other creative writing Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!

[JennyDK]

I believe it is time for a new entry in "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews". Your premium, detailed and peer reviewed critiques for free!
Tonight's art piece:

1: Judging from the colour and transparency of the surroundings, we can tell that either it is done either in a thin tar pit or alternate dimension. This is a clear safety hazard either way!
2: She seems to have a black band on one arm and one leg - minus points for lack of consistency!
3: Breast milk seems to indicate she has given birth and this is NOT a good example to set for your own kids, doing random strangers in tar pits. Unethical!
4: The statistics and display does not fit any type of camera on the market and even if so, it would hardly make it in this environment. Shitty research and irresponsible!
So all in all this is of course horrible in any way imagineable and has no place anywhere. Pure rubbish. Avoid!
I give it 46,53 soups out of raspberry!

[JennyDK]

It is yet again time for "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews" and I hope you guys are taking notes by now.
In that way maybe you can become great critics of arts.
Tonight's piece:

1: A coffee of such structure and material is not able to sustain the full weight of two grown persons. Of course, it could be magical. Partial point.
2: The dicks seems to splatter out what looks like rancid  mayonnaise and that is a huge health hazard. Do NOT do this!
3: It seems like the plant and couch were supposed to be featured more prominently, but are just sloppily put in there. Amateurish!
4: Is that dick sticking out of the leg of the left man? Is he wizard? Inconsistent character design.
Overall rating: 5,36 jazz pianist out of rainbow. Amateurish beyond all belief and something a child could do better! Disgustang!

[JennyDK]

Time for another highly accurate and extremely well thought out edition "Jenny's Totally Serious Art Reviews". Where quality is always the name of the game!
Today's piece:

There are many thing to address in this piece of art work I will comment on and thereafter give my final serious rating:
1: The American glag bikini does not at all match the vegetation we see in the background as they do not even share the same continent. Clearly bad research.
2: What is up with her body? Are her shoulders located JUST above her B U T T or what?
3: That is clearly not how boobs work as they are not attached to the human body like this. Did the artist ever fuck a woman before?
4: Is that a vein, dick cander or a figurine stuck under his dick skin on the left phallos? My money is on cancer like this image is cancer.
5: Those flowers cannot sustain this position by any natural physical means. I mean, are these put on by wizardry? LAZY!
So for my overall rating I give this art piece: A sloppy second out of 6 work benches. Absolutely horrible and should be avoided.

[JennyDK]

Welcome to new series of "Jenny's totally serious reviews".
I take different porn images and I put them through well thought out, peer reivewed and accurate reviews and will end by giving a score for each piece of art.
Today's piece:

First off the bat: We have no idea who text bubble there is intended for as it just sort of floats here with no real direction. It could be just as much be the penis of the man, the woman (not likely) or even a ghost- we will never really know!
Secondly: The muscles on the woman's legs are very much inaccurate and drawn unrealistically, giving the impression the artist never saw a human body before.
Thirdly: What is that white space behind the group of people? Are we in purgatory, are they in another dimension? No clear establisment of which room the characters occupy is simply a huge offender.
Total score: Humid mackerel out of fingerless gloves. PURE garbage!

[JennyDK]

Another time, we will go ahead with "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews".
It is my belief that by following these really thought out and triple checked reviews, that you can become a great critic as well.
Tonight's art piece:

1: Mixing pee and semen is clearly a health issue and even more so in the dirty place of a bathroom. Enjoy your dysentry!
2: Either the men are stacked in creative ways of we are talking two 3 dicked males. Keeping 3 dicked males out of shot is clearly racism! For shame!
3: The robot character in the upper right is clearly not following the proper and correct design. Sloppy!
4: The two diagrams depicted are simply not correct and even a child would know this. Read a book!
5: Toilets are divided into men and females. Either the woman or the men has violated this. Bad social manners!
So all in all there are just too many bad design choices and sloppy work it simply reeks of zero effort. None. Nada.
One cannot look at this and not see the blatant disregard for anything that makes art good.
I give this 2,45 angry beavers out of 57 lasagnas.

[Cash Money Chad]

The woman has blades attached to her hair while her and all those guys are naked, that's a safety hazard...I mean the blade is right by somebody's dick.

[JennyDK]

Hello everyone and welcome to the newest edition of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
This is the go to series to follow if YOU want to become a great reviewer of art.
Today's piece was presented to me by my good friend @WetNoodle a fellow critic and history buff  

1: There are a lot of electronical devices here and the introduction of fluids will most likely cause either a short circuit, electricution or both. Major safety hazard.
2: The room is extremely dark and therefor could cause even more risks of potential danger to the participants. Do they have no regard for living life?
3: We are clearly seeing a handicapped woman who is taken advantage of, most likely to help her pay her medical bills. Unethical!
4: Those wires in the background are also a huge potential choking hazard. Do they want to die?
5: Here we see a clear mix of cyberpunk technology and neoindustrialization. Is there no consistency?
All in all, there is no thought or proper effort put into any aspect of this and it serves as stain on proper art. Do not tarnish your eyes further with this abomination.
Rating wise I will give it a 3,55 hoverboards out of 463 plasma guns.

[NyxAvatar69]

22 hours ago, JennyDK said:

Rating wise I will give it a 3,55 hoverboards out of 463 plasma guns.

That sounds like a pretty fair rating.  Personally, I'd rate it a few hoverboards lower, but I'm not a professional art critic.  In all seriousness, though, this image is pretty meh in my opinion.  Out of all of them so far, I'd probably rate the first one the highest.

[JennyDK]

1 minute ago, NyxAvatar69 said:

That sounds like a pretty fair rating.  Personally, I'd rate it a few hoverboards lower, but I'm not a professional art critic.  In all seriousness, though, this image is pretty meh in my opinion.  Out of all of them so far, I'd probably rate the first one the highest.

Any day now I am sure a highly redeemed art college or the New York Times shall make me a staff member due to my peer reviewed reviews xD

Pretty 'meh' in what ways and what do you mean by 'first one' the first I put in there?

[NyxAvatar69]

22 minutes ago, JennyDK said:

Any day now I am sure a highly redeemed art college or the New York Times shall make me a staff member due to my peer reviewed reviews xD

Pretty 'meh' in what ways and what do you mean by 'first one' the first I put in there?

It's just, looking at it again, I'm not big on the general way the image is drawn.  As I said, I'm no art critic, so I can't make a totally solid case for the exact reason why I don't like it, but when I look at it, I can't help but think "I don't know, man, I'm not too big on this image."  The lighting doesn't really help improve my opinion of it, either.

And as for "the first one," I mean the first "totally serious review" image, AKA the first post.

[JennyDK]

Ahh, then I got you right on both of those points ^^

Still, I hope you found my "review" funny nonetheless

[NyxAvatar69]

1 minute ago, JennyDK said:

Still, I hope you found my "review" funny nonetheless

I did.  Looking forward to the next super serious review whenever that time comes.

[JennyDK]

Seeing how it made front page (for some fucking reason xD) it seems fair to do one sometime today

[JennyDK]

Due to the inevitable and predictable ascend towards The New York Times as an art consultant, I will be giving another addition to "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews", especially due to popular demand.
This one is to thank those of sound mind who saw it fit to recognize the next-to-none level of impeccable and flawless critiques given by yours truly. Surely, the only way to go is up!
Today's art piece:

1: The artist seems to have little knowledge about where an asshole and pussy are placed on the human body OR we are looking at a poor deformed woman whose body is likely being exploited for profits. Shameful!
2: As we can see on the surroundings, the walls are utterly filthy and violates any sort of health code, especially with that kind of exposure. Unsanitary to say the least!
3: Her face appears to be one of extreme dehydration and combined with aforementioned dirty surroundings, she is likely to contract something. Unsafe and utter disregard for her health.
4: Either her neck is really bendy or she has no neck and next to torso. Those seem unlikely and I assume she is some sort of alien, making this also violate immigration clauses. Have these people no respect for the laws?
5: Her nipples, being of different shape, may indicate defects in her DNA and thus should be cautious about any sort of fertilization in order to not further corrupting the gene pool. This is unacceptable.
6: Her hands appears to have the power to turn flesh into horrible disfigured version of itself as the penises appears to have been become deformed. If that is the case, it seems rather unsafe to operate under those conditions.
With all of these highly thought out arguments taken into consideration, I find it safe to say that this art piece deserves heavy criticism and of course has gotten it!
My rating will be 53,62 planets out of 1626,43 steamed hams.

[JennyDK]

Once more I will take a critical look at some art here in "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
Today we will move away from some group sex stuff and move into new territory with something simple.
Today's art piece:

1: The paintings in the room are clearly made in a totally different style than what fits the era in which this house seems to be from. Clearly no attention to historical accuracy!
2: The French maid uniform does not look like this and is therefore a bad representation of such. No regard for the plights and accuracy of character.
3: Contrary to what one might think, French maids did not have pole dancing as part of their house duties. Once more we see how there was no thought put into characterization and role.
4: This rooms seems to have an overabundance of lamps, all of them lit at once. It seems odd to have lamps fill up more space in this picture than the bosom of the "maid". Pick one!
5: The woman depicted is showing heavy sweating, indicating a clearly unsafe temperature for working conditions. Violations of the health code is simply not okay!
With all of this said, we can see how thoughtless and outright sloppy everything in this has been done. There are NO redeeming parts of it whatsoever and it belongs in the trash.
There are no words to describe how outrageously many hideous and downright crappy made art around the world and this is fine proof of such!
My rating for this dung heap of an image is 46,638 lamps out of 544,55 Polish potatoe farmers.

[JennyDK]

Let us all rejoice as we make way for a new installment of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
Last time we took a break from horrible group sex pictures and focuses on a lamp piece.
We return to the land of foursomes this time again.
Today's art piece:

1: The woman, clearly hit with heat stroke, needs immediate medical attention. This is outright dangerous and a clear disregard for her physical wellbeing.
2: Having copulation upon anything wooden can also lead to splinters if the surface is not well polished. Seeing how they have no care for her health, I find it safe to assume it is not the case here.
3: Not sure why they picked an alien where her vagina is halfway up her stomach, but it is not fair to take advantage of alien races. We should treat alien species with proper respect!
4: The type of wood used here is not the correct one to contruct anything out of and is in fact useless for any sort of building construction. Pure lack of research and shameful display of knowledge.
5: Not only do we have an alien woman, we also ghost with penises as they cannot possible just be floating ones. Once more taking advantage of other species, now the ghastly kind. I do not care for this typecasting.

All things considered, there is just no saving this one. There are no safety rules put into place, no regard for realism in any sense of the word and we should know better than seeing alien races as nothing more than bodies for sex.
I am shocked and appalled how no one ever put their foot down and stopped this utter madness and display.
I will give this art piece 1 wooden bridge out of 53,2 pot pies. Disgraceful!

[JennyDK]

Let us enjoy a lovely Saturday with another edition of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
I am thankful for all of my faithful and kind readers, many of them surely up and coming art critics as well. You got the power in you!
Today's art piece:

1: Once more we see either a clearly deformed human female with crooked breasts OR alien being. It seems like many artists don't want to work with normal human beings. Discriminatory.
2: It seems very clear that the green particles close to the two persons is a sign of radiation presence, presumable of the deadly kind. Enjoy your tumors.
3: Judging from the surroundings, they are in an alley, which is easily a place to get mugged or worse. It doesn't help that neither character keeps an eye around for safety.
4: Her style of clothing does not at all match the era of an industrialized society. There is just zero respect for consistency!
5: Judging from the right side, there is an electrical box. If there is open radioation, it is safe to say that there might be other enviromental dangers, such as electricity. This makes this box another potential safety hazard as well. The artists clearly have no concern for the lives of his subjects. Unethical!

One more art piece looked and one more art piece that certainly  cannot seem to get its shit together. There seems to be an overall disregard for any thought about safety, anatomy on humans, historical accuracy and in general just bad visual ideas and executions. This is shameful on every aspect!
I will rate this mish mash of a picture 17 alley ways out of 431,48 magical flounders.

[JennyDK]

As suggested to me by the dear and kind @Kerzin Kalamond it is now time for another educational part of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
I am happy to announce that these critiques are helping mold future critics so we can let artists know how to better their craft.
Tonight's art piece:

1: As pointed out by aforementioned Kerzin, there is indeed a safety danger with slippery feet. This woman may fall and die. This is not proper safety protocol!
2: Since the woman is projecting breastmilk, it is safe to assume she is a mother. Should she not rather be spending time parenting?
3: The cloth in the background is clearly of the sort that does not fit the setting from which the lady's accessories adhere to. Inconsistency at its worst!
4: Why does one leg have a bracer and the second does not? Are we to believe that these men stole one of them? I find it safe to yes to that. Thievery!
5: The woman is wearing make-up, which by then had lead in it, which thus makes for another health issue violation. This woman cares little for safety or her well being, which makes us have to question her motherhood even furher.
6: Having unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy and I think we can all agree that she is already not exhibiting good motherly traits already, especially being either single or cheating on her husband. Immoral indecency!

All in all there just are too many things in this image that ought not to take place or needs to be altered to fit what we consider proper protocol and consistency. I am appalled!
My rating for this drawn atrocity and blight on art as a whole is 32,52 sloppy seconds out of 3547,3641 pyramids.

[Cash Money Chad]

7. that guy just came on the other guy's balls, he is supposed to cum on the woman, if the guy on the bottom is heterosexual that is very inconsiderate.. and just over all improper gang bang etiquette.

[JennyDK]

Hello, hello and welcome to yet another edition of "Jenny's totally serious reviews!".
It has been a while since I last critiqued some art, but I assure you that I am not dear or a brain in a vat.
So without further ado, I present the following art piece:

1: Judging from the light source we see in the background, it very resembles an open fire. Those of you knowledge about fire, is that it's hot and dangerous. Having a careless romp near open flames can be major health and safety hazard, especially if left unattended. Clearly someone needs lesson on safety protocols!
2: There is a weapon on the left side of the orgy. It could fall at any moment now and also cause injuries, particularly since the participants are mostly without armour.
3: The races depicted within this piece of art, are members of opposing factions and thus a scene where they are not at strife is very unrealistic. Someone failed to do any research!
4: The male on the bottom right appears to have a lower body, but not any upper one. Are we to believe this to be a live body? I think not. The stiffness in his male organ must clearly be the work of rigor mortis. Necrophilia has no place here!
5: Wearing armour as the woman depicted on the right side, can be a major concern for dehydration due to the nearby source of fire. I see no water sources to keep her from fainting under heat. Disregard for the life of the woman, very unethical!

Overall, I can see an attempt to make something well, but the reality is that every detail of this screams of amateurism and shoddy work!
No parts of this artwork makes any logical sense and any human being with eyes and a brain can see. Pitiful!
My rathing for this art piece is 6,63 taverns out of 4738,452 iron axes.

[JennyDK]

Good evening everyone and welcome to the newest edition of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
I know I primarily work in group play pictures, but most often they have the most to critique.
This time will be a new time for a futa art piece as shown here:

1: First off, the collection off book keeping up the heavy roof on the bed looks very unstable, particularly during any bed shaking or random earthquakes. Yet again we have a safety code violation of the larger kind. I have no idea how these artists can keep getting away with this.
2: The two characters are of different race. Breeding between the two of them would be unwise due to incompability in DNA strings and thus the child of such copulation could be very much affected by such.
3: Judging from the array of condoms on the bed, it is safe to assume they have not been able to apply any of those, otherwise they wouldn't be there. As stated in the last point, this could lead to hybrid children with many defects and prone to diseases and so on. Very bad future parenting and not something I care for one bit!
4: The cat-like character is biting into the fabric, which can be the place of many types of filth and dirt. It is highly unsanitary and she may contrast some sort of illness as a result.
5: The clothing of both characters do not at all match style or period wise. not to mention the walls and bed. Inconsistencies everywhere!
6: It seems odd to include books, due to how rare they were at this particular time period. Surely, they must be important ones, but are pushed into the background without a second thought or regard for the viewer's interest in their titles or content. It really rubs me the wrong way an artist is dumbing down their works. We as an audience to know what those tomes are!

Once more, we have a totally jumbled mess of both health and hazard code violations, with a lot of inconsistencies and utter disregard for the knowledge of the viewers of this piece of art. I cannot sit by and let such atrocities go unnoticed. We need to see some better and well constructed art very soon or it looks grim for the entir profession and art form.
My rating for this messy and outright scandalous piece is 7,63 condoms out of 5346,24 bedsheets with cooties.

[JennyDK]

Hello everyone and welcome to the newest edition of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
It has been a while since we last delved into an art piece, but I believe the time is right for another one.
So without furter ado, I present tonight's image:

1: It would appear that the breasts of the woman are very bendy or perhaps she has unusual anatomy. Once more we sadly see how freaks are put on display for sheer entertainment and that is sickening.
2: To follow up on the first noteable isse, it also appears as if her torso is too short as well as the body below who no arms, now putting two poor deformed people on show.
3:  Having no arms, it is highly likely that the man below do not have the means to fend off this sexual assault, thus making it very likely to be rape. Unethical of the highest degree!
4: The background seems to show a very, very bright light source. Judging from what I can see here it is very distinctively the light of a moving vehicle meaning these persons are most plausibly doing this in the middle of a open road and thus a massive safety hazard. This is putting everyone at risk and needs to be stopped right away.
5: The expression on the female is a textbook example of hard dehydration and it is of utmost importance that there are water sources available to prevent this from getting worse, lest she will suffer headstroke and therefore require immediate medical attention. There is no end to how far some are willing to let others suffer for their art pieces.
6: The stylist for this needs to be fired right away. I mean, that bow, with that hair and those undergarments? There is no sense of fashional direction and is just a mishmash of various styles tossed together without care for any sense of aestethics. For shame!

Looking at this makes me want to never look at art ever again if the profession produces such visual eye sores and complete disregard for proper artistical safety measures or realism. Everything in this art piece is just completely and utterly out of touch with reality and has no idea how to properly portray something even close to a real type of situation, proportions or anything  really. There is no saving this one and everyone involved ought to be sacked on the spot. Disgusting!
Finally, I would like to give this abomination a rating out 6,263 bows out of 6539,44 hit and runs.
 

[JennyDK]

First of all, my apologies for the long pause there has been since the last time I critiqued something.
Once more I would like to present another edition of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
I hope you will like the review of today's art piece as seen below:

1: Why does the bottom guy has a green bracelet? Is it relevant for the scene in question? Perhaps it is a medical alert one and we are witnessing a man on the brink of death. Highly unethical as this seems very much to be the case, given his clear struggling for survival! Upon even closer inspection, the same goes for the male behind the woman.
2: The woman seems to be heavily perspirating, indicating a state close to heatstroke, if we go by the amount and intensity of this sweaty leakage. Another sad break of health protocol.
3: As we see in the background, there is a electricity socket. Given their complete lack of care for safety, it is safe to assume that that socket is highly dangerous and thus coitus near it is likely to be deadly.
4: What's even worse, is the complete disregard for aestethics, as we see the type of hardwood floor with THAT type of wall painting and decoration. Outrrageous and I hope someone was fired for this blunder!
5: The man on the right seems to have his leg placed either on the chest of the bottom man (maybe that's why he is close to dying!) or he is conjoined with him. So either we have some sort of exploitation of invalids or outright murder. I don't know which is worse. Appalling either case!

Each time I see a new art piece, there is a high risk that I will be utterly disappointed and shaken. There are so many things wrong with this one, that one could spend more than one hour and still find things that are bad in some sort of way or fashion. This is simply outrageous and goes to show how little some artists care to make proper and thought out art.
I will give horrendous eye sore a rating of 7,522 house plants out of 4256,917 blueberry tarts.

[NyxAvatar69]

Sorry, but I think you should remove one house plant from this score due to such a delay.  How can you call these Totally Serious reviews if you're giving the people who are here for such ultra serious reviews a delay without warning?  Sooner or later, they may just become "serious reviews," but I'm sure you wouldn't like that at all.

[JennyDK]

Hello everyone and once again, I will be bringing you another new edition of "Jenny's Totally Serious Reviews!".
I hope you enjoyed the last entry, despite how obviously horrible that art piece was.
Without further ado, I hereby present the image which will I be critiquing this  time:

1: The band-aid on her right leg calls for immedieate attention and, of course, concern. It goes without saying that any injuries can be very bad combined with bodily fluids of others, which can lead to infections or much worse. Given their carelessness to do it in the open (indicated by a 'crossing sign', it is safe to assume they may carry such things as the deadly AIDS virus.
2: The man in front of the woman shows signs of vanishing that fits well with how we know it happens due to time paradoxes. Therefore, we are are witnessing someone on the brink of existential death, practically making this snuff porn. Disgusting!
3: The man below, or what is likely a man (hard to tell with shitty images) seems to be nothing else than a lower abdomen. No legs, no stomach, just a lump of meat with a dick. So we may even have more snuff in the shape of a chopped up body, penis made stiff, obviously by artifical means. More unethical vile stuff!
4: I will now address the elephant in the room and the worst thing in this! The sign in the bottom right clearly shows that they are near to or even RIGHT onto the pavement of a road and on top of that, in a xing where dangerous animals roam and cross the road, clearly making for a very large safety hazard! They could be attacked any time. The artist clearly wants to see the death of all involved. Gross and revolting!
5: The female seems very fit, as indicated by her abs. The men in there is quite likely keeping this woman from attending important exercise and thus are causing her body to wither more over time. So if she is not hit by oncoming traffic, her work with porn will likely lead towards unhealthy things such as type 2 diabetes from being unable to exercise. Shameful!

All things considered, there is a whole lot of incoming death and snuff going on in this art piece and it is outright sickening and revolting to even think about. The artist clearly has zero disregard for any life but their own (if even that) and will happily sacrifice lots of people for a cheap shot. I cannot find proper words to condemn this behaviour well enough.
All in all, there is little to redeeem this, so my rating will be 1,469 plasters out of 527,463 Pangeas.