Ralsei VS. Loneliness: A Rock Opera

[Ralsei]

So my friends it has come to this.    i've made one too many trauma driven fear based choices and probably pushed away yet another potential partner (that makes three in my lifetime, one for each decade of my current existence) - but it's all a learning experience as they say. to take a step back and examine one's flaws, and faults.  to understand that they do not define you or i, but our strengths and what he have to offer. not what we lack.  this hard won battle had it's costs. and as the dust settles i am left wondering. waiting and dreaming of a life where i am not simply spooning with a pillow and talking to myself allowed as i watch the cars pass by from my bedroom window. 

Focus on yourself i've heard it said.

You'll find someone eventually but no one says when. and my impatience is enough to reduce me to simply sleeping all day and laying awake at night  hope is a let down so i try not to let it eat me. curiosity is no better.  so i sit and wait and think. and try to shape myself in a manner befitting someone who my lay eyes upon me and tell me

"it's You whom i love."

but for now an empty heart can not sing and on my feet are no wings but weights that trudge from room to room in dust covered silence. the sun cascading through the windows but it does not warm as it once did.  i've covered all my mirrors for i see my face as a sin. a reminder of those i've hurt without knowing it

but someday the fog will lift so i try to treat each crushing moment like a gift.

Death calls to me in a comforting lie and i lay alone evening after evening. her cold embrace almost enough to get me to listen. but i refuse. for even if my narrative were to cease that would leave holes in the story where i am supposed to be. and i am not one of those who is lenient toward inconsistency