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Aura

I'm done with erp

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Aura

I know this is really sudden and I apologize to everyone who's been eagerly awaiting my response to our roleplays. However, a lot of crazy things have been happening to me these past 8 months that are changing me for the better.

If you aren't aware, 8 months ago, a close friend of mine lost her fiance in a car wreck. This was a massive tragedy that broke everyone's heart, because the man who passed on had touched so many lives in such a wonderful way. Even in his passing, he's caused an incredible ripple that's pulled families and friends together with inseparable bonds. In the time since, I've gone through a lot of personal drama as well as personal and spiritual growth. I've learned far more about life and the values of friendship (as cliche as that sounds) than I have my entire 20 years of life prior. Most importantly, the same can be said about my relationship with God. 

That's right, God. I'm sure a lot of people here are adamantly against Christianity and I can completely understand why. Just a year ago, I was in the same boat. However, God has shown me miracle after miracle to prove to me that, despite the fact that I used to see myself as nothing more than an object to be used for pleasure, and despite my hate and spitefulness toward Him, He has had a plan for me from the very beginning. 

I don't want to get into too many details, but recently I've been trying to get more involved with the church, as it's what I feel God has called on me to do. I decided that volunteering to help out with the kids' ministry would be a great place to start. While I obviously would be unable to explain the details about the things I've done, I hope that my story can inspire kids to stay in church and convince them to stay in touch with Jesus as they grow. 

However, as I was filling out the application, I froze up at one particular line:

"Have you ever participated in a homosexual act?" 

The truth is, of course, yes. And there was no way I could justify lying on this application. What freaked me out, though, was the fact that it was a detail of my life that I've mostly kept private. Literally nobody knew except me and the man I'd hooked up with one night when I was at my all-time low and it's a mistake I've been ashamed of ever since. Not just because it was homosexual, but because it was desperate of me, and, worst of all, the man was married with kids. Needless to say, it horrified me to know this story was going to come up so suddenly when all this time I had tried to forget and pretend it never happened, or that it wasn't as bad as it really was. 

That night, I started thinking about all of the other mistakes I'd made in my past and realized that there was a period between high school and earlier this year where I had completely lost myself and begun doing some legitimately evil things. And it was on this train of thought that I realized the event that snapped me out of it was when God took that man from our world. He took him home... to save me.

This happened only a few nights ago and I just broke down when I made that realization. I felt so many emotions come over me. I didn't know what to think or how to feel and it felt like I was being driven crazy. I just began to pray far more enthusiastically than ever before and I just asked God why? Why would He hurt the world so much by taking such a wonderful person from it just for someone like me? And it was at that moment when I actually, physically felt it. I could feel the wind of the Holy Spirit moving through me and, as if my thoughts were being changed, I just thought to myself there are a million reasons why and I will know each one. 

Last night, after church, I went out to talk to my friend about all of this. I confessed my mistake to her and told her about everything that happened that night. I don't want to get into too much detail for personal reasons but we had an incredible conversation. It genuinely felt like we loved each other and would always be there for each other no matter what mistakes we make.

I want to stress that I am not making this decision for her. When I say I love her, I don't mean romanticly. I'm more so doing this for Him and the man He took home. I feel an obligation to hold true to his legacy. God knew this was how I would feel. This was all part of his plan and I can genuinely feel it. After our conversation, I went home and deleted all of my sexually-charged apps (Tumblr, Deviantart, Photo Safe, and Kik). I kept Whisper but purged all of my sexually-driven posts and groups. I'm holding onto the app to stick around in some Christian groups and help people who are going through similar issues to what I've gone through in the past. 

As for this site, I'm genuinely not sure what's going to happen. Right now, though, I've decided that I'm going to continue serving as a staff member for the purpose of keeping this site a safe environment for everyone involved. However, I don't think I can justify continuing any erp. I know that's going to be disappointing to some of you who are really impressed by my writing style, especially those of you such as @Neptune @diogora and @SMFoxy whose roleplays we've put a lot of planning and thought into together. Again, I really do apologize. It's not that I don't want to continue, but I need to make some personal sacrifices for the sake of God's greater plan. I'm not quite sure what that plan is, but I'm genuinely excited to see where it takes me and I can only hope that each of you feel the same. 

I know this puts some of you in really awkward positions, I really truly am sorry for that. I used to think I could justify it as "just fictional stories," but it just doesn't feel right to me. I was considering making a bulleted list of requirements that needed to be met for me to continue an erp, but at that point it just felt like I was making excuses for myself. Maybe there will come a time where I'll be more confident in my ability to erp without my real feelings getting involved, but until then, I'm going to have to limit myself solely to more traditional rp. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me here.

I'm also probably going to redecorate my profile soon to be much less lewd. 

I really hope nobody feels personally offended by this decision. I'm just trying to follow in God's footsteps and see the light so many people around me are seeing. I love you all so much and I'm definitely still going to be around to talk! 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

❤️ - Aura

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Kalvoras Vertal

"Although I gave up Christianity a long time ago, I completely understand where you're coming from. And I respect your decision. These things can and often do change the way you think about think and how you look at things. I do hope that you find some things that you can enjoy here that aren't sexual in the slightest, and I hope that I can continue to enjoy your presence ^_^ I had fun with the plays that we did together, as well! I wish you the best of luck and lots of happiness in your life, Aura ^_^"

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Neptune

I'm going to be honest with you, @Aura. I am quite disappointed, because I was really loving the roleplays that we were involved in. But it's your decision, and I will respect it. I'm not going to intentionally make you feel bad for doing what you want. It's your life, and you should live it the way that you choose. 

Merry Christmas, Aura, I hope you take care. I'll see you in the new year. 

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Manni

I did suspect that this might happen one day given what you wrote in previous posts like this. I do hope you find what you are looking for, though. If you need someone to chat to in the meanwhile, my door's open.

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diogora

I'm certainly going to miss our RP, but this is a decision you've made, so I'll respect it. I wish you the best in the future. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 🙂

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Sunstone

I don't have much to add to this, although I will say that it is your decision to no longer do RPs, and I can respect that. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

P.S. Seeing as you are not doing RPs anymore, would you be able to archive some of the public RP threads you are participating in, including ours? You also may want to update your Roleplay Preferences as well to let others know that you are no longer available to RP.

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Kalvoras Vertal

@Sunstone "I do believe that he said that he's done with ERP, not RP as a whole X3"

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Aura

@Neptune I really am sorry. Our roleplays are the ones I'm probably going to miss the most because of how much we both loved our characters. Trust me, this isn't an easy decision for me to make and I don't just want to abandon my characters that I've poured so many hours into building, either. Each of my characters is like a child of mine that I don't want to let go of. I especially love the interactions between Natia and Rowan. With the direction that story was headed, maybe we can continue one day down the road. But I have to see what God has planned for me first.

This is not something I can just back down on. I'm not just making this decision for myself. If I don't do what I feel I'm being called to do, one of the reasons this man died would be in vain. I simply cannot allow that.

@Sunstone, Kal is right, I'm not saying goodbye to rp in general, just erp. But you're right, I'll get around to updating everything soon.

Thanks to everyone else for the support. This is a struggle I've been facing internally all this time and it's about time I finally take action. I know it's sudden. It was sudden to me, too. But it's an important step in my life that I have to take and if I keep putting it off, I'll only be left behind.

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SMFoxy

It's tough to know what to say to something like this, so I'm just going to state it as simply as I can:
You do you, @Aura.

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Aura

I made a status update on this matter, but I suppose I should make a post here about it. I'm gonna edit it into the OP as well, but I've been thinking more about this. This is definitely subject to change at any moment, but for the time being, I'm going to allow myself to continue ERP under certain conditions:

  • Premarital sex cannot be glorified by the story. 
  • Sex must not be the focus of the story. A story revolving around sex or rape must focus on the emotions that stem from the interactions rather than the interactions themselves. (Be that love or fear). 

Unfortunately, this means that I'm still going to have to cut out a lot of my ongoing erp. Furthermore, I'd rather not press the limits too much on what is okay. As a result, I'd like to avoid starting new erp's if possible.

Again, this is subject to change at any moment. So fair warning when rping with me, I might decide seemingly randomly one day to just drop everything without warning because I've found it to be too intrusive on my life. I'm sorry for the drama related to this sudden bombshell I've dropped on everyone. It was just a bit of a gut reaction. I'm still really not sure how far I should allow this to go, but I'm trying to focus more on the artistic side of sex rather than the lustful side because I genuinely do believe that sex is one of the best ways to capture complex emotions in fiction.

I love you all and thank you again for bearing with me ❤️

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Kyner

I don't believe in God, anyway I don't believe that a god hates love or homosexual act.

Remember that the interpretation of God's word is human, and centuries ago people believed that the flat earth, really anyone can write a book centuries ago and manipulate it for convenience.

If you look at the cultures of the world, all religions have their own interpretations.

Either way, I wish you success in everything.

 

Edited by Kyner

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Aura
2 hours ago, Kyner said:

I don't believe in God, anyway I don't believe that a god hates love or homosexual act.

Remember that the interpretation of God's word is human, and centuries ago people believed that the flat earth, really anyone can write a book centuries ago and manipulate it for convenience.

If you look at the cultures of the world, all religions have their own interpretations.

Either way, I wish you success in everything.

 

Once upon a time I would have agreed with you. However, I have since personally felt His grace and His presence. 

God hates nothing. He has created and allows everything to happen for a purpose, even the bad. We don't always know what that purpose and we aren't always meant to know. What's beautiful about God is that he can turn a tragedy into something beautiful in the blink of an eye and He genuinely will never let you down so long as you follow His plan.

The days I have God's favor, I can tell. It's so much more than just a good day. I'm happy and supportive, everything goes right, I get done with my work early and have time to help others. Tasks I find difficult to complete suddenly feel like that take minimal effort. When I don't have God's favor by comparison, it's miserable. Everything goes wrong, I'm stressed and depressed all day, I don't finish work until much later and co-workers have to pick up my slack for me.

But even on those days, though I don't have his favor, I can still feel his presence. At least I'm capable of working and pushing myself and at least I have co-workers willing to help. And thanking Him for that through prayer often flips the whole day around. 

You can say the written word can be interpreted in multiple ways and that's true. But what can't be are the thoughts and feelings the Holy Spirit delivers to you directly. This, of course, can be used by Satan, too. Not the holy spirit, but he loved to pretend to be. Distinguishing between the voice of God and Satan. That is what the purpose of the Bible is.

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Kyner

Well, that wasn't my point. xD

I'm just saying that a god wouldn't disapprove of homosexual act or love, love in general between two people.

Those who say otherwise under the name of religion is because it has been interpreted that way for centuries, but interpreted by humans, who disapprove of homosexual acts.

 

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