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The weird shit people say during sex


Adverse
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Not all of us have been there, but for those of us who have/had an active sex life, we know that in the heat of the moment, our brains don't always function at the capacity they would in normal conversation and, occasionally, some weird shit will fly out, seemingly in it's own.

So, what are some of the things that you have said, or have been said to you that made you have to stop for a moment and try not to laugh to spare your partner embarrassment?

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This thread was sparked by the memory of an ex lover, the love of my life, in fact, who, during sex once, moaned, "Oh, yes! Dick! DICK!". This was not a joke.

This memory came to me at a very inconvenient time today. At work. Talking to a customer.

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I once told my girlfriend during sex that I was going to milk her tits like a cow. 

She was really upset when I started making the 'psst psst' noise of milk hitting a tin bucket.

I say a lot of weird shit though during sex. That's just the one time she got mad. Honorable mention would be "I'm going to slap you with my dicks" while proceeding to slap her with two silicone dicks on the butt. 

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"I'm hungry" my ex bf said. And I realized that I'm hungry too. So I had to make a call and order pizza while we were still "at it". Which was kinda kinky, but also super weird and we never done that again.

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Not as laughable, not even sure it qualifies, but I have an ex who was obsessed with trying to get me to fantasize about my adoptive mother joining our sexcapades.

Like, he’d start telling me all the stuff he wanted to do, and then would tack on things like, “and your mom would be in the other room.” Or we would have a smutty string of messages going, and he’d try to work my mom in.

It’s only awkward because I told him I wasn’t into it, and he continued to push.

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Not happen to me but i got involved somehow.

You see, my friend is having sex while calling me. It disgust me because they make sounds, but i can imagine they stop to grind halt when my friend told me on the phone the following :

"he just read too many hentai doujin so he want me to call someone while having sex. i'm not into it but who knows?"

I hear small ruckus where her man mumble "wtf" sort. I never laugh at porn but dang that's my first time.

PS Come to think of it, isn't that kind of act is common in NTR doujin? Is my friend being...oh well.

Edited by Elena Ichinomiya
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  • 1 month later...

“Radiator belt.” Lol I can laugh now but my partner at the time didn’t think it was funny. The sex was rather uninspiring but he was really into it so I didn’t want to say anything. Instead, I was trying to think about what was wrong with the truck. I got excited when I realized it was probably the belt and I just blurted it out. Suffice to say, partner was not happy. We both still laughed about it later though. 

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Going down on my girlfriend at the time, because that's something I do - A lot - she laying there having a good time, and she says, "Mmm... Continue...".

I did the opposite and stopped immediately and gave her a look like 

q_ts0VE_SosBKfpNCOnc7W7FHwcAKLgOwJz4Eexk

Not because it was wrong in context, it just sounded really fucking weird because who the fuck says "continue" if they're not an arcade machine?

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5 minutes ago, Adverse said:

Going down on my girlfriend at the time, because that's something I do - A lot - she laying there having a good time, and she says, "Mmm... Continue...".

I did the opposite and stopped immediately and gave her a look like 

q_ts0VE_SosBKfpNCOnc7W7FHwcAKLgOwJz4Eexk

Not because it was wrong in context, it just sounded really fucking weird because who the fuck says "continue" if they're not an arcade machine?

Omg I almost fell over laughing. All she needed was a cup of tea and a british accent to make that even funnier. 😂 

Another one for me would be my “oh god” story. I was seeing this Mennonite guy for a while. One night, we hooked up in the back of his eagle talon. For those not familiar with this car, it practically has no back seat. We had to fold the seat down and lay half in the trunk. 

Half way through, he thrusted hard enough to make me slide up a foot in the trunk. Clocked my head on a metal bar and said “oh god!” He thought I was talking about how good the sex was. 

His response: What does god have to do with us having sex? 

He seemed totally freaked out about “god” being brought up. Lol

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I had a former friend that I was also friends with benefits with. We were at my place and well doing the deed. He then says, “This is almost as good as Lex” and I just give him a wide eyed stare. Lex is the nickname of his step sister. Not really laughable till after I thought about it but I awkwardly ended the sex after he said that. Then he asked why. I was just like “????? you brought up another girl while we were fucking which is no biggie..BUT OF ALL THE GIRLS TO BRING UP YOU BROUGHT UP YOUR STEP SIS WHY TF DO YOU THINK I ENDED IT?!”

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's not actually what someone said but what someone did. One day I was having sex with this guy and when he was on top of me, he really randomly just spat into my mouth. I don't think he was really thinking about what he was doing because he instantly stopped and looked at me in surprise and I think I looked at him the most surprised as well. There was a moment of silence. And then there were many moments of laughter.

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  • 1 month later...

She said "insult me" and I didn't quite know what to say so I attacked with what came to mind "stupid, flat chest, moron" she slap me right after and leave. It took me a week to explain to her that I have an asperger.

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