual. And I don't think that's a particularly controversial statement.

And yes, I know that there are people who play as a way of coping with trauma, but don't try to convince me a person like that would creep into my DMs essentially going "hey, wanna play a child rape scenario?" Such a person would have to be extremely careful with who they play with, for the obvious reason that they are dealing with emotional trauma, which means avoiding toxic people is of the utmost importance to them. You don't do that by ERPing with random strangers.

Related (quoted from my current preferences):

Quote

I don't rule out noncon completely. I am just very careful with the circumstances, both in and out of character for when I'm okay with playing out such scenarios. If you are here to play out noncon scenarios over and over and you never consider the human side of issues like rape, abuse, toxicity, and more, then I have no interest in playing with you, period. I play out such scenarios to get a chance to explore the human aspect of these darker sides of humanity, not to revel in them. If that's your thing, do us both a favour and never contact me.

On the Other Hand

Let me end on a positive note: I am very happy to have found several RP partners on this site who have an extraordinary quality of writing and engagement, who communicate openly, who check in on me OOC regularly, who are creative and adaptive, and who manage to keep the story interesting for page upon page of replies. And most of the people I don't end up matching well with have also been understanding and respectful.

[Whoreo]

Despite my preferences reading that I don't roleplay, and that I'm only here for the community. I have lost track of the amount of times that I get people who ask me to roleplay with them and then get insulting or demanding me to get off this site when I point out my preferences..........like.........no. people who can't grasp basic reading skills are certainly to the detriment of this community. but I'd say this could be a problem in all communities. I know for sure that this isn't a unique problem with EcchiDreams. I have noticed that these people are often Lolicon/Toddlercon fans as well.

but compared to the number of people on this site..............the problem is with a minority of people, not the majority.

[Elena Ichinomiya]

I know i already post one before. But i guess as time passed, there's always new danger/cross the line approach.

On 20/03/2021 at 11:11, Mini Magi said:

- What are some things you see in interest checks or request threads that throw up the creep red flag for you?

- When you're chatting with a potential new partner, what are some comments or questions that start to make you uncomfortable?

- What is your advice for the perfect way to approach a new partner without sounding creepy?

- What are some things that bother you, but you don't think bothers other people?

- Do you think flirting out of character with your partner is appropriate?

- Say you have had a partner for a long time, but suddenly their behavior started to creep you out. What started it and how do you think it could've been avoided?

1. While not applied to everybody, i find a good reason to throw at least yellow flag toward an RPer when they make their request without context of their idea, but also with a pick up lines calling everyone is so hot or something. I still tolerate such approach and take it as one of those moment on the internet, no hostility needed, though most of the time i won't take their request until they fix their request thread to properly explain what idea they had in mind. The only time i throw a red flag is when they so openly in for a sex chat (as in real sex chat, not in format of RP whatsoever. Mostly followed with their discord ID at the end before the admin take care of it). 
    
2. Back then, it probably the most common question like send nudes or something. But today, i find myself encountered with "why you like that kink? that's illegal!" lines with their justification that derail the whole RP discussion. While its not exactly uncomfortable or disturbing, my point is, don't approach your partner in such fashion as if you try to interrogate them because their kink seems incompatible. If they are not compatible with you, just move on and don't make a case.
    
3. Just talk casually. It might make you sounds stiff and business-like but you have to get their full attention toward your message and intention. Saying something lewd right off the bat or flaunting your genital for intro won't help your case; like i said on previous post, we all have one, don't make it a big deal. Save that for the RP, not on discussion.
    
4. In RP, at least, its when they OOC for too long for petty reason. Yeah, it happen. Some people find it comforting that they were trusted to give suggestion toward someone life fiasco. Me however, are not. At least on RP OOC. If it were on DM made to talk about that, i would hear them out regardless. 
    
5. If both party has their consent? Sure, knock yourself out. But even so, keep it in line and know when to stop. You don't want to get in trouble over petty bickering on the internet and got banned over this. Jokes on you, fiasco like this always end with harassment, always. By all mean, be careful.
    
6. Tell them to stop it right to the face and ask them what was that for and why you don't like it. The reason it mostly happen is when we give too much leniency and/or playing along with their game for too long, hence they get ahead of themselves and then the mishap. Always know when to stop but also tell them when they get a bit ahead of themselves. Nicely if you would. I had one RP partner with this issue back then when i'm still new, but now we're doing good in RP as we understand each other space. Don't shy to speak up when something is off no matter who your RP partner is; be it new or longtime one. 

[Gangsta Moll Deactivated]

- What are some things you see in interest checks or request threads that throw up the creep red flag for you?:

I honestly think the ethos here is 'anything goes' with a sub text of 'so long as you are OK with it' so really nothing 'creeps me out'.

Mismatches of preference aside, though, I have avoided anyone who seemed unnecessarily demanding, or seemed ready to criticise: but that is just choosing who I like, not feeling they are creepy.

- When you're chatting with a potential new partner, what are some comments or questions that start to make you uncomfortable?

I haven't interacted with many here yet, but I haven't felt uncomfortable about comments. I think questions that suggest they aren't listening but just pushing their own agenda have led me to disengage.

- What is your advice for the perfect way to approach a new partner without sounding creepy?

I have no idea: I just say something direct like: "I would play your orc gangbang partner" or something. 

- What are some things that bother you, but you don't think bothers other people?

Focus on being drunk (as making one more open to sex): but only because I have had a drink problem, and I deal with it by explaining. 

- Do you think flirting out of character with your partner is appropriate?

I think it is against the ethos here: but I admit I actually quite like it, so long as it doesn't go too far.

- Say you have had a partner for a long time, but suddenly their behavior started to creep you out. What started it and how do you think it could've been avoided?

I haven't yet been in that position.