Trapped.

[Valadrass]

I don’t know where to go with all of this. I don’t know who would even care, but I need to get this out there before I tear myself apart, probably literally.

I always hear about how common depression and anxiety are. ‘Everyone goes through some depression at some point’ ‘it’s a natural part of life’ ‘anxiety is just your body’s natural reaction from back in our prehistoric days’. If all of that is true, I think my existence is a genetic defect. A failed experiment in evolution. I don’t deserve to exist.

I’ve talked about having anxiety on here before, but it goes beyond some social awkwardness and nervousness about other people not liking what I put up. I fight constantly to convince my brain I’m not going to die, that some unlikely tragedy completely out of my control isn’t going to kill me or someone I depend on, or something else just as devastating, or that one of my small thoughtless actions isn’t going to cause a chain reaction that leads to some horrific accident. I don’t leave the house, I don’t work, I can’t keep any friendships except for the person who’s spent five years promising to spend the rest of his life with me and his best friend, who I barely feel able to talk to. And the depression stops me from distracting myself. I love writing, I love drawing, I love reading and watching anime and films and TV series and playing video games. But my mind and body will tell me that I hate it all because I’m not good enough at writing or drawing to make anything of myself and the rest are just pointless distractions that waste my life away. When I’m with my fiancé, it gets a little easier. He can motivate me to do the little things I enjoy like watching or playing something, but I can’t function without him most of the time. I do have rare moods where I feel empowered, like I’m capable of achieving anything I want and fuck my broken mind and the people who think I’m unlovable, I am the queen of my own destiny. But those moods don’t last long enough, and whatever I might create during that time becomes worthless to me after that high fades and it becomes more proof that I’m not actually capable. I am myself worthless and stupid and arrogant for ever thinking otherwise.

I’m trapped in my own mind and the air’s running out. I don’t know what to do. I know I need help, but I feel like what’s wrong with me is beyond any help anyone can give. But I need to keep trying.

[Manni]

16 hours ago, Valadrass said:

I don’t know where to go with all of this. I don’t know who would even care, but I need to get this out there before I tear myself apart, probably literally.

I always hear about how common depression and anxiety are. ‘Everyone goes through some depression at some point’ ‘it’s a natural part of life’ ‘anxiety is just your body’s natural reaction from back in our prehistoric days’. If all of that is true, I think my existence is a genetic defect. A failed experiment in evolution. I don’t deserve to exist.

I’ve talked about having anxiety on here before, but it goes beyond some social awkwardness and nervousness about other people not liking what I put up. I fight constantly to convince my brain I’m not going to die, that some unlikely tragedy completely out of my control isn’t going to kill me or someone I depend on, or something else just as devastating, or that one of my small thoughtless actions isn’t going to cause a chain reaction that leads to some horrific accident. I don’t leave the house, I don’t work, I can’t keep any friendships except for the person who’s spent five years promising to spend the rest of his life with me and his best friend, who I barely feel able to talk to. And the depression stops me from distracting myself. I love writing, I love drawing, I love reading and watching anime and films and TV series and playing video games. But my mind and body will tell me that I hate it all because I’m not good enough at writing or drawing to make anything of myself and the rest are just pointless distractions that waste my life away. When I’m with my fiancé, it gets a little easier. He can motivate me to do the little things I enjoy like watching or playing something, but I can’t function without him most of the time. I do have rare moods where I feel empowered, like I’m capable of achieving anything I want and fuck my broken mind and the people who think I’m unlovable, I am the queen of my own destiny. But those moods don’t last long enough, and whatever I might create during that time becomes worthless to me after that high fades and it becomes more proof that I’m not actually capable. I am myself worthless and stupid and arrogant for ever thinking otherwise.

I’m trapped in my own mind and the air’s running out. I don’t know what to do. I know I need help, but I feel like what’s wrong with me is beyond any help anyone can give. But I need to keep trying.

Valadrass, I would advise you should seek professional help as soon as you are able to. Secondly, I don't mean this in a mean way but I do think your mind is conflating what it feels with what exactly is the case. That is not easy to get out of if you continue to condition yourself to listen to it. Do you have any evidence that you don't like what you like? Also, please note that when you like something, it doesn't actually matter that much if it is a 'waste of time' (though that is questionable in itself). If you want to talk further, please come to me.

[Valadrass]

Hello again Manni 

6 hours ago, Manni said:

I would advise you should seek professional help as soon as you are able to

I know, I know I need to speak to someone who's been trained to deal with this, but in my experience no one ever has been. I've been like this for over a decade, over half my life, in varying degrees of severity and I've been to doctors, counselors, psychologists, therapists, pharmacists, group sessions - the whole works since I began highschool, and no one I've seen has ever known how to deal with me. A few of the 'professionals' I've seen eventually just got too frustrated and gave up, granted I was difficult to work with and I know I was. I didn't know how to articulate everything I was feeling and I had this issue of only being able to give very specific and limited answers to questions: things like 'what's made you come here?' were far too broad and made me panic so I'd only answer the specific singular event that brought me to them, like 'I self harm' or 'because I had an anxiety attack', so they only have one fact to focus on and so only get one aspect of the struggles I have. So for them to understand me fully, they needed to have been a mind reader to know exactly the right questions to ask for me to tell them everything. I think I've gotten past that now, I know the full spectrum of what I feel and what I struggle with, so it may work out now but there are other problems I have with going to see a professional: like for one struggling to leave the house. Then neither me or my fiance drive, my parents who do drive both work full time and I have very, very bad feelings towards public transport so making my way to these places - which are most of the time towns away - becomes impossible, and then I'm just afraid of the only way anyone can think of to help me is to put me on medication again and I don't want that at all.

7 hours ago, Manni said:

I don't mean this in a mean way but I do think your mind is conflating what it feels with what exactly is the case. That is not easy to get out of if you continue to condition yourself to listen to it. Do you have any evidence that you don't like what you like?

Don't worry, it's not mean it's true. But it's more than just listening to and believing a little voice in my head, it's also something physical that I feel so deeply that, no matter what my mind is saying if I'm telling myself my thoughts are wrong, I can't ignore what's physically happening to my body. It's like I'm being weighted down with just this pure resentment and hopelessness sucking all of the want and will out of me, or like this heavy dense gas in filling up my insides and just keeps expanding, suffocating me from within and building up so much pressure that it feels like I need to release it somehow or it's going to kill me. And I know, logically, nothing is wrong with me physically and this is all absolutely coming from my head, but when I'm there in those states, I forget all sense of logic and words and rational thinking become meaningless; the only thing that's real is what's happening to my body and in that state I'm susceptible to anything my mind is telling me to explain what's going on.

7 hours ago, Manni said:

Also, please note that when you like something, it doesn't actually matter that much if it is a 'waste of time'

See, this comes from a place where, like I said, I don't work. I have no income at all and I'm living with my fiance in my parents' home. So I convince myself in these moods that I need to dedicate everything into resolving that and actually starting to exist as a functioning member of society and anything that doesn't aid towards that goal is just more proof to me that I'm a worthless leech, whether that is the case or not.

[Kyner]

Hello.

Maybe it's repetitive but it's true, you should see a professional.

If you can't get out of the house, call and tell them you can't. Maybe the professional will come to your home or give you assistance over the phone to get you started.

You say you've been dealing with this problem for a long time, but you don't have to put up with it for another minute.

There are phone numbers to call for 24-hour assistance.

Edited September 8, 2018 by Kyner

[Valadrass]

5 hours ago, Kyner said:

Hello.

Maybe it's repetitive but it's true, you should see a professional.

If you can't get out of the house, call and tell them you can't. Maybe the professional will come to your home or give you assistance over the phone to get you started.

You say you've been dealing with this problem for a long time, but you don't have to put up with it for another minute.

There are phone numbers to call for 24-hour assistance.

If only it were that easy. Where I live, you can only get access to professional mental health help through a referral by a GP, which means I have to go out to my local doctors' and have a preliminary assessment for them to decide what the best course of action is, if they believe I even need help. Every professional I've seen has been through this process and the last method I was referred to was a weekly group workshop that only ran for eight weeks about two years ago and that only worsened my anxiety in the long run. But even then, talking to a stranger on the phone is just as terrifying, if not more so, than going outside. If I could text or email somebody, that would be perfect, but our healthcare system doesn't work that way and the only thing I've found that even remotely uses that form of communication is a Samaritans helpline - but they aren't professionals, they're just interchangeable volunteers there to listen and aren't qualified to give out any advice. And I know calling them interchangeable may sound horrible, but I've used them on multiple occasions and the people you talk to never give out any name to call them by and half way through a few conversations I've had, I'll find out I'm suddenly talking to a completely different person.

[Kyner]

I see. And what do you think about the assistance of a professional on the Internet?

However, I recommend that you make sure he can be a reliable professional.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

[Valadrass]

On 09/09/2018 at 04:02, Kyner said:

I see. And what do you think about the assistance of a professional on the Internet?

If I could find someone online who was reliable, qualified and free, then absolutely. But that is just so unbelievably unreasonable in my head, I don't think it's possible. 

On 09/09/2018 at 04:02, Kyner said:

I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

Please don't be sorry! This is just how difficult it is to deal with my shitty situation. I'm so thankful that you replied in the first place and tried to help, it really means a lot to me and I'm sorry for not expressing that earlier.

[Enchanted_Dream]

I have anxiety and depression myself, it took me forever to come on here even because of how low I was feeling and didn't want to talk to anyone or bother anyone with my issues. I felt like a burden, I also think you should see a professional if you can. I recently am seeing a therapist and got on different medication. Also distracting your mind will help you. I know it won't solve everything, but it does help. Do you enjoy coloring at all? The reason I ask is cause I recently started coloring in these adult coloring books and they help so much. So try to take baby steps in trying to help yourself. I hope things are getting a little bit better for you.  

[Valadrass]

On 15/09/2018 at 21:09, Enchanted_Dream said:

I have anxiety and depression myself, it took me forever to come on here even because of how low I was feeling and didn't want to talk to anyone or bother anyone with my issues. I felt like a burden, I also think you should see a professional if you can. I recently am seeing a therapist and got on different medication. Also distracting your mind will help you. I know it won't solve everything, but it does help. Do you enjoy coloring at all? The reason I ask is cause I recently started coloring in these adult coloring books and they help so much. So try to take baby steps in trying to help yourself. I hope things are getting a little bit better for you.  

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this as well, but I'm really glad you've found something to help you. I have actually tried adult colouring books before, but I've been into art since I was little and went to college for it and everything, so I've developed a bit of a complex relationship with art that ends up causing more harm than good if I'm not in the right headspace. I've done something recently which has seemed to help drastically, which is just trying to doodle instead of trying to seriously sit down and draw something. Some dark and horrific things started coming out of that, but it allowed me to give my emotions a physical form that didn't have to make sense to anyone but me and slowly the little pictures and lyrics I was scribbling down became more and more positive and I feel just refreshed after getting it all out there. But thank you so much for your help and concern!