discussion Dating In Modern Time. . .

[The Great Excalibur]

Hey there everyone I looked over Sex and Relationships and it got me thinking about my own life and what is truly confusing to me as a person. . .  
(I have no idea if this is Posted the right place )

I have in my entire life wondered why people never found me attractive or why I could never get a Girlfriend and the more I ask the more confused
I feel like I get, on one end people are saying Dating today is good while others say it is harder than ever due to the Internet and standards from people.

Honestly my question is to all the Men who are in Relationships what were your thoughts prior to getting your Girlfriend and what are they now??

I am obviously asking this to try and learn more from people who aren't ( aggressive Alpha Males from YouTube lol xD )

These are the things people say online:

• Confident
• Assertive
• A Goal
• Stable Income
• Be Working Out ( though no macho-man build )
• Initiator

Honestly this talk is for everyone and I wanna know what people, think and believe since I really would want advices.

[Pixel]

I was gonna put up some advice and then I remembered my track record

Hopefully you get some sound perspective 

[Lookin4fun]

Shit posting aside, the best advice I ever heard was that you want to make yourself into the best version of yourself that you can be. That includes being the type of person you'd want to be with. But don't let the pressures of life weigh on you. You'll find love in someone but it may not be now or in the time you want it to be. I guess I'm saying, don't wish your life away, live your life in a way that makes you happy. You can listen to people that say, don't live without regrets and that may be true, but don't sacrifice short term things for the long term.

But hey, if you wanna download tinder and start slinging dick, you'll get laid, but you might not find much else.

And don't fall victim to the oneitis mindset! Your first taste of pussy IS NOT the be all end all. Hell, some people never get into relationships. I know some dude that's in his 40's and JUST started dating.

Anyway, no matter what anyone says, you are more than enough for somebody out there so don't settle for the first piece of ass that falls in your lap.

Sure, the internet makes things easier in some ways, yet more difficult in others. Yes, be confident, make sure your hygiene is good, that's all good advice.

More importantly, adjust your expectations to reality and know that any relationship you find yourself in will require effort from both of you.

Just make sure to wear a condom and be home by 9, young man!

On 28/03/2023 at 23:21, Pixel said:

I was gonna put up some advice and then I remembered my track record

Hopefully you get some sound perspective 

Don't worry, I've aimed him straight for the cliff!

Also, the sh-tty track record is how you gain those harsh life lessons.

I'm sure my spastic-ass mind didn't cover everything, so...

[Pixel]

I can not emphasize wearing a condom enough. 

[IsabellaRose]

Conversely, insisting he wear a condom NO MATTER WHAT.

[Lookin4fun]

14 hours ago, IsabellaRose said:

Conversely, insisting he wear a condom NO MATTER WHAT.

Damn, you're even gettin' the female perspective here, mate!

[Pixel]

4 hours ago, Lookin4fun said:

Damn, you're even gettin' the female perspective here, mate!

I've been with women who have told me I don't need one.

Which is when you know you DEFINITELY need one.

[The Great Excalibur]

I'm happy to see people giving me their advice on this since I really needed it, being a person with Anxiety, Social Anxiety, potential PTSD, and a virgin at age 25 have made me think there was something wrong with me for some time...

So again thanks to you all for writing your thoughts, and vague explanation of your experiences it is really appreciated.

[Pixel]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you being a virgin, or you not being in any intimate relationship. It's self sabotage to think that there is, and you'll spiral into the "maybe I'm not good enough" mindset that will absolutely screw you over when you do find something good. Protect yourself from that, don't sell yourself short. 

I've avoided dating for a really long time for my own reasons so it's hard for me to really say, but I can say, don't make it about tail unless that's what you're really after. If that IS what you're after, make it clear with anyone you might hit it off with THAT way. If you want a relationship, worry about building a connection.

[Lookin4fun]

Pixel is right on the money on what he said. And almost everybody carries some trauma with us, but it matters more that you heal and don't let it define you.

One thing I forgot to say was that you need to be where the chickie-poos are. You're not going to find somebody unless you put yourself out there in some way (dating apps, dating websites, in real life places like in the before times of COVID, etc.). Up to you to find that place but low quality places tend to draw low quality people.

And on that note, I've dated my share of shitbags AND been the shitbag, so heart break is part of the game.

Just be careful of what us old-timers used to call "myspace angles!"

[Pixel]

It takes a LOT to admit when you're the asshole. But, at one point or another, or several, we all have been or all will be. Sometimes both parties are guilty. Sometimes you look back and realize that there wasn't really a problem at all and think about how stupid it was and come to the conclusion neither of you were really in the wrong. If one person always seems to be the victim in any situation, they're probably full of shit. There's also the mentality that people hold onto that good people can't do bad things, which is very untrue, but they definitely admit to them and become better for them. In the moment though, when you're high on emotion, it can be really hard to know because you want to act instead of think. 

Another few things to keep in mind:

There is no "I'm not good enough". There is only "I'm not right for that person.".

Set boundaries. Learn the boundaries of others. This is SUPER important and something I've had a problem with (my own boundaries) my whole life. You'll thank yourself.

It's okay to say "no". Going into my issues with boundaries, I had difficulty turning down lovers when they wanted to do something I didn't really want to do, and I tended to be miserable the whole time. Compromise is one thing, but being a doormat is another.

Another thing about boundaries; know when enough is enough. I tend to word vomit when I'm upset and I tend to say things that I don't really want to say, or can't articulate things the best way for what I want to say and it ends up as something entirely different. Less is more.

They say that you can't love someone unless you can love yourself. This is complete bullshit. Respecting yourself though, I do believe you can't REALLY respect someone without respecting yourself first. Have integrity.

[Lookin4fun]

Pixel with the truth bombs in this mother fucker.

 

Know when to fight, know when to walk away. Some fights and some people just aren't worth your time and energy. Some are. Some things are worth fighting over, so know what is worth fighting over and what is not.

Learn HOW to "fight." Or more specifically, learn how to articulate your grievances. If you are hurt, you need to say so. Some people are conflict avoidant. Some get passive aggressive. Some do stupid shit and lash out to hurt you. Know how you are when you fight and learn what your partner does.

THEN talk about it. If you or your partner have unhealthy coping mechanisms, you CAN work on them. Don't take this to mean you need to fix somebody. If somebody is too far gone, leave there ass. Some people will only hurt you and you don't owe anyone (save family, your kids, pets, the power company, etc.) shit.

But some people are worth the minor bumps and turbulence of life. Time and life experience can tell you if it's a minor bump or a giant slump. Perspective can be everything.

But like Pixel correctly stated, having healthy and clear boundaries will get you far, not just in relationships but life too. In fact, I think that's the most important thing in this thread.

[Pixel]

I feel like I'm teaching my kid about how not to repeat my mistakes and have a better love life than I've had

[Lookin4fun]

Watching people younger than us avoiding our fuckups and the bogus ass bonkers dumbshit we had to learn from:

[Pixel]

Oh they'll have to learn it too.

But we can try.

[Novaer]

On 28/03/2023 at 23:29, Pixel said:

I can not emphasize wearing a condom enough. 

I hear that Anal is an acceptable alternative.

Yeah, jokes aside: I am going to go one step further here. I would suggest that as a male, you should have a condom (And perhaps a backup condom) that you have on you, and not to use a condom given to you by the other person. You have no idea if it's been tampered with. Speaking from experience. 

Remember folks: 

1. Wrap it before you tap it.
2. Don't be silly, put a condom on your willy. 
3. Rubber up before you pucker up. 

I think @SMFoxy might have a few more. Maybe even a Haiku about it somewhere.

As for dating, I have been in a committed relationship with my wife for some time now (15 years, give or take) and am not actively seeking a girlfriend, or a boyfriend for that matter. However, I believe that a successful relationship is not just about finding someone to fulfil your needs, but rather finding a partner who can work with you to overcome challenges together and achieve common goals. 

In my opinion, focusing solely on superficial traits such as appearance or finances will not lead to a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. Rather, it is important to find someone who understands and completes you on a deeper level. This requires investing time and effort into getting to know your partner, communicating effectively, and building a strong emotional connection. Something that I feel that this instant gratification culture doesn't and cannot seem understand, unfortunately. As for my personal experience, I have found that my wife and I share a deep understanding and connection that goes far beyond superficial qualities. We work together as a team and support each other through life's ups and downs and communicate about everything, we even try not to go to bed angry at each other, we try to resolve issues and not let them fester. I believe that this approach has been key to the success of our relationship. Because admittedly it wasn't easy for either of us in the beginning. 

That's my two pence worth.

[SMFoxy]

5 minutes ago, Novaer said:

I think @SMFoxy might have a few more. Maybe even a Haiku about it somewhere.

Sex Education;
now sponsored by EcchiDreams.
Please wear a condom.

[Pixel]

1 hour ago, SMFoxy said:

Sex Education;
now sponsored by EcchiDreams.
Please wear a condom.

EcchiDreams DOES endorse the wearing of condoms.

[Gidgy]

Miss Ginger, you been a good friend to me already so I posts maybe something that you finds helpful. It important to point out that I never really dated boys, but I dates girls and so I know a bit of what they lookin for cause a lot of them was bi and I heard everything from my friends who only dates boys so maybe it be useful even if it 2nd hand infos. Fun fact -- I'm actually kinda smart even if people not tells that right away always.

You just turning 25 if I remember rights and girls tend to like boys who are a lil olders by like 2 years on average, at least in Merica so that means most likely target age of girls you would be dating is 23.

Girls are dumb until 25. Don't laughs, cause a whole lot of boys are dumber way longers! But what I meaning is that until about 25 or so, girls mostly want to date some yummy cute muscly assholes. Like for real, the meaner and more self-absorbed the betters. A boy who never even once treat them good is irrisistables! Nice boys? Nobody want a nice boy, cause that boring and you can't have drama in your lifes with a nice boy.

THAT CHANGE AT 25!

Bio clocks make people crazy and start ticking at around 25s. That where a lot of the bi girls suddenly go back to bein straight, cept this time they already been with a few assholes and not need to be taken advantage of anymores and hopefully start to figure out what a good person to be in a relationship look like. This is where nice boys, especially those that not been snatched up yet, suddenly become the unicorns that everbody wants.

And some of those unicorns gonna get attentions like they never getted before and will turn into assholes. Don't do thats.

And some of those unicorns never getted attention before and so are bitter, depressed and not confident and are sad sacks. Don't be that either. Your time is just about heres. Just nobody told you that you have to wait longer cause you're nicer. So I telling you nows!

That not mean you can ignores the obvious things though. Some people is more traditionally beautiful and attractives than other people and while that not fair, that is just the way it is. There really is someone for everyone. The most ugly person I ever was friends with founded her man. I used to be really sad about it cause she was a wonderful lovely nice person but she just not get any good lucks with genetics. She still finded her person and is super happy now!

No matter what genetics you gets though, you can do these things to make yourselfs more attractive to almost everyones:

• Eats good - bad food makes you feel bad and look bad, it not about looking perfect, just look healthy
• Exercises - not gotta be skinny or muscly, but if you are way overweights or always look sickly then work on thats, even if it hard. It help with your mood toos
• Be clean - seriously a lot of people stink. You NEVER knows when your person will show up so you gotta be ready all the times. Wears deodorant and make sure it works.
• Grooming - hair, nails, skin, eyebrows -- we notices everythings and you should too. Even if people never says you bet they notices. If you not take of yourselfs when single, you definitely won't in a relationship.
• Sun - unless you're a goth get some sun. You not gotta be tanned like a beach persons but it make you look and feel more healthy. If you are a goth then skip this part cause I really really like goths
• Clothes - Figure out what looks good on you and then wears it. If you dunno, then ask people to help yous
• Be socials - unless you're a creeper, there no potential girlfriends in your closet so you gotta go out in the world where people ares. Make friends, have fun, and do interesting things while you wait for your person to show up
• Be brave - not gotta be alpha jerk, but if someone show up who makes you tingles, tell them you would like to see em more. If they not interested that okays but at least you gives them the chance to say yes. Lots of girls feel just like you and nobody been brave enough to tell them they're interested
• Take care of your stuff - have a clean house and car and fix the broken stuff. Somebody who let their stuff crumble to shits will let their relationship crumble to shits too
• Fix your brokenness - looks, everbody broken in places that very normal. Takes responsibility for it and do everything you can to fix or at least work on what is broken. You got depression, PTSD, and anxiety? They got counseling and meds for it, and you should get some. Otherwise you just asking for somebody to come along and deal with your baggage cause you not willing to. That's mean and it just not going to work.

Miss Ginger, you are awesomes and I hope this help you some!!

Gidgy

P.S. watch a lot of Queer Eye with your girlfriends if you wants more tips -- those boys knows what girls wants!