erotica My Journal

[IsabellaRose]

16 October

Doctor Fox says I'm not putting this journal to its best use. She said recording what I do and how I feel about it is good, but that I should also think more about what was, what came before, what got me to the place where I find myself now.

I don't want to think about that stuff. I don't want to remember the bad times. I want to move forward into this new normal where I'm trying to find happiness. But she's right. Every time I catch myself thinking things are good, something from the past pops up and I have to face it. I guess it would be better to face it on my own terms than wait until it's forced in my face and have to deal with it then.

I don't know where to start. I'm right back to where I was almost a month ago. I guess write what you know, right? But what do I know?

I know I'm a slut. I mean that in all the shame and glory it can possibly hold. I am a nasty, dirty, filthy slut who will fuck almost anyone. Well, not so much anymore, but still... sometimes, I guess. But I'm also a "free with my body because I want to be" and "in touch with my sexuality, wants, and needs" slut. I know what I am.

I guess part of me is ashamed. We're taught as women that we can't want the same things as men. That our sexuality is something to be ashamed of, to hide, to only show to one special man behind closed doors. If you don't follow the rules, you're branded a slut, whore, one of the bad girls, and certainly not someone to bring home to meet the parents. But you know what? Maybe I don't want to meet your parents. Maybe I don't care if you call me a bad girl. Maybe I like it. Maybe, just like all you guys, I want to fuck who I want to fuck and then laugh about it in the locker room with the girls, did you ever think about that?

I mean, I don't. Well, I do. I want to fuck. But I don't like to talk about my "conquests" like guys do because I don't see the people I sleep with as conquests. I see them as someone I shared something with. Sometimes I take more, sometimes they take more, but we always both give, we always both receive. I see fucking as sharing something. It's no different than watching a movie together, or splitting dessert. If you are both interested in the same movie, enjoy each others' company and are taking up the same space on the planet, why not watch that movie together? If you're both hungry for dessert and want to share a serving, go for it. If you're both aroused and interested in each other and feel like fucking, then fuck. It's not rocket science. In fact, it's about the easiest thing two people can do. It's natural, it's beautiful, and it's healthy. Of course, that's me now. I didn't always think that way.

I was brought up to be a "good girl", and I was for a long time. I didn't dress in anything revealing, I was polite and quiet, even meek. But for some reason, once I found sex, once I found Lex... I don't know if it was the sex, the sex with HIM, or some weird combination of the two, but once we started, we could NOT stop. I spun out of control for a while. Lex had to calm me down.

We would do it ANYWHERE, ANY time. During school. In the bathroom, under the bleachers, in the darkroom down in the photography room, even in the backseat of the car they had in auto shop. We sneaked into the auditorium and fucked in the back row while no one was in there. We went backstage and found places between the scenery and backdrops, got into the boiler room and fucked there, he even found out how to get on the roof so we could get away from everyone and spend time up there. It was an amazing time of discovery and exploration for us. 

And maybe that's why I still like it so much. Sex was my way of breaking free from what society said I was supposed to be. Sex was how I defied the world that tried to control me. Sex was freedom. It was taboo, something I wasn't supposed to do, but that was so damned enjoyable I would do as much of it as possible. We did it a LOT.

Of course, Lex thought I'd leave him one day to see what it was like with other guys, so he broke up with me. He said he wouldn't sleep with me again until I'd experienced enough other guys to know that he was the one for me. It sounded stupid to me, but he insisted. I didn't want to fuck anyone else. But he insisted, so I did. And boy did I.

Once I realized I loved SEX almost as much as I loved Lex, I fucked a lot. I fucked his friend dam, who was chiseled in high school. He had abs like rocks and those shoulders... mmm. He was probably the most muscular man I knew. He picked me up and tossed me around, trying positions Lex and I never could. It was amazing, but... he wasn't Lex. Physically, God yes, please, more Adam. But emotionally and mentally... not the same. Sex was still better with Lex.

No matter who I fucked, sex with Lex was always the best. But I tried a lot of guys in the meantime. He didn't give me a number, and I was just a bit angry that he put me out there to fuck around, so I fucked around a lot more than I think he wanted. When he said he thought I'd done enough, I told him I didn't think so and kept finding new partners. I was mad at him for pushing me away and wanted to make him pay. But when I saw that it actually hurt him, I came running back. I'd always come running back to Lex. I loved him.

I feel like I'm not doing this right. I loved Lex, I fucked a lot of guys... is this what I'm supposed to be writing? I know all this shit. This feels like such a colossal waste of time.

[IsabellaRose]

17 October

How many partners is too many? Ten? Twenty? Fifty? A hundred? 

I don't know the answer to that, but I feel like I've definitely had my fair share. I've had my share, your share, the neighbor's share, some celebrity's share who sleeps around too much...  I honestly don't know how many people I've slept with, how many people have had their anatomy inside of mine... does it really matter?

Bree asked me how many people. I told her more than a hundred, less than a thousand. Honestly, it's probably in the neighborhood of three to four hundred. I really don't know. 

I've been thinking about it, thinking about Trong, thinking about Bree, thinking about what I want, where I'm going, where I've been... it all comes down to this one thing.

I will never again be as happy as I was with Lex. Nothing in this world can replace all of the milestones we shared, the history, the development of feelings and first experiences during our teen years, all the firsts, the years of growing closer together through shared experiences instead of further apart... The bonds we shared can never be imitated, much less replaced. I can't rule out feelings of love, deep and intense connections, or anything else, but... what's the point? When you've had something so amazing that the vocabulary to describe it simply does not exist in the English language, when you've already experienced the ultimate, why bother pursuing anything else? Nothing else can compare. 

And I'm not saying that out of depression, self-pity, or anything else. It's simply true. I've been through my grieving process, I've accepted my loss, I'm out the other side. Part of my acceptance is being honest with myself. There is no way to ever replace that, nothing that will ever come close to what I had. From here out, everything will only be a pale shadow, a hazy reflection of the wonders that were. It's like I had a glimpse of heaven and the returned to earth. It was AMAZING. I want to tell everyone how amazing it was, what complete joy and pleasure feel like, but... I don't have the words. People think they know, but they don't. They can't. There has never been a connection like ours, and never will again.

I am adrift in this world. What can you strive for when you've already had the best that there is? What is my new goal? What do I do?

[IsabellaRose]

18 October

After meeting with Dr. Fox again, she gave me this packet of papers. It's a self-evaluation workbook. She said I should take some time alone to really concentrate on the questions, sit with them for a while, think of my answers, and write down honest answers. She said the more honest and thorough I am in answering the questions, the more I'll be able to get out of it. So I'm supped to evaluate each area of my life, review how I've been doing to this point, and then make some plans for the upcoming year. There are eight areas to evaluate: health, professional life/career, family, finances, relationships, thoughts, the wider world, and spiritual life. It seems daunting, but considering some of the stuff I've written in this journal so far, not impossible.

It's Friday night. I'm alone and ignoring my phone. I guess I'll start now. I'm going to copy the definition from the packet, then write my own evaluation, review, and plan. Here we go...

 

1. Health

Define: Health is the key to every other aspect of life. Without good health, enjoying any of the other aspects is short-lived at best. Health does not only cover good physical health, but also mental and spiritual health. Good health is a product of self-discipline and control over the body, mind, and habits.

Evaluate: Physically, I'm miraculously disease-free. I have no idea how that happened. It definitely wasn't thanks to good decisions and healthy living. I'm in good shape. I'm active-ish, maintain a good weight, and don't have any major health problems. Well, I guess my diet could be better. I never take my vitamins. And I really don't work out like I used to. So I probably need to make some adjustments before I can really say I'm in good shape. There's also the whole "can't have children" thing. Good for any potential kids, but... yeah. Not good. Mentally, I'm... getting better? I'm still not over losing Lex. I mean, I'll never be over losing Lex, but there are times when it still feels fresh, even though it's been over two years. I still have that life-long self confidence thing, my eternal and profound sense of loss, not just from Lex, but like... something is missing. I'm definitely a sex addict. I don't care what Dr. Fox says. I just want to fuck way to often for this to be normal. Spiritually? I don't know. That's not a place I need to go right now. I'm definitely not Catholic like Mom wanted me to be. I don't know. That whole thing up there about self-discipline and having control of the body, mind and habits... yeah. That's like the opposite of me. But also not, because I'm disciplined at work, But those habits. Those are going to mess me up unless I get my shit together.

Review: These last two years I've done just terrible. I know, I have an excuse. But I lost everything about me that made me healthy. I stopped working out in any capacity. I let my once healthy diet turn to shit. I somehow survived countless sexual encounters with complete strangers. On the positive side, I've been writing again, which is a good outlet for my emotions and mind. I started painting again. The outlet helps. Some day I may even share my writing. Or not. Spiritually, I don't know... I mean. Maybe I should pickup that book Lex got me about Taoism.

Planning:

1. Set some fitness goals. Get back to spinning or running. Something like that. 
2. Start eating right. Less pizza, more veggies. I love to cook, so I should start cooking and eating healthy.
3. Take my vitamins. At least the calcium and Vitamin D supplements I'm supposed to take.
4. Keep up my meetings with Dr. Fox. I know I'm already doing this, but I want to make sure I don't quit.
5. Keep writing and painting. Share some of it with someone.
6. Work on exercising self-control over my sexual needs. Seriously. Stop fucking everybody.
7. Explore my sense of loss. It's more than just Lex. Figure out what it is. Face it. Don't be a wimp.
8. Expand my spiritual view. Read that book on Taoism. Find something to believe in.

 

Wow, that was... harder than I expected. And that's the easiest part, because health is mostly just facts. I don't know how I'm going to get through some of the other topics.

[IsabellaRose]

18 October, con't

This self-evaluation thing is hard and not even remotely entertaining, but I guess I better get it done. The quicker I can hammer through this, the better off I should be. I guess. 

2. Professional Life/Career

Define: Your career is the way you make a living, provide for your family, pay the bills, etc. Your profession gives you an identity and status within their community and society. Many people focus all of their energy on their career, an effort they will pay for later.

Evaluate: I work as an archivist. I catalog and maintain an array of documents and artifacts, and keep them stored in appropriate containers, sometimes under very specific and tightly controlled atmospheric conditions. I monitor the storage ugh. BORING. No challenge, no opportunity for advancement, no desire for advancement were there any opportunity. This is NOT what I wanted to do with my life. And where am I going? Management? Who wants that? I don't even like this place. I certainly don't want to manage it. Or do I? I don't even know anymore. Through all of this my job was just a job. A college internship turned into full time employment and then into being the "go to" person once my boss retired. They haven't filled his position yet. I don't even know if they're planning on it. So what, I stay an archivist at this low pay scale til I die, with no hope of ever making more? But if I don't stay here, where do I go?

I'm bitching like some stupid whiner. The problem with all of this is that, although to an outsider it would appear that I have a career as an archivist, it's just a job to me. It's not even close to what I want to do. I no longer feel the urge to constantly learn new stuff about this field. I really don't care. Nothing changes. These archives are just crap no one wants but has to be stored. I have no career, or at least, I don't have a career I care about.

This has caused me to be a little slack in the performance of my job duties. I'm banished behind a steel cage in a sub-basement, which has its high and low points. Management forgets about me which is great all year long, but bad at review time. I can slack off because there's no one right there to slap my knuckles with a ruler, but I also have no backup when the shit hits the fan.

Essentially, I don't care about my career or getting ahead. I slack off at work because I can. I rarely make an effort to improve the quality of my work life, or to get a job that will be more fulfilling. I take what I have now, which enables me to meet my financial obligations, and focus the rest of my energy on personal goals.

Review: I have slacked off far too much down here in the archives. I have also made strides to improve the area, steps that have not been taken or enforced in years. As much as I chastise myself for my laziness, I know I have made a positive impact overall, and that I get things done when they are needed. I need to buckle down a little more, but I've been dead-on with my timeliness (an area I've historically had problems with), my proactiveness, my creative approach to problem solving, my dedication to rules, regulations, and standards (something this area had been lacking before I got here!), and overall efficiency. Overall, I have made vast strides to improve the job I have, the service I provide, and the ability for anyone else to manage this archive if I left tomorrow.

There's a lot to be done, but I don't think it would be half as far along as it is now without my efforts to date.

Planning:
1.    Stop slacking. Take my job more seriously and spend less time fucking off.
2.    Maintain my timeliness.
3.    Complete the total physical inventory to the last detail.
4.    Push for the computerized system that will make this place a breeze to support.
5.    Talk to Steven (my boss) about plans for the department, and whether or not they're hiring a new director.
6.    Consider other careers I might pursue that could bring more fulfillment while at least maintaining my current financial state.

Well. That one wasn't so bad. Work sucks, but I can do better there, too. Maybe I'll be able to get these all done in one day!
 

[IsabellaRose]

18 October, con't 2

Moving onward, family. There's not many of them, this shouldn't be that hard.

3. Family
Define: Family is where you belong. You cannot choose your blood relations, but you will always belong with them, whether you like it or not. But family is more than blood. Family is where you belong, regardless of blood relations. Your best friend, your roommate, or your lover could fit this definition. Family is where you turn when you are deeply hurt, rejected, or depressed. Family will always accept you and offer you aid in your most dire hour. Being part of a family teaches the value of sharing, loving, selflessness, and true caring for others.

In my life, I have blood relations that are family. I also have extended members of my personal family, though they are not all aware of this. I evaluate my immediate family, my extended family, and my contact family.

Evaluate: My immediate family consists of Mom, Dad, Michael, and Jenny. Overall, my relationship with each of them is good, but some could use improvement.
My Mom and I get along well enough, aside from the fact that she wants me to be this perfect little girl who does everything right. Oh, and the way she keeps trying to introduce me to eligible bachelors. Oh, and the way she tears every decision I've ever made in my life to shreds. She is constantly disappointed with me and takes every opportunity to let me know. What would she think if she even knew half of what I used to do with Lex? What would she think if she knew about my lowest point? If she even suspected that I've been with another woman... whoa. Forget about it. She'd go insane. I can't ever tell her that.
My sister is like mimi-mom, except slightly less judgmental, and only VERY slightly. She wishes she could be as free as me, but judges everything I do just like Mom. Her patronizing attitude and constant need to be better is just annoying. Despite that, we still get along. She IS my sister, after all. I love her. She annoys me to no end, but we still love each other.
My brother is probably my best family relationship. We get along fine and always have. The distance between us sucks, because we can't just sit and shoot the breeze like we used to be able to, but we still get along just like the old days when we do see each other. My Dad, on the other hand...
My Dad cannot ask for help. I also see a lot of my bad traits in him, and part of me has always blamed him for my bad traits. I don't know how true that is, but I've always blamed my lateness, my procrastination, and my laziness on my dad. I have also credited him with my creativity, my drawing skill, my open-mindedness, and many other good qualities I possess, so it's not like I'm just Dad bashing. But there is a distance between us, and has been ever since my parents divorced. It's like he just lost interest in his kids once his marriage ended. 

My extended family, my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmothers, etc. - I rarely if ever see them. Funerals and weddings, and no one's gotten married in many, many years. Although I have made some effort to see my Mom's side of the family this year more than any previous year, and no one's even died to prompt it. My grandma always acts like she's in on my secret, like she knows what I'm really up to, but won't say it out loud. It's weird, but she never says anything about it, and always acts like I'm her favorite. Maybe I really am? I do need to see my Dad's side more often as well - they're the ones I never see except at funerals.
My contact family are my closest friends, those that I consider family due to their emotional proximity to me. Right now that's nobody. I don't have anyone close to me anymore. There used to be people in this group, several of them, people I could let through that wall that keeps people away from the real Izzy.

Review: I've made some efforts to see Dad, but not enough. I finally made plans to visit my brother in California this year. I don't see my Mom nearly enough considering how close we live to each other. I need to spend more time with my sister.
I've made some effort to see my Moms side of the family again, but none whatsoever to see my Dads side. I've lost all my closest friends due to my own stupidity and actions; I don't know if they'll ever be replaced.

Planning:
1.    Call my brother more often. I don't speak to him enough.
2.    Call my sister, and keep it friendly. Try to keep her from asking too much about my personal life.
3.    Call Mom, invite her over, stop by to visit, make sure I'm available to help her out with stuff when she needs it. Try to be civil, even if she gets confrontational.
4.    Call my Dad and make a point of seeing him regularly. Talk to him about the things that have come up as issues.
5.    Make some sort of plan and/or effort to see my Dads side of the family.
6.    Continue with efforts to see my Moms side of the family.
7.    Remain open to potential new friends; you never know when your next best friend is waiting.

 

Wow, that last one is so fucking cheesy it hurts. You never know when your next best friend is waiting? Look, Dr. Fox, I know you're going to read this and be all excited that #7 sounds so positive and hopefully, but c'mon. You've got to know me better than that by now. I honestly don't know where that came from. 

 

[IsabellaRose]

18 October, con't 3

There are eight areas in this self-evaluation Dr. Fox gave me. This next one sees pretty straight forward. Finances are just money, and it's just logic and math. I should be able to knock this out quick.

4. Finances
Define: Finances must be organized wisely to enable retirement and avoid reliance on others or some government agency. There is a difference between creating wealth and earning income. Income is the money you earn. Wealth is what we create out of income, through wise savings & investments, and future financial planning, without denying yourself the basic comforts of life, but also without indulging in extravagance and living beyond ones means. A high income does not necessarily lead to wealth. Wealth comes with a proper strategy and attitude towards income, expenditure, and savings.

Evaluate: I am getting better with money. I've learned some lessons about finances and financial sense. I've learned a lot about good and bad credit, and have maintained a fairly good credit rating despite having gone bankrupt after losing Lex. But that's in the past, and only two major issues since then made me use credit again. But damn, credit rates when your credit score is bad should be a crime. I still have a lot to learn about savings, but this has been the first year where my savings goals have actually been attained. Granted, I aimed low, so attaining these goals was easier than in previous years.

Review: Over the past year I have planned and saved much more wisely than at any previous point. I have set aside money for Christmas, Birthdays, trips, etc, I haven't had to use my emergency credit card this year. I have planned all expenses so they are paid in a timely manner, and I have setup a budget that allows freedom from worry. Everything is paid. I still have not established the emergency fund I planned - six months income in case of emergency. Nor have I saved for a house, which I'd like to have by next year. I have paid off some long term credit accounts and this year one of my school loans goes away.

Planning: 
1.    Pay of the end of my NYS HESC loan, which should be done next month.
2.    Pay off the loan from my mom with my tax return money.
3.    Pay off my car loan before my next birthday.
4.    Start saving for our house.
5.    Reevaluate my retirement savings plan. Start taking advantage of my company match for 401k distributions.
7.    Find the lowest fixed interest rate credit card I can get a hold of and transfer my existing credit card balance to it.
8.    Make a plan to get my school loans paid off.
9.    Finish transferring my accounts so all my checking and savings accounts are at one bank.
 

Yeah, that was easy. Halfway done. Maybe I'll take a break.

[IsabellaRose]

18 October con't 4

Okay, I took a break, but I really want to just be done with this. I should be in bed, but... what the hell. Let's go for another one.

5. Relationships

Define: Relationships can make or break our lives. Success in all aspects of life is, to a vast extent, the product of relationships we make with others. It is far more important to focus on the relationship one has with oneself. Happiness and contentment are products of a good self relationship. No one can have a good relationship with others without first having a good relationship with themselves. 

Evaluate: My self relationship probably needs work. Since before I lost Lex, I have always had a difficult time allowing people to get close to me. There's a Izzy within that I don't like to let people see. Experience in the past has shown me that few people understand the inner Izzy, and many would rather ridicule or ignore the real Izzy than get to know her. The two years before I lost Lex, I started to get in touch with who I am as a person, what drives me, what motivates me, what make me the person that I am. After I lost him, I lost... everything, including myself. Today, despite it all, I'm fairly confident in who I am. I have flaws and weaknesses, probably more than most if not everyone else, but I am learning to accept them. They're part of me, part of what makes me the messed up bundle of erotic, creative, book-loving, bed-hopping caring energy that I am.

My biggest hurdle is letting others get close to the real me. I can forge powerful relationships, but I fear to do so for a multitude of reasons. This has prevented me from getting closer to the people I see on a daily basis. It is hard for me to find someone worthy of my love, but when I do, I fall hard and stay that way. I sometimes lack for expressing my feelings to those I love.

I also rarely make friends at work. I get along with everyone I work with, but having gained and lost so many friendships, I often recoil from anyone who wants to get closer to me to avoid the eventual pain that their loss will bring. This same tactic has carried over to my online life as well. I write some of the most personal things I've ever written, toss them up on the web for anyone to read, yet then refuse to accept anyone I met online as a true friend simply because I'll never talk to them or see them in real life. That doesn't make them any less real to me, it wouldn't suck any less to suddenly have their responses and comments disappear, but I try to maintain a distance even when there's already one inherent in the relationship.

I don't do this with people once they get inside the wall. But even my parents, my sister... they're not inside. My brother, Bree, even Trong oddly enough - they're inside the wall. They get the real Izzy, like it or not. I only hope they can handle it.

Review: I will do anything for my friends once they get inside the wall, and most of the time even if they aren't inside. I've lost the one true love of my life, and anyone I could ever consider a best friend over the years, and I claimed to never want another best friend again, but I know better than that. I have purposely kept many people at a distance, not even realizing I'm doing it. I have left the wall up, the distrust, the distance, the façade.

Planning: 
1.    Maintain the few relationships I have now. Both of them. 
2.    Do my best to maintain the friendship I have with Bree, despite our perpetual state of at least one of us not being available in the way that we seem to want from each other. 
3.    Do my best to reestablish contact with my distant friends of old. This might be harder than it sounds.
4.    Try not to be so defensive and distant around people currently in my life. Embrace their efforts at friendship, allow them inside, let them get to know the real me... maybe they'll even still like me.
 

 

Is this fucking guide written specifically to make me cry? Now I'm thinking about Lex and Trong and Bree and everyone who stopped talking to me and all I can do is fucking cry like an idiot. I should have gone to bed. Damn it all. I read back through this and realized I have NO FRIENDS. ZERO. I either chased, pushed, or scared everyone away. Who would even want to be friends with me now? What do I even have to offer?  Hi, it's Izzy, I'll be your friend and suck your dick. It's all I know! Yay! Hey, wanna be my friend, I'll only sleep with your boyfriend, or your husband, or your brother, of fuck it, why not your father while I'm out whoring around. I literally fucked all my friends away. That's what's not written implicitly up there. Izzy, have pussy, will fuck... up all friendships and people I meet. 

I can't do anymore. Fuck this.

[IsabellaRose]

19 October

6. Thoughts, Learning & Creativity

Define: You and your reality are products of your thoughts. Your thoughts are directly influenced by your learning, and expressed through your various forms of creativity. You may have been created by a God, science, or whatever you believe, but your life is your own creation. Your mind is constantly churning out new thoughts, and observation and directed awareness allow us to become aware of how we think and the factors that contribute to our thought process. If we know why we think in a certain way, we can begin to change the way we think to affect better results. We can consciously guide our thoughts towards our desired outcome. We can create the life we want through conscious effort. This is basically my theory that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

Evaluate: I have been getting better in my thoughts. I have channeled a huge portion of my desire for random sexual encounters into much less dangerous outlets. I'm not perfect, but I'm making progress. Well. Some. Okay, this isn't for anyone else, it's for me. It's truth. It's something I have to admit to myself and be honest about, so... I haven't got better in my thoughts. I've got better at controlling the impulse to act on my thoughts. I still think about it ALL THE TIME.

It's not about who it is, or what someone looks like, or even if another person is involved, although I do vastly prefer a partner. It's just this feeling I get, like a warmth between my legs. It's a tingling, tickling, warmth that sits there like I'm holding a ping pong ball between my thighs pressed tight up against myself, like a presence. And it grows. It gets bigger, stronger, more insistent. I can usually ignore it. It's just something that's there. It's there, like an ever-increasing pressure and it eventually gets to a point that it's impossible to deny. I no longer want, I NEED. That's when I used to go on the prowl. In my mind it was always a... mission? adventure? It was light-hearted to a degree, slightly amusing, especially considering how easily I could attain my goal, but it was also deadly serious. There was no way around it. It was an inevitable result of time passing. It couldn't be stopped like the bad guy at the end of some action movie, or disarmed at the last second. Love couldn't conquer all, nor could laughter, or friendship, or anything else. There was just the need that drove me to the mission. 

To be fair, I LOVED being on the prowl. I even had outfits just for those occasions. I went out of my way to get dressed up, put on makeup, do my hair, wear sexy underwear, and when I stepped into a bar or club or where ever, I felt powerful. It was so much different that being regular Izzy. Regular Izzy was buttoned down, quiet, kept to herself, and didn't really make friends. When I was on the prowl, I was Isabella, and I was exactly the opposite. It was so empowering, so magnificent, the control I had over those men... I felt like I could do anything, and part of me knows that I can still exert that kind of influence. But... that's what I'm trying to get better at. 

I can't keep using people for my own pleasure, meeting my needs and ignoring theirs. We're all connected. It's spirituality, and I haven't got to that part, but... we are. Every time I take advantage of one of them, every time I use a man to get off, for pleasure, and leave him without so much as a goodbye, I'm hurting him. I'm hurting all women. I'm hurting myself. 

So now I try for honesty and a little less of the theatrics and drama. If I know I need it, and I know it's getting to that point... well, I can hold it off a lot longer now. I've decided to do so. I want to react when I feel like it rather than when it makes me. I want control over myself like I had over all those men. My mind should rule my body, guided by my heart. I'm getting better at it. I can resist, evaluate, even explore my own body without pushing myself into dangerous territory. It's difficult, but it can be done. And when I feel like indulging, I'm honest now. I want to make sure they understand what it is just like I do.

There are a few guys I can trust, who know what I like, know my body, know my mind. I'm trying to let them know my heart, but that's another thing entirely. I'm honest with them, though. Travis gets it. He knew what he was getting into when we met. I was honest with him, he was honest with me. But he wants more now. I can feel it. He thought somehow his charm would break through the barrier. But he's there, and he gets what he wants while I get what I need. It works, more or less. So there's that. 

There's more in my head than sex, though. I have made huge strides towards being a more positive rather than negative person. I have consciously focused my thoughts on the positive rather than negative when trying to resolve a problem. I have also continued to bitch incessantly about stupid people, ignorance, intolerance, and other things that piss me off. I rant and rave when something bothers me, but not as much when something makes me happy. 

I continue to strive towards learning and expressing myself, but I seem to place things I want to learn on a back burner rather than pursuing them, as if somehow things I want to learn are less important than other things in my life.

I continue to express myself, mostly through writing, but occasionally through some form of visual art. I seem to have lost interest in the visual arts as my interest in writing is focused and my craft honed.

Review: My progress with stopping my rampant nose dive into debauchery has been amazing to me. Outsiders might still see a wanton whore, but I know the progress I've made. I have calmed down to such an extent that I doubt people would recognize me compared to 2 years ago. Focusing my positive energy towards my forms of expression has had an amazingly positive effect on my ability to complete projects as well as to share them and handle criticism. My desire to learn continues unabated, and I have read several non-fiction books (rare for me) to continue my leaning. I have skipped guitar lessons altogether, which is a shame because I have such a nice guitar that has now sat dormant for a year.

Planning: 
1.    Continue on my path of self-control and measured indulgence.
2.    Continue my positive focus on calm.
3.    Continue to focus on my writing, practicing, honing my skills, and sharing the outcome.
4.    Consider taking a creative writing class, or one of the many classes offered at the local writer's club. This can effect many positive outcomes, including meeting people who share my interests, finding local people to critique my work, and possibly finding me an outlet I have not yet experienced.
5.    Scheduled guitar lessons. Make no more excuses. Do it.
6.    Continue to focus my positive thinking on every aspect of my life.
7.    Take one class in something before my next birthday, learn something new within the next year (not guitar, that's a separate action item.)
8f.    Remember to maintain a positive outlook when faced with a problem. Consider the negative as a means of preparation, but focus on the positive when working towards resolution.
 

Okay, a bit of a tangent on that one. But... it's where my thoughts seem to dwell quite often, so I guess appropriate? I don't know. I'm not even sure if I'm really doing this right.

[IsabellaRose]

19 Oct, con't

7. The Wider World

Define: We are all connected to the world in which we live. What happens in a distant land may not have an immediate effect on us, but the ripples will be felt eventually. Everything in this world is interconnected. Since we share the resources of the planet, we must contribute to the abundance and welfare of the world in whatever way we are capable. Simple acts of kindness, generosity, sharing, understanding.

Evaluate: I do my best to show little acts of kindness every day. Buying coffee for the person behind me in line, holding doors open, allowing people to merge into traffic instead of rushing to cut them off... I share my body freely with those who want it. Probably too freely, but I need to be more generous and share more of me, not just sexually, with those around me. I share my body, but I don't make friends. I don't give back to the world in a meaningful way. I have skills and talents that can be used to repay the world for the bounty I consume; I need to start giving back, even a little bit.

I know part of it is my empathic nature. I feel things deeply. When I connect, I connect too much. I feel too much of what others feel. Volunteering at the shelter was so hard, for so many reasons. I cried for a week after the first time, and I only went back a few more times. I don't think I knew what it was all about last time, but I think maybe I'm ready to try again. Maybe? Those women need someone. I can help. I know that I have a unique understanding of what they're going through. I'll have to make sure I'm emotionally prepared, and perhaps I can volunteer there again.

Review: I am more generous with those I am close to than with anyone else. I'm not doing too poorly to be giving something back. I tend to play "mom" when my friends are drunk - I'm the shoulder to cry on when someone thinks nobody likes them, or their boyfriend is going to dump them. I'm the girl who keeps people from driving drunk, who breaks up fights and offers myself up to "make love not war" if things look like they're turning ugly. I'm that girl, but I think that's a waste of my giving, caring, and understanding. I need to focus some energy on the rest of the world. I should try to get back to the shelter.

Planning: 
1. Be available for my friends when they need me, but don't jump in unless asked.
2. Give something to charity within the next calendar year, preferably time rather than money.
3. Do my best to be a positive influence on those around me.
4. Try harder to be aware of the world around me, and how I affect it every day, as well as how it will affect me and those I care about.
5. See about volunteering at the shelter again.

[IsabellaRose]

19 Oct, con't 2

8. Spiritual Life

Define: Everyone has their own spiritual inclinations and aspirations. Some may focus solely on material aspects, their body and mind. Others, upon sensing their own inner needs and aspirations, can be guided by the spirit within towards their ultimate destiny. 

Evaluate: I am constantly growing as a spiritual being, but I am far from complete. I am far from even defining my spiritual nature. Of all the aspects of life, this is the one in which that I require the most work.

Review: I have finished my evaluation of the worlds' major religions, but have yet to find one that rings 100% true for me. I continued to seek truth, spiritual truth, but have as yet not even found the correct path.

Planning: 
1.    Continue reading literature, scripture, and texts from the worlds religious traditions.
2.    Remain open to the possibilities around me.
3.    Listen for my soul, follow my own internal path when I see it.
 

Holy shit. I finished them all. That was... actually kind of terrible. But now that it's done, and I'm compiling a big to do list, I feel somehow... lighter? Perhaps writing it down has taken some of the weight of it off my shoulders. I need to step away from all of this for a while, let it simmer in my mind, and see what I think about it after a break.

[IsabellaRose]

Two Years Later - 08 Jan

Life seems to be one detour after another. Things always seem to work out in unexpected ways. The dreams of youth give way to enthusiastic teenaged goals. Dating leads to love, maybe a soul mate. Love is taken from you, perhaps familial, perhaps amorous. Your dream job remains just out of reach, but you end up well-respected in another field. The one person you connect with on a strange level comes back into your life out of nowhere and brings you unexpected bliss. 

I moved the weekend before New York instituted complete and total COVID-19 lockdown. Half of my sectional couch was delivered prior to lockdown. The other half was meant to be there the following weekend. It sat there, half a couch, for four months, reminding me every day how my life was incomplete, a work in progress, perhaps never to be completed. All alone in a four bedroom house in the suburbs after being used to an apartment in the city with roommates was quite the transition. 

A couple months into the quarantine, Bree showed up at my door. She had hooked up with a guy, one of the few times she thought a man could make her happy. He hadn't. It turned ugly, she left, and needed a place to stay. Naturally I let her take one of my unused bedrooms. I wanted to be her friend, but old feelings, unresolved feelings, ones I didn't expect to well up and be so damned overwhelming... those feelings made it hard to just be friends. It turns out, she felt the same way. We fell into each other like... I don't know. Slowly, luxuriously, wonderfully, and so damned easily.  It was like the missing puzzle piece clicked into my life. She just fit in all the spaces that had needed filling, and she didn't try to invade the ones that were already full. 

I promised myself a year of being single after moving in here, a year to find myself and find what I wanted. I told her as much. She had done the same. Leaving her ex, she had decided on a long break from dating. We decided to be careful, play it safe, take it slow... and promptly did the exact opposite.